THIS IS MY BRAIN
My mind is constantly in battle. I’m searching for answers to questions that aren’t very easy to answer. Most of the time these things end up being conversations I have in my head with God. God is always gracious in walking through these ideas with me too. I’ve never had a bad conversation or at least I think.
You see, how I view God is important to me. It’s the utmost importance because I want to do what’s right. I believe in trying my best to do what I think is the right thing. I’m sure there is a deeper issue in their but if I’m being honest, it’s because I want people to see Christ.
I don’t get why people don’t love Jesus. I know some (not all) people look at Christianity and see a bunch of hypocritical, homophobic, chauvinistic people. In a way, I do agree that there definitely are those tendencies in the church and they aren’t good.
The thing I see is people focusing too much on people. The Bible clearly shows imperfect people and our need for a savior. I know people don’t always show this part of them but if I’m being honest, I’m definitely in need of a savior. It’s not that I’m a horrible person by human standards, but I know I fall short.
I do believe that I am a sinner in need of grace. It’s really easy to see that in my life. I give the finger to the guy who cuts me off, I’ve looked at inappropriate things, and I’ve of course went after other idols other than God. The beautiful thing is Jesus Christ.
Jesus came to save us from that sinful nature. All he wants us to acknowledge our sin and believe and have a relationship. I love it. I am able to admit that I’m not perfect and I screw up. He wants me to let go of this persona I created to protect myself and accept that I’m in need. Then he wants to be in relationship with me. He wants to guide and trust Him. It’s beautiful.
Hit Harder
The thing with life though, is life hits hard. We see people for what they are, we see power being abused, and we see how random circumstances can affect people whether good or bad. It makes you wonder about life. It makes you wonder. It makes you question. Is this really what life needs to be?
I’d be lying to say I never questioned God. I question his existence, I question his goodness, and I’ve question even my own purpose of being on the earth. I use to fear these questions. Doubt was always frowned upon in Christian circles. Everyone points to the scripture in the gospels of Thomas. The church even gave him the name “Doubting Thomas”.
The first setting where I started being able to believe it was okay to express these thoughts was through music. The first album that really hit this home was As Cities Burns album “Come Now Sleep”. It had themes of suicide, doubt, fear, etc. It made me not feel alone in a time where I was still figuring things out. I believe Jesus lead me to music in order to find more of Him.
Music was a safe haven. It wasn’t always doubts but even some good things about Jesus. The music community was also a very homey community. In a way, it was a church to me. We did live life together. We laughed, cried, prayed, and of course made music. I look back and I’m grateful for the gift that it was to my life.
As I got older though questions still come and go. This hit me the hardest when I lost my job. I saw the injustices being done in a company and I was the one who got burned. For the first time in my life, the book of Ecclesiastes made a lot more sense. That life is random sometimes and bad things can happen even when you are doing good. During this time, I started to deconstruct my understanding of the world.
I want to be clear, I’m a Christian. I’ve just changed some of my ideas of church and how I deal with people. I would say, my life is much more gray than black and white. I’m not as defensive towards others who think differently than me. I want people to know Jesus but I don’t feel the burden of their soul on myself. Now to be clear, this doesn’t mean I don’t care, rather I allow a person and the Holy Spirit to work. I just don’t allow myself to bear the weight of their world. Maybe that’s wrong but I know the Lord will work on my heart if that’s the case.
I use to get scared about my thoughts. I used to be afraid that I’d be alone. I used to be afraid I go to Hell. Now I do see things brighter. I am hopeful. I still have my moments of fear. I still have moments of being stressed out. I’d be lying if I didn’t have my moments of discouragement. The thing is though, I see God in less of a fearful light and more as one who loves.
