The Psalm of a Modern Day Man

Father,


As I write, I am constantly distracted by these thoughts of "what if's". I know I shouldn't look at life as if things should be different. I sure as hell shouldn't be thinking of this when I'm writing to you. Yet, here I am, and I'm still doing so. 

I'm tired. I'm hurting. I'm so unsure. In a way, I feel I've failed you. I feel like I've abandon you. I am constantly trying to divert my eyes, to keep the voices of doubt out of my mind, but they scream like the breaks of a train. The scream is so loud it literally hurts my soul. 

I wonder with all my wandering, my bitterness, and doubts: Have you abandon me? Have I gone to far? Have I done to much? Are you tired of me? Do you use distances to muffle my cries? Do you know the hell that I feel?

I'm tired of all the people telling me, "this will be okay". I'm tired of trying to keep a smile on my face, when all I want to do is cry. I've tried all that you've told me. I've tried but there is still sleepless nights! Will you even listen? Have I said too much? Have I done wrong? 

I'm angry. It's not even your fault. If anything, you still listen to my plea. Help me with this Father. I can't do it. I just can't keep moving forward on my own. I look at these pictures in my mind, of all that I've done, of all that I am...

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all that I said. I know that you are more than enough. You spoke my existence into being. I can't even fathom what you've endured. You had to feel the weight of the world and more. While I sit here and judge you! I can't even grasp for a second the amount of pain that comes to your heart, when any of us hurt. You fight for the lost. You long to restore the broken hearts, the defeated, and the lost. You are willing to part the seas, move mountains, and walk through fire for us. 

Father, you even value me. You value those who walk and grow weary. You value the one who's heart is broken but wanting to be fixed. You know my thoughts and you want to heal me. Nothing will ever stop you from loving me. Nothing will stop you from loving anyone. Your love is vast. It's wide. It's consuming. It's like the ocean's waves, constantly falling day in and day out. 

Father forgive me in my darkest moment, that I doubt you. Forgive me for my unbelief. Forgive me for all that is not right in your eyes. Lord, restore me. I accept that I have no control. I accept that I have to wait on You. Father, please let your Spirit bring peace to my heart. For without you, I am scared, anxious and afraid. Yet, with your Spirit. I am free to enter your peace. To feel your presence. To know I am not alone.

I no longer wander helpless, for you are with me always.

Love you and let this be,

Sean

Freedom

I wanted to write about something more focused. I wanted to be honest, and not hold back. I believe this is something that God has been speaking into my life lately. It's this idea of freedom.

I wrote this Psalm or letter to express my frustration. I believe it's because I have lost this freedom that comes with Christ.

I believe freedom is something as Christians and even not Christians struggle with. We constantly bind ourselves to past sins, things on the earth, and people. We can only find freedom in the love of Christ. We can only find freedom when we are truly honest with ourselves and understand we can do it on our own. 

Freedom can come to us. We have to be willing to accept it. So as I begin my journey of writing and discovering freedom, let us be honest and willing to let go of all that binds us. Let's be honest, and discover the depths of freedom that God has blessed us. It's a struggle to see it, but God's love is abounding through even these struggles of life. 

Now off to discover being free!

"When the righteous cry for help, the LORD hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit"

-Psalm 34:17-18