Leaning on the Everlasting Lord (what it really looks like)

If I'm being honest...

When I was a kid, I used to get very anxious. For instance, before I gave a speech in class, I’d literally spend all my days dreading it. I’d literally do all this stuff beforehand to distract myself from thinking about the speech, but in the end I knew I’d have to do it. This would lead to me not being able to see past that day. It was as if the world would end that day because I couldn't see beyond that day.

I used to have a lot of fear towards the unknowns. I was afraid to make mistakes. I was afraid to take risks. Then my anxiety would manifest itself physically. I literally would have stomach issues ranging from pain to using the bathroom a lot. I’ll be honest, still to this day it shows up. I can get myself worked up about a situation that hasn’t even happened.

Honestly, that’s no way to live life. I can say, it’s gotten better, but I’m still not where I want to be. It’s hard having days where I feel completely overwhelmed. I notice it normally happens when I’m pulled out of my comfort zone. I get that feeling in my stomach and all I can do is pray and hope that peace fills my heart.

Sometimes I Feel...

I’ll be honest, I don’t like living in that head-space. It can lead me to look for ways to avoid dealing with my anxiety. I usually get into self-pity talk while I avoid what's truly bothering me. My attitude will be one that seems solemn rather than finding joy in other parts of life. Having a family, that can be hard on them and it's not necessarily fair to them.

I’ve never been diagnosed with anything. I may have something or I may not. Like I said, it was worse when I was a kid. As I’ve gotten older, I think there is a confidence in understanding myself and a belief that God is with me that helps most days. It doesn’t mean that I don’t experience these feelings and emotions anymore but I experience them less than when I was a kid.

Sometimes I feel like I’m overpowered by this feeling. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed like I can't handle life. Sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me.  Sometimes I feel alone. I look at others and I see them handling situations with great courage and poise and I think am I the only one who feels and thinks like this?

I believe a lot of feelings come from my self-esteem and my ability to want to do things right (or perfect). Even in my faith, I get anxious because I’m not like Paul, David, or even some people at my church. I think there is something messed up with me because I don’t connect with worship songs or I don’t believe something my friends believe and they seem to be right. There are still days, I think I’m going to Hell, because I don’t pray enough or evangelize. As if salvation was earned by something I do.

Knowing Jesus helps but it doesn’t take away those feelings. That can make me feel guilty. Like I don't have enough faith in Jesus. Yet I hold on dearly to my faith in Jesus. I do believe he’s with me. I pray and sit in the midst of my anxieties with Jesus. Jesus does give peace. Not instantly but he does give me peace over time. Trusting in Jesus to bring peace is a choice I must make daily. I have to believe He is all I need and sit in that truth.

Jesus in the midst

I know some people who believe in Jesus think you shouldn’t feel this way. That if you truly believe in Jesus, you don't doubt or feel as anxious. I disagree. I think Jesus has allowed me to experience this to lean more into Him. It’s a struggle I must deal with while I’m on this earth. I hope one day I won’t experience it but it may not happen. I just trust the fact that Jesus is with me in the midst of my anxieties. That's the part of faith I understand, it’s a trust even in the midst of not seeing clearly.

I’m not perfect. I still get myself worked up. I still don’t always see things the way I should. I still choose things to settle my anxieties that aren't healthy. Yet I know this truth. I know that Jesus is with me and I must lean on my everlasting Lord. For when I am tired, He is my strength! It's not easy and not a quick fix but it's progress for me.