New Every Morning

Remember my wandering

I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope…

Lamentations 3:19-21

There is this moment in the morning, where my heart is racing, my thoughts are jumbled, and my prayers fade in and out between wanting to sleep more and talking to God about life. I do this all while trying to get the courage to step out of bed. It’s not because the blankets are warm or I’m extremely comfortable (although it can be). I am battling this feeling of being overwhelmed. 

There are days I’d rather just lay in bed and let the world keep going without me. I don't want to deal with work problems, money problems, and even relational problems. Yet, I get up, work out, eat breakfast, and go to work. 

There is a moment of decision making between the uncomfortable thoughts and getting up to start my routine. It's my moment of choice. It's the moment to choose the anxiety from life or to take a step in faith. Honestly, I rather at times live in the fear.

The choice is made easier when I think about Beka and the kids. I ask God, to help me see with new eyes. I the get up and throw the blankets off and stand up. I will struggle through my workout. I will eat my honey filled oatmeal and read my Bible. Sometimes I get a lot out of my reading and other times I sit there feeling like Beltran during the 2006 NLCS game 7 (look it up). I then prepare for my work day and get to work.

I should be honest, the choice is simple, but not easy. It may seem like a paradox to some but let me explain. I look at my family as a gift. Jesus has given me the gift of being a husband and father. Not only this but Jesus has given me all good things in life. He's given me a roof over my head, food to eat, good health, and the ability to work. These are blessings and I'm grateful.

Even in the midst of gratefulness, I still live in a world of struggle. Some days work is toxic and difficult to manage. Being a parent is hard when you feel like you can't help your kid regulate their emotions. Building relationships with people can be hard especially when there may be issues of trust. There are days my money doesn't seem like enough and I can never make enough to support my family. These things bring fear into life. I'm pretty sure the weight of life is what keeps my chiropractor in business.

These are the days it's hard to get out of bed. These are the moments that I ask the question: why am I getting out of bed. That answer is the four word letter: HOPE.

Therefore, I wait...

It’s the hope that tomorrow will be better. It’s the hope that my community will come together and serve one another. It’s the hope that love wins in the end. It’s the hope that even in the struggle, there will be a day of peace. It’s the hope that we will see God. It’s this hope that helps me move forward.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t have moments of where I feel like everything is falling apart. They do happen and it's hard to see hope. It’s in those moments, I must remind myself of the following wisdom:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;

therefore I will wait for him.”

Lamentations 3:22-24

For the longest time, this has been my biggest encouragement from scripture. The writer of Lamentations is writing from a place of displacement and judgement upon the nation. This is a low spot for Israel. This is written during exile. This is written in the midst of knowing that what once was is no longer. 

These words convict my soul. They remind me that if I wake up, that God’s compassion for me is new each day. It means even when the world is beating the hell out of me, God's presence doesn't change for me (and people). This reminds me I may fail as a father, husband, and a person but God love for me doesn't change. 

This doesn't mean that I take advantage of grace. It does challenge me to make the most of the next day. It challenges me to love, reconcile, and make right with my neighbors. Grace is nothing if it doesn't cause us to change. 

I'm currently in a place where I feel like I'm in the midst of a fog that blinds me from what's in front of me. I feel the weight of decisions and life circumstances. The truth is, I'm feel low and frustrated.

Yet, I hold out on the hope for tomorrow. That when I wake, the fog is lifted and I can see clearly. It might not be tomorrow or the following day. The fact is it could be a longer time than I want it to be. Yet the Lord's mercies are new each morning. He hasn't left or abandoned me. The light in the darkness. The beauty in the mess. The first thing I need to do each morning, is step out of bed.

Thanksgiving

Reminder to self...

I wish I could have been a baseball player. I miss when I was a kid, dreaming of walking onto the Mets field to play a game I loved. I miss Friday night, going to the video store and renting a movie, and eating dinner on the couch with my family. I wish I could tell my friends that I miss the nights hanging out in a basement writing songs, playing video games, and skateboarding during our band practices. It wasn’t even about the music but the fun we had together.

I wish I could find the enjoyment of the holidays, like when I believed in the mystical Santa Clause. The idea that there was a bit of magic in the world just made the world seem more interesting. I miss Denny’s. The food wasn’t great but hanging out with my friends in the middle of the night was a lot of fun.

I miss traveling with Beka. I took for granted the fun of discovering a new place. I hope we can do it again one day. I am grateful for the day I married Beka. She was beautiful that day. She still is the most beautiful woman to this day. She really is my favorite person.

I really wish I would have embraced my inner nerd earlier than I did. I love comic books and felt like I missed out on so many cool things because I didn’t want to look nerdy. I regret being so afraid to take chances with doing new things or meeting new people. Fear really affected me from being the person I am today.

I remember sneaking onto private property and skateboarding with my brother. I also remember getting caught and running away. I guess we are lucky we never got the cops called on us. I’m glad I have music as an outlet. It got me through a lot of hard times. Playing guitar gave me an outlet to process my thoughts. 

I’m lucky I have two brothers who are just solid people. I enjoy the fact that I can laugh and talk about anything with them. They are my best friends.

I smile when I remember the time in little league I played for the Mets. It was literally the best moment of my little league career. I cherish it. I remember going to a concert and my friend Andrew getting lost in a pit. We figured out later he had a concussion from getting hit by someone. I will say that it was a hell of a show. 

I remember a dream I had of heaven. It has stuck with me because I do believe Jesus gifted me with that dream.

I remember the day each day my kids were born. My favorite memory is of when Beka told me about her being pregnant with Owen. I cried because I was so excited to be a dad. I remember my dad being there for me. He takes me to baseball practice even in the midst of his studies and job. My parents are amazing people.

I remember joining one of the best departments at my job. I love the ladies that have grown me into the professional I am today. I hope they know I’m grateful. I remember the last day in New York before we moved. We went to the movies at midnight with some friends. Beka and my friend Josh fell asleep mid movie. I’m glad they are still our friends. It’s funny how many people you meet that you still hold dear memories from life.

As the year ends, and I grow older. I want to remind myself in this season how life can be beautiful. I know there are struggles and hurts that occur for everyone. It’s good to reflect on the moments God has given us. I’ve been lucky to have done a lot of what I’ve done. God has been far too good to me.

In the midst of the end of the year, I embrace a bit of gratitude for how much life I’ve lived. Thank you Jesus.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.

Ecclesiastes 3:11-14

Family Matters

Although I was brought up in Lancaster county, my parents weren’t from this area. I’ve learned over the years, it’s not unusual for people to spend time with extended family. This means weekends would be spent with grandparents, uncles, aunts, and of course cousins. Biological family was a priority in Lancaster County culture.

I’m not trying to say this is wrong. It isn’t wrong at all but this idea is a bit foreign to myself. I do have family in the surrounding area and we do get together but it’s also not every weekend. While growing up, my parents would connect with people at the church. We often had people over for dinner and we would get to know people.

My parents made it a priority to build relationships with others but never made it where my brothers and I were not a part of that time. Through the years, due to my parents' influence, we would build relationships with people from church. These relationships were strong and for the most part healthy. Still to this day, we go to our friends for Easter because in a way we had been grafted into their family.


As I processed this information, I realized that family is more than just blood. Family can be people we surround ourselves with in order to encourage, support, and challenge. I base this in the idea of the church. We get a brief description in Acts of the church in 2:44-47; “All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved”.


The early church shows us a picture of a group of people who met together, ate together, and even supported one another. This is what a family should do for one another. We are to come together with the common goal of encouraging and supporting.


I also believe you need to be able to challenge yourself as well. For instance, I love when Paul challenges Peter on leading others astray. Here’s what Paul writes to the Galatians: “When Cephas came to Antioch, I opposed him to his face, because he stood condemned. For before certain men came from James, he used to eat with the Gentiles. But when they arrived, he began to draw back and separate himself from the Gentiles because he was afraid of those who belonged to the circumcision group. The other Jews joined him in his hypocrisy, so that by their hypocrisy even Barnabas was led astray” (Galatians 2:11-13 NIV)

A part of being a family is being able to challenge and question our brothers and sisters. Sometimes we are just wrong. I can think of a time where I said some things to my friends and my older brother went and challenged me. He then told my father and we had a discussion in which I could see things not through my perspective. The correction helped me move forward and grow wiser (well hopefully).


I do believe that our community is important. I do believe the church plays an important part in building a thriving community. The church, which is a family, is one that we could be there to support and challenge one another. The church should be a place of safety where people look out for the best of a person. Of course, this won’t be perfect. The idea is that we strive to make a place safe for people to come together and be who God created us to be.

This empowerment should, in hope, inspire us to go to others and invite them to be a part of the family. Not force people to follow our rules, but show them that walking in the ways of Christ leads to a place of true peace.

Over the last few years, my family has grown in the sense that I’ve connected with people who have inspired, encouraged, and challenged me in life. I don’t see myself as the same person I was last year let alone several years ago. If we allow ourselves to take a risk and open our hearts, we may experience life giving the presence of God’s family.

As I mentioned earlier, it won’t be perfect. There may be mistakes along the way. Wisdom and prayer must be involved in the process. Yet, as Christ followers, I believe we must strive for this family feeling where we are encouraged, challenged, and most of all loved.

Fatherhood is a good thing

 BEING A FATHER...

People often ask me if I knew what I wanted to be in the future. To be honest, the only thing I wanted to be when I was a kid was a baseball player. I loved it. I never thought about being a professional in the work force. I didn’t want to be a doctor, an architect, or really any other job. People find that weird but it’s true.

              There are two things I knew I did want for my future. The first was a husband and the second was a dad. Luckily, I met a woman who not only loves me but gave me wonderful kids. If I’m honest, I don’t necessarily have my dream job, but I am so glad I have Beka and the kids. It makes doing things a lot easier being able to support them.

               The reason I write this is because I’ve been thinking a lot about Father’s Day and fatherhood. It’s changed me significantly. In the physical ways, my house is never clean, I can’t watch what I want on TV, and I’m answering a lot more questions about things with more google searches. On the internal realm, I see my flaws, I see great joys, and I understand Jesus’ love more.

              My kids can be difficult but what parents wouldn’t say this about their children. Yet, there is nothing like coming home and them wrapping your legs up in a big hug. There is nothing like watching them ride a bike for the first time. There is nothing like belly laughter as they tell jokes they find funny.

              I’ve cherished moments and I think about my own dad. My dad taught me the importance of being a husband and father. He taught me the importance of love. Both my parents taught me as much but as a young boy learning what it meant to be a man; my father embodied it.

              My dad often sacrificed to give us the best life he could give us. This meant working hard at jobs, I know he probably didn’t love. I knew he’d come home tired, but he was always there for dinner. He’d always be there for bedtime. As we got older, he’d always make sure he was at our practices for sports and games. When he was doing schooling, he took his work with him and did it while making sure he was supporting us.

              My dad also liked to do special things for us. He would take us to the movies, sometimes to sporting events, and even amusement parks. I remember a lot of Sundays after church, he’d buy a box of bagels and we’d sit and watch Steeler games together because it was not only something he loved but it was time with us.

              My dad also took the time to talk to us. He was someone who took the time to guide us and not tell us what we should do. I remember making mistakes and he’d be frustrated but he’d talk to me about it. It was something that he wanted to teach and help me understand why I might have been punished.

He also allowed me to find my own faith. Sure, he wanted us in church while living in his house but it wasn’t something forced on me. I think having the ability to think for myself helped me become a better follower of Jesus. My dad prayed often and would tell us. I didn’t know much about this until my mom told me about the way my dad would pray and was constantly praying over us.

My dad’s legacy is what inspires me often to be a better father. I admit, I feel I fall short, but I know that even my father felt that way. This doesn’t define me as a father because I will always fall short. As I cling to Jesus, I know that I will be able to be the father my kids need.

I love being a dad to my kids. I struggle often because being a father is hard. I don’t always love each day with struggles at work or personal battles. Yet, when I get to see my kids thrive, when I get those hugs and cuddles, those moments remind me the world is beautiful.

I would be remiss to say that I couldn’t be half the father I am without my wife. She inspires me everyday with all she does for the kids and I. She is often behind the scenes doing a lot of great work with my kids. She has blessed me with her kindness and love. So, this Father’s Day, I am reminded of the grace that God has poured out to me in many ways.

Good-bye Friend

Recently, I lost an extraordinary friend. I often find the most extraordinary people are usually sitting close to us in a room. They are typically the people who seem to avoid attention. They literally look for ways to hide in the shadows like Batman. I'm sure some of my colleagues would laugh at the thought of Wilsa being equated to Batman, but this was Wilsa, a fierce protector of people, who never sought glory for herself, but often gave herself for the people she loved. 

Wilsa loved well. She always seemed to be able to find a place in her heart to give love to people. When you were with her, she never seemed to make you feel like a burden but rather like the most important person in the room. She had this smile and laugh that was contagious. You could feel the joy of her soul engulf yours and often times, you'd be laughing and smiling with her. 

Over the course of 6 years, Wilsa would share pieces of her story with me. Wilsa was born in Haiti and very proud of her Haitian heritage. She would become joyful when someone would speak French to her. As my office mates and myself often would catch her speaking or singing to herself in French. Wilsa would share her love for the the island and tell stories of her time. 

Wilsa also revealed to me that she was a doctor. Apparently everyone seemed to know this but I was a bit slow to the party. She was practicing medicine while in Haiti which made sense because Wilsa was very bright. She understood the workings of the medical system usually to the determent of her doctors. I like to believe the doctors enjoyed Wilsa but I also imagine Wilsa could be a hard patient. 

Wilsa didn't beat around the bush when it came to her speaking her mind. She was straightforward and honest. As I worked with her, I knew people struggled because she just say what needed to be said. It didn't matter if it was hard to hear, she said it. I remember often wondering if she was only like this in the workforce, but it turns out she was like this with her doctors, friends, and especially her family. 

The reason for this is because she could see the unlocked potential of a person. Wilsa didn't want people to take the easy way because she knew if you'd push passed the barriers in front of you, you'd grow into the person God desired you to be.

She loved well. Wilsa experienced her own personal traumas in life but didn't let it define her as a person. She used all that she experienced to influence and help others. I was recently told a story about Wilsa by one of my friends about when Haiti experienced a natural disaster. She had a house in Haiti where she opened the doors to support other neighbours effected by the event. She brought people into her home and let them stay for about a month providing food and all. This is how Wilsa loved. 

Wilsa desired to help. It wasn't out of this desire to be a social warrior but because of her faith. She believed what Jesus said and did and embodied it. I worked in an office with her and would listen to her speak with others on the phone. When she returned to campus during the Covid years, she would deal with people who were experiencing Covid. She would call them and check in but she would also sometimes just talk with them for a bit. She'd make sure the needs were met but also laugh and try to give them joy in the midst of not feeling well. 

I'd also see this when she interacted with people on her caseload. She was an encourager of moving forward and making goals. She didn't let people make excuses but would push back and remind them to do well. She would do this to me too. I wasn't able to escape Wilsa's encouragement to strive for my full potential. 

I remember I hit a snag at my job. I felt extremely discouraged and like I was going nowhere. I was working 2nd shift, thinking about how I was missing out on my kids days and most of all saying goodnight at bedtime. I remember feeling bad when Beka would be sleeping when I got home and leave quite early when she had to go to work. I felt done with my job but I couldn't go anywhere and was stuck.

I remember sitting with Wilsa and telling her maybe God is done with me at my job and I needed to move on. She just sat there and listened. She took in every word and when I was done, she looked at me and smiled. She then proceeded to tell me to knock it off and realize that God will provide clarity but to see that everything I do matters. It matter to the people I worked for, it mattered for Beka, and it mattered for my kids. She gave me the slap back to reality I needed.

She would go on sharing wisdom tidbits with me in our longwinded conversations in the case manager office. In one of our last conversations that I remember, we talked about her health and her life and she shared being tired. Her motivation was her family and seeing her daughter graduate college but she would acknowledge it wasn't up to her. I remember her telling me that regardless of what happens, she was happy with life. There is a part of me that wondered if she knew that her days were slowly dwindling. 

I have many stories of Wilsa I could share, the times she would dance to 80's music in the office, or how she would ask how to pronounce certain words and go onto remind us English is her second language, but I would need to write a book for all those stories. Plus, there are others who have so many more stories of the amazing life Wilsa lead. 

Wilsa was an amazing woman who deserves to be celebrated. She would show up to work even when her health was declining, even when she had to use a wall to keep her balance, because she would not let her health steal her joy. She taught me to value each day, each interaction, each mundane moment of paperwork, because it was a gift that God gave us. 

Wilsa's faith kept her strong in her battle. I'm sure she had her moments of doubts but I know she trusted Jesus more. Wilsa taught me that faith is a struggle but one worth going through. Wilsa was extraordinary. She was a super hero. Most of all she was my friend and friend to many. She was also felt like family. She loved my wife and kids so well, like she loved so many. 

I loved my friend Wilsa. I will miss her deeply. Even as I write this, I know when I walk into my shared office, there will be this feeling of void. I am grateful to God for each day I had to know Wilsa. I'm also grateful that our stories crossed and I got to be a small part of it. Rest well Wilsa, I know we'll meet again someday.

When Michael Bay Gets the Respect He Deserves... well kind of

 Voices in my head

    I wish people could hear the conversations in my head. I’m sure some of the conversations are quite humorous. I also try to imagine what my face is showing to a person who may be watching me in these moments. Based on what I know, I’m typically a blank stare kind of person, so I am probably not like J.D. from Scrubs where he has a daydreaming face.


    Yet, I imagine on the day I listened to a certain person talk about how they talk to God, my face probably showed some emotion. I often have these battles in my head where I’m discussing with God about some things. In this case, I will share how this conversation probably went.

    “Hey God, I know I should be listening but I have a question. You see, this person is talking about how they hear from you audibly when they are in a special place. I mean seriously, they keep going on about how you tell them what to do. I’m pretty sure, I’ve never had you speak to me like that before. Is there something wrong with me? What is special about this person? IS it because they are in this high position and they have multiple degrees? Is it because they don’t get distracted about things like how the Mets could make a trade in order to get back on track. Wait.. sorry God I did it again. Well, if you get the chance, I’d really love to hear you directly and not through other ways.


    I don’t know about you but I feel like I have this conversation like 10 times a year. It’s like I’m surprised every time I hear someone talk about how they heard this voice of God that has inspired them. Over time though, I figured out that sometimes people use this as a means to manipulate. It turns out, Christians can use the systems in place to convince others of things but that's not the point of me writing.

I'm hearing things

    I want to be clear, I’m not saying you can’t hear from God; actually it’s been done. I believe though that God doesn’t often have conversations like I would with a friend or my brothers. I believe there is a time and a place for that but I do believe he can speak through others, or a word, or even place thoughts in our heads.


    We can see this in the Bible as well. There were periods of time, where God just didn't talk to his people. I mean the Israelites were in the desert for 40 years and our boy Mo seems to only have the conversations recorded in the Bible with God. It’s not everyday. It might not even be every week.


    I’m sure there was silence and maybe even long periods of silence. I mean look at the years between the Old Testament and The New Testament. I don’t think God was silent but speaking to people in a different way. I think oftentimes, we think that God spoke to the biblical authors like all the time. I think we imagine them having conversations like people have on cell phones. Truth is, I think people of the Bible and us are more alike in how God speaks to us.


    Again, I want to emphasise that this isn’t saying God won’t speak to you audibly. My main point of this is to say, it’s okay if God doesn’t speak to you in that way. I believe the Holy Spirit (the 3rd part of the trinity) will “.... helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God” (Romans 8:26-27 ESV).

    The Spirit will do work and speak even when we aren’t sure because the Spirit is one with the Father and Son (John 16:13-15). Deep down somewhere in our souls, the Spirit is at work. This doesn’t mean that you will hear the voice of God, which in my mind fluctuates between Liam Niessen and Morgan Freeman but rather embrace the silence because God is working. When He works, typically He eventually speaks to us. It might not be audible. It could be a thought, or a passage of scripture, or a song. Maybe rather than waiting for that audible voice, we should be listening to what’s around us. We should embrace that God uses his Creation to speak to us.

Michael Bay Revelation

    It makes me think of Bumblebee from Transformers. He used a car radio to speak to others. I like to think that sometimes God speaks to us in many different ways. He shuffles through the channels of the radio to speak, direct, and teach. He may speak audibly too. Yet, I think in the midst of waiting, we to embrace that God will meet us in the silence.


    This could all be complete nonsensical writing and I could be fully wrong. The fact of the matter is, I don’t think people need to carry such a heavy load or feel they aren’t “close” to God if they don’t have these ongoing conversations. The ongoing conversation happens in scripture. God is communicating to us his truth. God will communicate with us through prayer too. The fact is we need to be okay when God doesn’t seem to speak the way we think. Embrace the silence and wait on the Lord.

Reflection

 

Growing up

Time continues to fly by 

As the lines are roadmaps under my eyes 

All the trees I’ve climbed and corns stocks I’ve brushed 

As the hours passed on the clocks 

Where would I be without staying up late with friends

Watching movies and laughing until the night ends

All these memories, remind me of a time

When I believed the world was mine 

All these memories, of summer nights 

Kicking up dust on ball fields

Laughing at my brothers jokes 

As we sat at the dinner table 

When I look back at these times

I remember it well

Oh what a life I get to live 

Soda bottles and guitar amps 

Church basements to small galleries 

Playing songs inspired from nights of skateboards

And jokes at the expense of one another 

The callous fingers and blistered hands 

Casualties of a good time my friends 

All these memories, of beach trips 

All the Bogie boards and boardwalks 

My dad reading books and my mother on kayaks 

All these memories, of running through my high school halls

Because of a game inspired from my friend Tim 

I remember these times well

Oh what a life I get to live 

As I drive down Prince St, I still remember the coffee shops and art galleries 

I remember the times with friends and what we use to eat 

As the years go by, and my eyes earn another line below them 

I remember the gift of each day, and treasure each memory