New Every Morning

Remember my wandering

I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope…

Lamentations 3:19-21

There is this moment in the morning, where my heart is racing, my thoughts are jumbled, and my prayers fade in and out between wanting to sleep more and talking to God about life. I do this all while trying to get the courage to step out of bed. It’s not because the blankets are warm or I’m extremely comfortable (although it can be). I am battling this feeling of being overwhelmed. 

There are days I’d rather just lay in bed and let the world keep going without me. I don't want to deal with work problems, money problems, and even relational problems. Yet, I get up, work out, eat breakfast, and go to work. 

There is a moment of decision making between the uncomfortable thoughts and getting up to start my routine. It's my moment of choice. It's the moment to choose the anxiety from life or to take a step in faith. Honestly, I rather at times live in the fear.

The choice is made easier when I think about Beka and the kids. I ask God, to help me see with new eyes. I the get up and throw the blankets off and stand up. I will struggle through my workout. I will eat my honey filled oatmeal and read my Bible. Sometimes I get a lot out of my reading and other times I sit there feeling like Beltran during the 2006 NLCS game 7 (look it up). I then prepare for my work day and get to work.

I should be honest, the choice is simple, but not easy. It may seem like a paradox to some but let me explain. I look at my family as a gift. Jesus has given me the gift of being a husband and father. Not only this but Jesus has given me all good things in life. He's given me a roof over my head, food to eat, good health, and the ability to work. These are blessings and I'm grateful.

Even in the midst of gratefulness, I still live in a world of struggle. Some days work is toxic and difficult to manage. Being a parent is hard when you feel like you can't help your kid regulate their emotions. Building relationships with people can be hard especially when there may be issues of trust. There are days my money doesn't seem like enough and I can never make enough to support my family. These things bring fear into life. I'm pretty sure the weight of life is what keeps my chiropractor in business.

These are the days it's hard to get out of bed. These are the moments that I ask the question: why am I getting out of bed. That answer is the four word letter: HOPE.

Therefore, I wait...

It’s the hope that tomorrow will be better. It’s the hope that my community will come together and serve one another. It’s the hope that love wins in the end. It’s the hope that even in the struggle, there will be a day of peace. It’s the hope that we will see God. It’s this hope that helps me move forward.

It doesn’t mean that I don’t have moments of where I feel like everything is falling apart. They do happen and it's hard to see hope. It’s in those moments, I must remind myself of the following wisdom:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

for his compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;

therefore I will wait for him.”

Lamentations 3:22-24

For the longest time, this has been my biggest encouragement from scripture. The writer of Lamentations is writing from a place of displacement and judgement upon the nation. This is a low spot for Israel. This is written during exile. This is written in the midst of knowing that what once was is no longer. 

These words convict my soul. They remind me that if I wake up, that God’s compassion for me is new each day. It means even when the world is beating the hell out of me, God's presence doesn't change for me (and people). This reminds me I may fail as a father, husband, and a person but God love for me doesn't change. 

This doesn't mean that I take advantage of grace. It does challenge me to make the most of the next day. It challenges me to love, reconcile, and make right with my neighbors. Grace is nothing if it doesn't cause us to change. 

I'm currently in a place where I feel like I'm in the midst of a fog that blinds me from what's in front of me. I feel the weight of decisions and life circumstances. The truth is, I'm feel low and frustrated.

Yet, I hold out on the hope for tomorrow. That when I wake, the fog is lifted and I can see clearly. It might not be tomorrow or the following day. The fact is it could be a longer time than I want it to be. Yet the Lord's mercies are new each morning. He hasn't left or abandoned me. The light in the darkness. The beauty in the mess. The first thing I need to do each morning, is step out of bed.