On the Bench

I remember sitting on a bench behind Margaret R. Grundy Memorial Library along the Delaware River in Bristol on a cool fall day. I loved to grab coffee or hot chocolate from Wawa and take a moment before I continued prayer walking. For some reason, I just enjoyed that spot as it was typically quiet and I could just think about life.

I spent a good amount of time in Bristol, PA. In a short time, I just felt at home in Bristol. I was a part of a church that at the time was life changing in my perspectives and supportive. I felt like I could be myself and enjoy the beauty of a good community. I felt like God had given me a glimpse of true fellowship. It was one of the handful of times I felt God truly helped me understand his great love for me and others.

I spent a lot of my life feeling like I wasn’t good enough. This wasn’t because of my parents or brothers, they were the best and super supportive. This was partially my fault. I surrounded myself with people who weren’t always the best for me. It wasn’t until later I found friends who helped me see myself correctly but all the other stuff had already taken root in my soul.

I wasn’t a great student. I’d use humor to hide the fact that I was insecure about my intelligence. Still to this day, I hate trying to spell or write in front of people, because my handwriting and I spell things wrong all the time. I loved sports, especially baseball. I worked hard to get good at it but in my school district I could never get beyond the lower level travel teams. I eventually just gave up.

Don’t even get me started with relationships. I had good friends but those were the few who took time to understand I wasn’t outspoken. I don’t like being the center of attention. I also don’t care about keeping up with trends. I mean if I could wear sweatpants and a t-shirt I was good. I also like nerdy things, like comics, Star Wars, and emo music.

In relationships, I was even more awkward. I always assumed I wasn’t good-looking or funny enough to be found attractive. My habit of downplaying myself ultimately came across as unattractive—go figure."

Now fast forward to me sitting on the bench in Bristol. I am in the process of loving myself for who God made me. With good people around me, I allowed myself to become the man God desired for me.

A verse that is often used is found in Matthew, where Jesus says “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light” (Matthew 11:28-30 NIV).

Jesus says this after talking about how the Father is revealed in the Son. Jesus is reminding us of his Divine nature and that this God has come to bring rest to the weary. God had brought this moment of rest in the moment I sat on the bench. I knew that I was following someone who is good and will bring about rest. Do I still have troubles? You can best believe it. Do I still have moments that I feel I’m not good enough? Absolutely. The difference now is I also have moments where Jesus provides a reminder. It’s moments of good community, or sitting in a quiet spot and just feeling the breeze across your face reminding you that God is present.

The reason I follow Jesus is because Jesus doesn’t need me. In the grand scheme of things, I am literally an ant. Super inspiring right! This isn’t the point though of me mentioning this information."I love the fact that Jesus doesn’t need me but desires a relationship, and that he pursued a path so that we could have it. Not just that but He did it for all people. All of us, even the worst of us. He died and rose again to restore us and find rest in Him.


In my moments where I am hard on myself and not liking myself, I think back to moments like being on the bench in Bristol and I know Jesus loves me. I know that I am set free from the expectations of the world and I can cling to Him. In the good, bad, and ugly, Jesus never changes.

Reflections

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

-Hebrews 5:14-16

I heard the words “you are valuable” leave my mouth. They just kind of slipped out of my mouth while speaking to a person. I saw this person's body language; looking down at the floor, shoulders slumped, as they shared their story with me. In the field of work I’m in, this is typically a sign of shame. It’s a sign of defeat. It’s a sign of being tired.

To hear the words, “you are valuable” or “you are valued” is important. For some reason, I heard the words out of my mouth and they hit me like a ton of bricks. I believe as much as I said it for that person, it was also for me. I believe God used my words to remind both of us that God sees and does value us. 

It’s weird when God decides to speak to people. Some people get a burning bush but I get my mouth saying something that was unexpected. God did use a donkey to speak to Baalman (Numbers 22), so I suppose God can use my own voice to speak truth to people.

As I was sitting, reflecting on my words, I realized why it hit me. I was going into the Easter season where we reflect on Jesus' death and resurrection. We reflect on the beauty that love provided mankind a savior who was willing to die for nothing he did but for the sins of man. I don’t know about others but I can speak for myself in feeling the value of my life.

Let’s be honest, humanity is a mess. We strive to do “the right thing” but eventually miss the mark. I believe most people can agree to this line of thought outside of the Christian faith. Yet, I believe that God, seeing our mess, came down, taught us how to live, and then chose to die in our place, in order to raise 3 days later to give us eternal life. That’s really a beautiful thought.

To know that we are valued and loved by the God who created all things and provides for all our needs, that idea should really bring us to a place of worship. It’s not because God needs our praise but more so because we are so blessed by his amazing grace. 

Today I will remember the grace that I have been given and sit in a place knowing that God not only loves me but all of humanity. It will influence me to see the beauty of his creation in others, so that I can serve and love my brothers and sisters. God's greatest gift is allowing us to know His deep love for his creation!