Odd Soul (An Old Post from 2010 or something like that)

This is a story...

Growing up, I can honestly say, I was an odd kid. Well, maybe odd isn't the word, but I wasn't always what I imagine is normal. I was that kid, who didn't like pizza. When in Pizza Hut, I'd only eat the bread sticks. I also was afraid of roller coasters and would avoid them at all cost.I still have some fear of heights to this day. I also found myself fascinated in things like "Star Wars" and baseball. This was a focus in my life. I wanted to play for the Mets or be a Jedi.

As I grew up things changed of course. I found out Pizza was actually quite delicious and roller coasters were fun (although I still hate heights). Also, I still love Star Wars and Baseball so very much. Sadly, I never became a Jedi or a Mets player.

Frustrated with faith

I've been frustrated lately with Christianity. It seems to be something that I can't pin-point. I hope no one takes this as bashing Christians because its not the case. My quest is to understand what it means to be a Christian. I have been reading the gospels and am amazed how Jesus does life. Then even looking in Acts and seeing what we know as the "Church".

I've been seeing huge differences from what Christian society is today. It's not all of it but it seems like being a Christian has changed. There seems like such a disunity among the church with all these different views being thrown around. It seems like if someone sees something different in theology, such as when the millennium will happen, then they can't be a part of that church. I mean we have so many denominations. I understand that maybe different churches fit better for different cultures but why does it seem like our churches are so different.

Even our means of worship; people are expected to worship a certain way. If your dancing, your a lunatic in some places, and if you don't raise your hands your not really in deep worship with the Lord. I just don't get it. It doesn't say much about how to properly worship other than to worship God with all your heart. Whether it be through teaching, song, etc. I guess I just don't feel like I fit within Christian society anymore. I feel like a black sheep. I don't fit the idea of "Christians". I'm so simple. I follow what Jesus commands to love God with all my heart, mind, and soul and love others.

I don't care to argue theology unless it's 5 big points of Christian theology. I don't want to talk about predestination and freewill when there is people out there who at this point need to know Jesus. I'm not saying theology isn't important, I'm just saying sometimes we get caught up in the not as important parts of Christianity. I'm not the type of person who speaks "Christianese" or whatever it's called but I like honest conversation. I like to talk about Jesus and make it personal. I want people to see it means something not only in speech but in my actions (I try really hard here because I want to follow Christ commands).

In conclusion

I suppose my questions are coming from my frustration because I strive to follow Christ and I still feel like a black sheep. I find it's hard when in a school because of how I feel and knowing I will be scorned due to my thoughts. Yet I love Jesus. I will try to live obediently and go to scripture for truth. I suppose I will be a black sheep. I will have to live with that until God either reveals I'm wrong or right. Either way, I will look to find Christ in all this chaos. He is my safety when I'm lost.

Once again, I hope no one takes offense. This is me just expressing my thoughts. I think more Christians should express themselves. We deserve to have an open discussion in churches. I believe it enhances the faith.

In parting, I will let the words of scripture seep into our hearts and minds...

Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.
Deuteronomy 6:5

How you feel, when the carpet is pulled out from under you and you forgot your grappling gun

Charlie Brown...

Life has a funny way of upending us. Whether it's losing someone, being rejected, being fired, or just that feeling of lack in our souls. It just seems like there is a part of life that can has us on our backs. I call this the Charlie Brown effect (clearly this isn't something I can coin, I may get sued). 

This week I've had one of those moments. I'm not going to write it here, mostly because it's information that should remain between the parities. 

I've been going through a lot of questions and emotions as of late. Most of those things range from sadness, to disappointment, to anger. I like to think these are dangerous emotions. What stemmed from the emotions came statements like:

• Why was I rejected?
• I am a failure
• I hate the ones who did this to me

Falling on our backs... still no grappling gun.

I struggle as a Christian. This should be something anyone who claims to follow Christ admits. I mean in the Hymn "Come Now Fount of Every Blessing" there is a line that straight up says "Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love". I feel like as Christians we have to recognize the human condition. This is not to say I can excuse myself because of the human condition, but to see that our faithfulness comes from the grace of Jesus.

I struggle with anger. I believe my anger stems mostly from hurt. After I was hurt, I found myself very angry. Hurt whether physical or not can leave people upset and angry. Trust me, when I stub my toe, anger comes out, sometimes in not the most kind words.

My human condition has led me to feel justified to be angry. It says to me get justice. It's like if someone were to punch you, the first thought normally is to punch back. It's just easier to do the wrong thing. It's easier to talk about someone behind there back than to their face, it's easier to ignore someone than talk to them, and it's sure as heck easier letting anger grow and being bitter. Justice is served when we feel like we are somehow breaking down others. I don't know why but we tend to think it helps...

The Shack in which I stay...

There is this great quote that comes from "The Shack". I'm aware that people have stuff against this book, but that's another discussion. The author William Paul Young wrote:

" Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat".

Forgiveness is such a hard thing to find in the heart. It goes for oneself and others. I think it's harder when Jesus answers Peter's question, how many times after a brother sinning against us, should we forgive. Matthew 18:23," Jesus said to him, 'I do not say seven times, but seventy-seven times'"

Forgiveness is an important process in order to get our hearts back in the right place. I say this because it's true. My anger towards others was stemmed from my emotions. You can see it in the questions and the emotions I mentioned earlier. My hurt is driving me. Satan takes hold of this weakness and exploits it.

Forgiveness releases us from the chains we bound ourselves with. Jesus understood this idea. When we hold on to our anger, we hurt ourselves more. We break bonds with people. We break relationship. Hurt makes us blind to the fact that we have broken relationship with God and others.

GRACE

Nothing in Christianity is easy. It calls you to do things that just seem incredibly hard. The truth be told we can't do it. It is only by the grace of God we can forgive, overcome emotions, and find a place where our soul can be at peace. 

We are bound to sinful nature, which tells you and I to follow the way of mankind. It tells us to not forgive, to hold onto bitterness, to get justice our way. When we allow Christ to work in our lives it's the opposite. We will forgive, we will let go, and we will allow justice in God's timing. 

It's not easy for me to give things to God. After the past week, all that I've gone through; I still have a lot to go through. I'm still angry. I'm still hurt. Yet God's grace is softening my heart. God's love for me, His forgiveness for my sin, helps me each day.

The writer of Lamentations wrote the following words which to this day live as my life verse. He writes:

I remember my affliction and my wandering,

    the bitterness and the gall.

I well remember them,

    and my soul is downcast within me.

 Yet this I call to mind

    and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,

    for his compassions never fail.

 They are new every morning;

    great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion;

    therefore I will wait for him.”

Every day is a new day. We no longer have to live with the things that break relationships and that hurt hearts. We are free because God's love towards us. Each day is a gift. We don't have to remain like Charlie Brown on our backs but standing tall. God is good and faithful even in the midst of our storms.


Ps. Poor Charlie Brown, he's a good guy, but man he's got it rough...

Random dudes, doing amazing things

As I was reading my Bible this morning, I noticed some papers fell out of my Bible. I apparently use books to hold papers from college and other ministry related things. I also had letters from two students I had when I taught. Quick back story, I taught Bible classes for 2 years in the Philippines at an International school. In these 2 years, I was able to get to know some kids pretty well. This is why I got letters.

I was reading through the letters. There was one that was simple, calling me there favorite teacher (which I still not sure why). The one that sticks out to me the most is from a young Korean boy. I will refrain from using his name. It is something that is very dear to me. It was nothing profound but it made me feel like at the end of the day, I may have connected with a student and impacted their life.

Connecting with others... while making an impact.

I had a conversation with someone this past week. Someone asked me what I think is important when believing in Jesus. My response was relationships.

I responded this way because it goes both ways. We need to have a relationship with Christ in order to have good relationships with others. It's the way I believe we can make a positive impact in others lives. This is not to say, someone who doesn't believe in God can't make an impact. This is just to say, that as a Christian, to make an impact is being connected to Christ.

The times I most feel I made the most impact and vice versa, is when Christ is at the center. The reason I say this, is because it is nothing that I am doing, but what Christ is doing through me. It's not this Korean boy (who made a major impact in myself) but Christ. God molds us to the situations he wants people to grow. 

He's the hero Gotham deserves...

God uses people to make an impact. To me that's a crazy idea. He uses us for His purposes, to make things happen. 

He used a random people to make the biggest impacts. He used a random old guy to build a nation. He found a shepherd boy, and made him apart of a Saviors kingly family line. He used a killer to spread his word to Gentile believers.

God uses the most random people to impact the world. I have a friend named Gary who felt called to plant a church in Bristol, PA. While planting this church, through lots of prayer and action, Bristol was kind of given second wind. This is not to say he was the only one to do this, but he was a part of a bigger movement. God used him to get others to love Bristol. Through that love, changes happened.

We live in a world that is often discouraging. It will beat us down. We wonder if we have purpose. Christ gives us purpose. We often don't see what we do in peoples lives. We often have these dreams of bigger things. Yet it's the small victories that lead to the larger picture. I thought as a teacher, I'd see a bunch of kids coming to Christ. It didn't happen.Yet when I read these cards, I realized, I planted a seed in a kids life. That I impacted him in a way, he will remember. It probably wasn't my teaching but the relationship I had with him. The same goes with my friend Gary. He worked on relationships with others to see growth. 

God uses us. That's incredible. He chooses to use people to make his plans come to fruition. We should take that to heart. God love is so great, that he chose flawed people to make an impact. We should celebrate in that fact!

Troy and Abed In Sean's Blog!!

I'm Definitely Not Normal...

I am not normal. I'm not weird or creepy (or at least I don't think so). It's something I deal with a lot when I take those moments of self-reflection. For instance, when I was a kid, my mother said I use to eat dirt (no, I don't still eat dirt). As a kid, my older brother would be flying around the yard on his sweet new ride (or bike) and I would just sit there eating handfuls of dirt. 

As I got older, I was a really picky eater in a weird way. I didn't like pizza. I only liked bread sticks. So if the family went to pizza hut, they'd order breadsticks and that's all I'd eat. Also I didn't eat Twizzlers until my older brother tricked me telling me they tasted like strawberries. I'll be honest, Ian (older brother) really was the person who probably helped expand my food choices and music later on. Also maybe the dirt I mentioned earlier made me a weird eater. Sorry I digress...

Of course later on in life, I hit the age of 21, and I don't drink. I don't have a desire to drink. I don't know why. I like to think it's because of the impact it had on people but I think its because I just don't care. I guess that's how I've come to the conclusion I'm not normal.

I'm not a normal Christian either...

There are moments in our lives in which we know we feel out of place. I remember feeling that way when I went to Bible College. 

Now, to begin, I had grown up in a Christian family. They did a great job of raising me in the faith. By the time I was in college, I felt as I was still building my knowledge in my faith. The reason I chose Bible college, was because I wanted to grow in my understanding of what I believe. Believe me it was the best choice I ever made, but I will say, walking into it at the point of my life, was like walking around naked in a mall.

I realized from the first moments, that I felt uncomfortable. Mostly because I felt like I was a horrible Christian. There was a language. I left America and ended up in a foreign nation. They were saying things and yes even making biblical jokes. Now growing up the way I did, I may have played a lot of video games instead of reading my Bible, so I was really not up to par.

Please don't think I'm bashing people and Bible colleges, they are necessary. I loved my time and would never change it for the world, but that was the moment I was not a normal Christian. I realized most of the people I went to college with, went to Christian high schools, had a long family line of pastors (my dad is a pastor but he was later in life), and knew professors from church. I literally grew up going to public school, my dad being a pastor without us getting the Pastors kid treatment, and not knowing anything about people like John Piper.

It's hard to be...

I imagine this is how the Gentiles felt in the Bible. The Jews were such a great people. They were chosen by God. I mean that's crazy to think. These people were God's chosen. That means that they were selected by God. They were the people He wanted to represent Him on earth. 

I always go back to the story of the Canannite woman. She goes towards Jesus, knowing he's a Jew. He's one of God's chosen people. She ask him to help with her daughter who is possessed by a demon.  In Matthew, it states that the disciple ask Jesus, to tell this woman to essentially leave them alone (Mt 15:23). 

This women persist and even gets Jesus to say the following, "I was sent only for the lost sheep of Israel" (15:24). He even says it's not good for the children's (Jewish nation) bread to be given to the dogs (Gentiles).

DOGS!!!!!!! WE"RE GONNA FIGHT!!!!

So to many people, being called a dog isn't a good thing. So to help people understand, Jesus wasn't being disrespectful. He was testing this ladies faith. His mission was first for the Jews, it's clearly seen. They were God's peeps. Yet, he still had a mission to save all man. In this instance, Jesus is saying what God's chosen, selected, normal people, would say about people outside the faith. 

The Gentiles weren't respected because they were not the true God's people. They were second rate in the minds of the true Israelities. It wasn't normal for a Gentile to interact or believe in things Israel believed in. 

This is my favorite part. This lady after being called a dog, says this to Jesus. 

Even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master's table (Mt. 15:27)

WHAT! This lady straight up isn't normal. Who does this? It's amazing because she accepts the fact that she isn't necessarily important in Jesus current mission. She accepts this and humbles herself to Him. 

I imagine Jesus had a smirk on his face when He heard this statement. The faith of this woman was so great. She did the thing that wasn't normal and was rewarded for her faith. Jesus then commends her and heals her daughter. This incredible story blows the minds of the reader.

JESUS DOESN'T WANT NORMAL

I don't believe Jesus wants us to be normal. I don't believe being a Christian is normal. As I was at Bible College, I realized as I got to know people, they weren't normal. They had their quirks. They even worshipped God differently. I even met people who were like me, growing in their understanding.

I didn't feel bad about who I was and how I was growing in God. I may have seemed like a dog among others but my heart was what Jesus wanted to be right.

We were made unique. I openly admit that I don't like most christian music. That's okay because God doesn't look down on me for it. God is looking to your heart. He desires you to humble yourself before Him. He doesn't want clones but people to go towards Him.

Yes we are to strive to be like Christ. Yet he has given us unique gifts, ideas, and talents to use to worship Him. Be who God has created you to be. Don't be normal. Be you. We were made not to be normal but to be us! Now I will play myself out...

A Stumbling Saint....

Day by Day...

There is a young man who I have had the pleasure to get to know. Let's call him Drake (no not thing crazy dancing rapper). I remember the first time I saw Drake. To give context, I work with what is called "hard to place" young men and women. Drake was not one of those types by the look at him. He was tall, on the thinner side, and some would say he looked like a certain celebrity...

I walk up to Drake and I introduce myself, and of course he says his name and shakes my hand. In my brief interaction I was curious why he ended up at my work. It honestly only took a few days before I started understanding why Drake had ended up at this placement.

Drake was a foul-mouth, bad attitude, gangster (his words not mine) man. Most of his conversations were about guns, women, and selling drugs. His first few weeks, to be honest, I thought this kid would not make it at our placement. He literally did everything wrong. Then his attitude and I quote would be " I don't give a f*** this place is a**".

White-Washed Tombs

Jesus once said this to the pharisees:"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. 28 In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness" (Mt.23:27-28)

I read a commentary to kind of understand this idea a bit better. It expressed, in this time, that people made tombs white because if a Jew were to step on the tomb they would be considered unclean. The idea is this: the graves would look beautiful on the outside, but on the inside it was nothing but decay and death.

What Jesus is essentially saying to these Pharisees, these leaders of the law, or what might be considered Pastors or heads of the church. You appear being right before all, but on your inside you are filled with death and decay. This is a state in which I call a heart condition.

Drake is a Stumbling Saint

I had successfully avoided ever having to really deal with Drake. To be completely honest, I just didn't want to deal with the trouble that I thought he'd be. Then one day, I came into work and to my surprise he had been put as my help for deliveries. I remember trying to find ways to convince my boss to put someone else with me. Obviously in the end, God had other plans. 

At first, I felt the day would be awkward. The funny thing was Drake made me feel comfortable. Sure he was cussing up a storm but he was very open. We spoke of many things on our travels through the day. I learned a lot about him and his past. I learned a lot about his future goals as well. At that moment, I realized that I was a whitewashed tomb. I had a heart condition. I judge this young man before even hearing his heart. I was seeing myself as righteous and seeing him as a problem.

I love the line in the song posted above "Day by Day" where it states, "I am not who I was, now I am who I am. A sinner saved, a stumbling saint." I am a stumbling saint. As seen above, I judge others, I complained, I fought loving the seeming unlovable. Drake's a stumbling saint as well. He curses and he fights. Yet we are both beloved sons of Christ. 

IN CONCLUSION

We can live one of two ways. We can live as if we are awesome on the outside and dead on the inside, or live with God's grace. Our heart is 100 percent dependent on our understanding of Christ. When we understand that we are stumbling saints. We truly are able to not be white washed but to allow Jesus blood to cleanse us. It will heal us from our broken souls. Not only that but our eyes will see other stumbling saints. Drake will always be a huge part of my life. He has impacted me in a way I can thank him enough for but I will remember the lesson he taught me. We are prone to wander and forget our God. Yet, He will retrieve us in the best ways possible. Day by day we will go through all of life's trials. Yet, God walks alongside us, never allowing us to be alone.

Every Taylor Swift Song: A Study of Heartbreak

We've all experienced that moment where we just feel defeated. This was a feeling that most Patriots fans felt when David Tyree caught a pass that will forever haunt New England. At the end of a perfect season up to this point, this moment changed the game in favor of the Giants. Eventually the Giants went on to win in one of the biggest upsets in Football (The American One).

Now to many people in New England this was utter heartbreaking. To me, it was so beautiful. But this isn't about my personal preferences. This is about heartbreak. This is about every song Taylor Swift writes (seriously look below 😏). 

One of my favorite songs (not of all time), states this about heartbreak. 

This isn't easy, This isn't clear
And you don't need Jesus, Till you're here
Then confusion and the doubts you had, Up and walk away

They walk away, When a heart breaks

-Ben Rector

What I love about this song is the honesty. When we deal with heartbreak it just make sense. We just feel disappointed and have so many questions. I will be the first to admit, I've been in this place before. So begins the story...

In high school, I had a friend. He was quite an amazing person. He was a great athlete, into some good music, and most of all just fun to be around. Now I'll admit, we weren't close. We were more like friends who just hung out at school and did class projects together. Then one summer, this guy who had it all, took his life.

I remember my dad asking if I knew him. That moment I will remember. Seeing the picture of one of my friends in the newspaper obituary section. I didn't break down but my heart did hurt. I can only explain it as a moment where I was lost in questions. Why did he do it? Will I see him ever again (this is the hardest question to ask)? What are others thinking? It was heartbreaking because it effected people in school and even rocked peoples faith.

Is there resolution to Heartbreak?

Heartbreak is all around us. We see it in relationships, with losing loved ones, watching others suffer, etc. I will be the first to admit, it isn't easy seeing anything good in times of heartbreak (seriously talk to someone lost a parent or child). 

Jesus knew a lot about heartbreak. I always think about the cross. When he was captured, most of his boys (the disciples) ran off, Judas betrayed him, and then Peter denies him 3 times. The human side of Jesus heart had to break. To see sin at it's fullest in his brothers, his friends, his closest allies. 

The beauty is that even in the midst of the heartbreak, Jesus walked to the cross and took upon himself our sin. I know this isn't the best answer to heartbreak. I know for myself, knowing that Jesus because of his heartbreak towards the world, He went in to save it. He didn't deny us salvation because of heartbreak. He gave us a place of healing and freedom.

I realize this is very Christian of me to say. The truth be told, I probably don't see resolution in the cross enough. I still cry, I still get angry, I still feel like upset. The beauty is that Jesus lets us feel. In the garden his soul was in such anguish that his sweat turned to blood. Jesus lets us express our hearts but wants us to see we aren't alone.

Be BATMAN!

  

As many know, I love Batman. He's a character that seems to just make sense to me. He had a major heartbreak happen but allowed himself (parents killed in front of him) and used it to make the world safer. Obviously, I'm not saying become Batman (or am I 😉). 

Heartbreak doesn't need to define us. It doesn't need to leave us feeling alone. We have a Jesus. We have others who have experienced it too. Life can move forward. We are allowed to hurt but I know life has purpose for heartbreak. It sucks but be like Batman (maybe more like Jesus).

My Name Is Sean Willison

To begin a blog, I figured I'd begin like one of my favorite TV shows, Arrow. My name is Sean Willison and I had been on an Island for 2 years before moving to another Long Island... yeah I'll stop there. 

To be honest, I started this blog because I just wanted to write. I like to think I may be good at it, but I could be wrong. All I know, is I wanted to be able to write my thoughts. Not necessarily for other people, but for myself. You see, I process better while listening to music and just thinking about the greater things in life. These things include (but isn't inclusive to) what should I cereals are best, would Batman win a fight against Jason Bourne, what it would be like to sit down and just talk to Jesus, and why is my wife a ninja who hits me in her sleep. 

In all seriousness, I do process a lot of things. Obviously (as shown above), not all things are real life altering thoughts but it makes me who I am. 

I am writing this blog because I believe that I need to be able to allow myself to be glad in who God has created me to be. I'll be honest, sometimes I'm embarrassed of who I am. It's gotten a lot better since I married this beautiful lady (picture below). She has help me accept a lot of who I am. That was a huge part, of God's plan for her in my life.

I write this because I know people feel the same way. I write this because Jesus has placed this in my heart. I write this because I know this is a daily struggle for me to accept the beautiful grace of who God has made me to be. 

So here we go. Round 2 of Arrow intro...

 My name is Sean Willison. I am currently 27 years old living in New York but a PA boy at heart. I love the Mets, Star Wars, comic books (Batman, Green Arrow especially), and Tony Hawk's Pro Skater. My utmost desire is to live a life, that Jesus has called me to live. I know I will utterly fail but because of the grace of Jesus, I am given a second chance every morning! 

In no way do I want to preach but I want to write from the heart. I don't know what this blog will become or even if it will last but for now, I'm in this. My hope is to post once a week. So in the worlds of the great philosophers Wayne Campbell and Garth Algar....

Goodnight,

Sean