No Longer An Outcast

When I Grow Up

I remember when I was a kid loving baseball. I love the feeling of your fingers sliding across the seams when you throw the ball. The chills when you hear the crack (or clank if you use metal bats) bat, knowing you just destroyed the pitch. There is a list of things I love about the game of baseball, but I feel that list could go on forever.

Baseball was what I wanted to do with my life. Since I was young, my dream was to play for the New York Mets. I'd dream of what it would feel like to play at Shea Stadium (now Citi Field), to run the bases, and to win with my team. Obviously, life didn’t really play out the way my six-year-old self wanted.

My love for baseball eventually did start to fade. It wasn’t the lack of how much I loved the game. It was that the game beat me down. I worked hard. Yet, it often seemed that I had to carry a heavy weight. Surprisingly, I was good at baseball. This meant a lot of coaches put pressure on me. One memory is of me going through a slump, and the coach just kind of cycling me out of games. 

Sure I’d play, but in right field. I’m going to state something about right field that may offend lovers of right field: it’s really boring. Right field is the least hit to part of the outfield (especially anything before high school). You really are just kicking around grass. I was also near the end of the batting order, so it meant less at bats. I noticed I sit out until later innings too. This was my punishment for not producing (also not being a coaches son).

I lost my love for baseball but I also started lacking confidence. I felt like I deserved to be where I had been placed. This pattern can suck you in. The devil sucks us into this lie, that when we lack in success, we aren’t good enough.

Being Britta: Being the Worst

How often do we find ourselves in this situation? Not just in sports, but school, work, and even church. The world can and will beat you down with lies. It makes us believe we aren’t good enough or somehow we were messed up.

As human beings, we tend to focus on the things about us that aren’t up to par. We listen to what people say about us. We look try to fit labels. If we are honest, we are in constant battle with ourselves about who we are.

It’s incredible that how we look at ourselves can affect our lives. I remember in school, I’d be in the lowest level classes in things like Math or Science. Due to this, I would tell people lies that I chose the class or that it was easy. To be honest, I struggled greatly but I didn’t want people to think I was dumb. I started to believe I wasn’t smart. That mentality made me scared to strive for more. I bought into a lie.

It’s funny because I think we buy into this lie that we aren’t good enough. In a way, it’s true. We aren’t good enough to please God, but that’s why Jesus dying and resurrection are so vital to a Christian’s faith. If not for Jesus, we’d just sin and constantly fail. As I write this part, I have to laugh because it sounds really discouraging. The truth is, it shouldn’t. Think of it like this: Jesus endured the embarrassment, the wrath of God, and death for our sin. Then He rose to complete the work needed for us to be saved. He gives forgiveness and grace freely to those who call upon him. He wants to have a relationship with us.

Being Batman: You Are Awesome

Now let those truths sink in for a moment. Jesus died for our sin. He died for all. God since the garden (even before that) valued you and me so much, that he came to save us from sin. Not only that but He wants to communicate with us. Jesus wants to talk with me. He values me regardless of how much money I make, what I do, and the mistakes I have made. 

As I just take in what I just wrote, I get choked up a bit. It’s not that I wrote it beautifully but the truth behind it. God loves us so much. I cannot even fathom how much love that is but I am in constant thanks of it. I am unworthy of His love, but He gave it freely.

I’m always asked how do you apply this idea to your life. It comes with a lot of wrestling and prayer. It’s a constant battle. The devil wants to convince you of how you aren’t wonderful. When we walk with Jesus, we are beautiful because of His love. It doesn’t matter if you are rich, poor, a Mets fan, unemployed, divorced, etc. Jesus sees you with value. You are good enough because you have His grace! We are valued in Jesus.

We must remember this truth in order to move forward and to grow. It won’t be easy but I imagine that’s why we are able to communicate with God. If anyone is wondering, I still love baseball. I can't wait for the warm weather, so I can finally catch some Mets games!

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book 

before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.

- Psalms 139:13-18

The Struggle Is Real

Rough Beginnings

My start into the world wasn't the best. At an early age, I was sick. It wasn't the fun kind of sick, where you get to stay home and play video games. It was the sick that brought pain.  I can't say I remember much but I can recall a few good moments. Most of the story is told from my parents perspectives. In some way, I believe God saved me from remembering. Although, if I am honest, I don't very much like hospitals. 

I still remember the hospital having a unique smell. Even though most hospitals are sterilized to perfection (well I hope at least) you still feel a bit dirty. It's believe it comes from the fear of not knowing what's wrong with you. I remember walking through the halls of the hospital with my parents or playing Nintendo with my brother Ian. Those moments helped me forget how scared we probably all were. I don't think I understood the journey God was taking me on. He definitely made me a fighter.

The God whom allows struggles

I believe in a God. Not a "god" but the one and only God. I believe in God who sent His son to be a sacrifice to cover my sin as well as others. He also promise those who believe eternal life. It's a pretty awesome gig. It's all awesome if you just tell people that part of the deal. After the feel good stuff, you hear things like this in the Bible; "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33 ESV). 

If you look the word tribulation is in there. It's a word that I myself seem to forget often. Jesus is saying right here that we will have peace in Him, but we will have trouble. Most people look at that and think, "Oh yes I will be okay when trials come". Yet in reality, this is where we can see what it really means to be a Christian. It's the when everything hits the fan that we can see our true hearts.

I believe that God does things for a purpose. Obviously, being really sick as a child isn't the best way to start off life. Yet because of this event, my parents faith was made stronger. God was showing his ultimate presence in this matter to me, my family, and doctors. Ultimately, I ended up being okay and by God's grace, I've been healthy for 27 years. God allows these hard events in our lives to help define us. It changed my parents. It changed my brother Ian. It changed the doctors. It changed me. I would not be who I am without that part of my life. Although I don't remember much, God still left an impact in my life. I am humbled because in His hands, He allowed me to become a man, get married, and soon to be a father. Through my early trials, through my parents prayers, through the churches prayers, I was healed. 

A Few Weeks Later...

The last few weeks, I have learned to appreciate life. We are to appreciate all parts of life: the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Even suffering or pain is something to appreciate. Life is something God gave so freely to us. I mean the fact that I still get to live is a blessing.

It's easy to become selective as a Christian. It's easy to enjoy the benefits of grace. I still do in many moments of life. I believe James says it best "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" (James 1:2-4 ESV). 

Every struggle in life isn't God's way of pushing you away, its drawing us closer. We mess up. That's the beauty of grace, He forgives. We will struggle. We will lose jobs, watch friends past away, lose the battle to addiction, etc. Yet in these moments, we are growing. In the struggle, we are loved and God provides. I can say this on multiple accounts. Even as I turn my back, God does not. 

We are blessed with life. We are loved. We are defined in Christ. We are free!


Then the LORD came down in the cloud and stood there with him and proclaimed his name, the LORD. And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, “The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation.”



Jeremiah 34:5-7