Playing with Fire

THIS IS MY BRAIN

My mind is constantly in battle. I’m searching for answers to questions that aren’t very easy to answer. Most of the time these things end up being conversations I have in my head with God. God is always gracious in walking through these ideas with me too. I’ve never had a bad conversation or at least I think.

You see, how I view God is important to me. It’s the utmost importance because I want to do what’s right. I believe in trying my best to do what I think is the right thing. I’m sure there is a deeper issue in their but if I’m being honest, it’s because I want people to see Christ. 

I don’t get why people don’t love Jesus. I know some (not all) people look at Christianity and see a bunch of hypocritical, homophobic, chauvinistic people. In a way, I do agree that there definitely are those tendencies in the church and they aren’t good.

The thing I see is people focusing too much on people. The Bible clearly shows imperfect people and our need for a savior. I know people don’t always show this part of them but if I’m being honest, I’m definitely in need of a savior. It’s not that I’m a horrible person by human standards, but I know I fall short.

I do believe that I am a sinner in need of grace. It’s really easy to see that in my life. I give the finger to the guy who cuts me off, I’ve looked at inappropriate things, and I’ve of course went after other idols other than God. The beautiful thing is Jesus Christ.

Jesus came to save us from that sinful nature. All he wants us to acknowledge our sin and believe and have a relationship. I love it. I am able to admit that I’m not perfect and I screw up. He wants me to let go of this persona I created to protect myself and accept that I’m in need. Then he wants to be in relationship with me. He wants to guide and trust Him. It’s beautiful.

Hit Harder

The thing with life though, is life hits hard. We see people for what they are, we see power being abused, and we see how random circumstances can affect people whether good or bad. It makes you wonder about life. It makes you wonder. It makes you question. Is this really what life needs to be?

I’d be lying to say I never questioned God. I question his existence, I question his goodness, and I’ve question even my own purpose of being on the earth. I use to fear these questions. Doubt was always frowned upon in Christian circles. Everyone points to the scripture in the gospels of Thomas. The church even gave him the name “Doubting Thomas”.

The first setting where I started being able to believe it was okay to express these thoughts was through music. The first album that really hit this home was As Cities Burns album “Come Now Sleep”. It had themes of suicide, doubt, fear, etc. It made me not feel alone in a time where I was still figuring things out. I believe Jesus lead me to music in order to find more of Him.

Music was a safe haven. It wasn’t always doubts but even some good things about Jesus. The music community was also a very homey community. In a way, it was a church to me. We did live life together. We laughed, cried, prayed, and of course made music. I look back and I’m grateful for the gift that it was to my life.

As I got older though questions still come and go. This hit me the hardest when I lost my job. I saw the injustices being done in a company and I was the one who got burned. For the first time in my life, the book of Ecclesiastes made a lot more sense. That life is random sometimes and bad things can happen even when you are doing good. During this time, I started to deconstruct my understanding of the world. 

I want to be clear, I’m a Christian. I’ve just changed some of my ideas of church and how I deal with people. I would say, my life is much more gray than black and white. I’m not as defensive towards others who think differently than me. I want people to know Jesus but I don’t feel the burden of their soul on myself. Now to be clear, this doesn’t mean I don’t care, rather I allow a person and the Holy Spirit to work. I just don’t allow myself to bear the weight of their world. Maybe that’s wrong but I know the Lord will work on my heart if that’s the case. 

I use to get scared about my thoughts. I used to be afraid that I’d be alone. I used to be afraid I go to Hell. Now I do see things brighter. I am hopeful. I still have my moments of fear. I still have moments of being stressed out. I’d be lying if I didn’t have my moments of discouragement. The thing is though, I see God in less of a fearful light and more as one who loves.

I Guess I'm Going to Hell

SO THIS IS A STORY

There are some days I think I’m going to Hell. I’m not just saying this for a reaction. I actually have moments where this crosses my mind. The rational part of me is reminded I’ve saved by God’s grace. I’m reminded that I am His child. Even though I know this,I still battle with these thoughts of doubt. If I’m being honest, it happens more than I want it to.

You see, I’ve been a Christian for a good chunk of my life. Yet God got muddied in a whirlwind of theological thoughts and voices of prominent Christian figures. I get stuck in a place of confusion and fear.

An example of this would be my first theological class. The professor was a pastor at a local church. He was a nice guy but taught things that I hadn’t known before about the Bible. I’ll be honest, I was theologically illiterate which probably means I was also illiterate in Bible. This guy would talk about things like unconditional election and limited atonement. Essentially the idea is that God has selected people not based on merit but a group of people who will receive his grace. Where limited atonement comes into play, is that even though Christ's sacrifice was sufficient for all, it’s only the elect whom get salvation.

Now at first glance, it doesn’t seem so bad; but in my mind, I’m asking the question am I part of the elect? How does one know you’re elected? It didn’t help that people would say by ones works. I mean, what the heck does that mean right? I’m saved by grace alone but my work will also be a factor. Which lead into questions of, am I doing the right works? Am I evangelizing enough? You can see where some fear may come into the equation.

So I was living with the fear of God and really discouraged because in no way was I a good Christian. I was making mistakes. I’m still making mistakes. I lust, I worship other gods (materialism), I swear probably over the limit you should. This is me. I don’t feel elected. If anything, most days I feel pretty dirty and rotten.

Now I’m not taking shots at any great theologians. I will say that I probably disagree. I might be wrong but I think that’s for God to correct. I do pray that I get clarity and my heart is in the right place. I sit in that place and I’m okay with it.

Yet in my soul, I know I’m secure. I know that I love Jesus and He loves me. I know that I’m in need of a savior. I know that I long to just be a dog at the Lord’s table getting the crumbs. If crumbs are all I get then I will eat and be satisfied in the Lord. This feeling is what makes me feel comfortable to talk about the injustices and be honest about my walk.

I remember reading a post on Facebook about a very progressive faith figure passing. Now the initial post was really great but a comment that followed that haunts me. This person wrote a comment stating “It’s always a great tragedy when you see time run out for a false teacher to repent”.Then someone said that this might not be the time and the person justified themselves saying it helps with how we grieve that person’s death. This made me sick. I have it saved in my phone to remind myself that I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to pass judgement but rather mourn the life of someone lost. I want to love and not be so stuck in my ways that I forget that this was a living breathing person who had a family, goals, and love for Jesus.

This is the stuff that scares me. The pride of our own knowledge, the abuses of power, and the lack of authenticity. This is not the way it should be. We should be people who are willing to listen, ask questions, and in the end whether we agree or disagree, love one another because we serve a God bigger than us.

I’ve always been so afraid to speak about my own thoughts because I’m afraid of what will happen. I’m afraid people will condemn me. I have a fear that someone might even say that I am not truly a follower of Christ.

My world has been turned upside down because I started thinking for myself. I stopped allowing what others said influence me and really examine ideas. I also cut through the facades we place on ourselves and embraced the fact that it’s okay to be in the process of being built up. I’m okay with not being sure about certain ideas in the faith that I’ve been told are right for the last 30 years. I’m embracing my doubts and allow God to teach me. I’m embracing this journey of life and asking questions while I go.

So why am I writing all this about faith. It’s to address the fact that I struggle deeply with my faith. It’s not an easy journey for me. I use to think it was when my parents told me that the most important thing was giving my life to Christ. I did that and I followed Christ the way I thought was right. This meant loving others and respecting people. Then things got complicated.

This doesn’t mean I’ve given up on Jesus. This means I’m embracing the way God made me. This means loving the body, mind, and spirit Christ has created. I hold onto the fact that God will reveal those things that aren’t of Him in me. Until He speaks into those things, I will walk in a place of peace, understanding, and love for others. I will embrace the different and allow God to work in the midst. This may still include my battle with feeling like I may go to Hell but at least I know God will walk with me to combat these thoughts.

Speaking a Different Language

My emotions, MY EMOTIONS

It’s often I find myself lacking words to express myself. I’m not very expressive to begin with: just ask my wife. It’s not that I don’t understand what I’m feeling. It’s more I don’t know how to express it so others can understand. I’m good at understanding others but understanding myself, sometimes is a bit harder.

Hippy days

That’s where music comes in. Music has been a way I connect. It expresses some times what my words cannot. It allows me to feel and understand.

 For example, there is a song called “Not Done With You Yet” by the Classic Crime. It’s really a simple song but expresses so much to me. One line always stands out to me in this song when the writer says “so I asked God if he could fix my flaws. And he said I gave them to you.I know they are killing you. But I'm not done with you yet”.
Now as someone who study Bible in school for 4 years, I find this song helped me understand God’s love better than reading verses in the Bible. This is not to say that I don’t connect with scripture but rather that, sometimes the Holy Spirit uses a song to really understand God’s love.

The best way to describe my relationship with music, is a language I understand. This isn’t just in the listening to music but even playing. I’ve played guitar for over 10 years now (still have lots of room to improve), and it’s one of the ways I feel I can best express myself. I believe this is the time that God and I connect on a different level. It’s hard to explain but let me try.

The Bat-cave: How God Works in Melodies

When I play guitar, it’s a moment of peace. It sounds weird but even with my son around, I still find peace in it. It’s almost like meeting with a close friend that even after spending years apart, you just connect like no time passed at all. You can rehash memories and even tell stories of new things happening in life. There are moments the music you play can give complete joy to moments that leave you with tears.

This is not to say that it’s necessarily beautiful to others but it matters to you. It’s because in that moment, playing chords, scales, or harmonics, it’s the voice that is expressing what you are thinking and feeling. I believe that for me to be God speaking to me reminding me, that He isn’t done with me. In those moments, God starts speaking to me in a voice that is calming and beautiful.

By no means am I a great musician or have a great ear for music but I connect with it. You don’t always need singing either. There are times I listen to Saxon Shore song and it just hits home. Since I’m a visual learner too, it helps with a video playing alongside music. It helps me understand what the music is doing inside of my heart.

The Future and the Importance of Shredding

Now I suppose my description may sounds a bit weird. I mean reading over it, it does a sound a bit strange. Yet I know in my heart, the gift of music has saved my life. I remember my brother introducing me to good music that helped me in my faith. I remember writing music with my friends in a band, which gave me a community of brothers who prayed, encouraged, and loved me. It also introduced me to a world of people who understood some of the thoughts I had especially the ones that I dealt with in Christianity. 

I’m very thankful that I was introduced into the world of music. I’m grateful that God allowed me to embrace it. I hope for many more years of it. I hope that others will experience it and feel the Spirit of God. I hope in that moment, people realize that they aren’t alone.

Woodstock

Side-Kick

When I name people like: Robin, Aqualad, Superboy, Speedy, and Ron Weasley, most people think of the word sidekick. These are the guys who back up the big guns. Like in football, they are usually viewed as the second string. Sometimes they are made out to be the comedic relief. The reason for this is usually to balance out an intense/serious character. 

Sidekicks normally aren't talked like the main hero. Most of the names above, people don't have much knowledge of other than they exist as a sidekick. Although they have an extensive history: Speedy used heroin, Robin ditched Batman and became Nightwing, etc. That's the sad part of being a sidekick. People don't notice the importance of them. 

That's how I've felt most of my life. I was the Robin to someone's Batman. My Batman's could be in the form of family members, friends, and even co-workers. This isn't to put myself down and get the self-pity. For me, it's more about identifying a part of myself. 

The thing about a sidekick, they are secretly awesome. For instance, Robin (Dick Grayson) eventually is as skilled as Batman (Batman does say this too). Grayson eventually does take the mantel of Batman. That's the thing, just because someone doesn't stand out or look cool, doesn't mean they aren't important.

Wallflower

It's hard not to be envious of others. I know this to be true but if I'm honest it's true of me. I struggle that I'm not the guy who is not leading this amazing life. I don't make a lot of money, I'm not running a organization, I'm not speaking words of truth to many people, and I'm sure as heck not leading a church (thanks College Degree). 

I admit, I often feel like Robin in this world. Circumstances in life, give us these false beliefs about who we are and our importance. We have a choice: we believe them or we don't.

For most of my life, I felt like I was a part of the background. There was me and the wall. I am quiet and crowds make me nervous. I also can be hard on myself. 

I think my years of baseball had a lot to play into it but I just always was hard on myself. I felt like people depended on me and if I failed, I wasn't good enough. Not to brag, but I was a gift baseball player. I just allowed lies to tell me that I wasn't good enough.

This also lead into relationship problems as well. This made me envious of others. Looking at Facebook and seeing people doing well. Hearing stories of people doing these amazing things. Also seeing the gifts God have given them and seeing my gifts seemed small.

Of course because everything is about me (not true) I internalized all this information. I wasn't traveling the world, I wasn't making my way up in a company, I wasn't changing lives. 

Social media has that way of making us feel bad about our own accomplishments. It's a good and dangerous tool. It sure makes you feel like a Robin to someone else's Batman though.

Society

Sadly not only social media can help feed into lies but society as well. Society kind of makes things seem better than other things. I mean we literally have labels for the type of work people do (white and blue collar). Typically people view one of those labels better than the other. 

It even happens in Christian circles. I'll be the first to say, those who work overseas are looked at like they are better than the person who is running a Bible Study. People who have a gift of tongues in churches look better than others who don't. Is this true? No, but people determine things in levels, rather than seeing things as equal in Christ eyes.

What you are doing is important

Paul says something that is important for people to remember. He is speaking to a church that has a poor view of spiritual gifts. He states the following: 

"Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. For we were all baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many"

-1 Corinthians 12:12-14


A lot of our lives is determined by the things we do. The gifts we have. The people we know. The fact of the matter is that we are all a part of Christ. This is what unites us. In Christ, we become a body and this is where Paul has some fun. He says the following:

" If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” that would not make it any less a part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would be the sense of hearing? If the whole body were an ear, where would be the sense of smell? But as it is, God arranged the members in the body, each one of them, as he chose. If all were a single member, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, yet one body."

-1 Corinthians 12:14-20

We are reminded of this important fact. All gifts are important in the body of Christ. Not everyone needs to have things that make them stand out. Within the church, we believe we must have something that makes us seem really spiritual or smart. Truth is, this isn't the case.

What is true is what you have to offer Christ. We need people who are gifted with encouragement, words of wisdom, or prophecy. All these are important to those in Christ. We are to use our gifts and abilities to see how Christ. We are given gifts to give the glory back to Christ!

Let me be clear: To those who feel like they get passed by; just remember, you matter and your actions will be noticed. You may feel like you can't get a break but God will make evident to you the purpose that you serve now. You are important and uniquely made for where you are now. It won't be forever, but it's still important. Even if you feel like Robin.

This is the part of the blog where I talk about Batman

The Dark Knight

I'm often seen wearing clothing that has the bat symbol on it. If I'm being honest, most of the time I don't buy it. Don't let this detour you from this point: I love the character of Batman. I remember my brother Ian and I watching the animated show after school. I remember watching the 60's show on vacation because, well it's Batman. Later on of course I was able to watch Tim Burton's Batman movies that lead into the not so good Joel Shumaucker films. 

Eventually Batman returned in the infamous Dark Knight Trilogy. Between that there was also the beautiful Arkham Video games, where you get to be Batman. If you weren't able to tell, I'm definitely into comic culture at this point, so the next step logically is to read comics.

I read (and own) many great Batman titles: Batman: Long Halloween, Batman: Hush, Batman: Prey, Batman: The Court of Owls, and lastly the classic The Dark Knight Returns. I will say this about comic books; they are an amazing form of writing and art. As someone who is a visual person, it's like reading a script as you see people performing what you are reading. It's a cool form of writing that I do feel is under appreciated because it's labeled as "childish". That is for another time but comics are really cool.

Why Batman?

It's often said about Batman that he's too popular. There is some truth to it if I'm being honest. Most people like Batman for his sheer fighting skills. I mean if anyone watched the movie Batman V Superman most people walked out talking about the warehouse scene. It's just brutal and shows that he's not some guy in a Bat costume.

I get asked by other comic book and movie fans, why Batman? I mean literally you got Superman who is all powerful, Flash who runs so fast he can literally go through time, and Martian Man-hunter who can read minds and mess with people. Why the heck would you choose someone like Batman?

Some people argue that he's a human and that's what makes him cool but I think you could argue that with a few characters. I like Batman for a couple of reasons. I love that he's a detective and uses his mind, his conviction to do what's right, and lastly how he is broken but endures on.

Great Minds!

Batman is considered the "World's Greatest Detective" in the comics. Although that is debatable, he's a very smart man. I love that factor about his character. Bruce Wayne, spent time before he became Batman to learn from great minds about how to use head. Often like I said earlier, people just think of Batman being a brute and beating people to a pulp. Batman does do this but Batman also uses his head. 

One of the greatest Batman stories shows that Batman prepares for battle because sometimes you need to be ahead of the enemy. Even if this enemy happens to be the Justice League. 

In the JLA story, Tower of Babel, Batman had plans on each member of the Justice League. Obviously he was over-confident (one of his many flaws) and someone used them against the Justice League. Now some would argue this is cruel but the rationale makes complete sense. If one of the members went rogue (which never happens...eye roll) they would be able to take them down. 

Batman also shows his minds brilliance when he takes on people like the Riddler. I mean the whole gimmick of the Riddler is to challenge Batman's mind. An example of this is in the story Hush, Batman in the end deduces that Riddler was a bigger part of Hush's plot to take Batman down. Even in the midst of the Riddler figuring out who Batman was under the mask, Batman not phased mentions that him now knowing The Riddler used the Lazarus Pit (something that heals people or brings them back from the dead) that Ra Al Ghul would send assassins after him to kill him. Batman not only figured out the main guy behind the plot against him but also now has the cards in his hand to keep his identity a secret. Batman uses his knowledge to his advantage and this is only one example. Batman's mind is pretty awesome.

No killing...

"People need dramatic examples to shake them out of apathy and I can’t do that as Bruce Wayne. As a man I’m flesh and blood, I can be ignored, I can be destroyed, but as a symbol, as a symbol I can be incorruptible. I can be everlasting."
Bruce Wayne

The "no killing" rule Batman has annoys people. I think they think it's insane that he doesn't kill people like the Joker. I mean the guy literally just kills without remorse. I mean most people would think the worlds a better place, right?!

Yet Batman holds to this standard, that justice is not won by killing, but rather by letting them go through the proper channels. Obviously people know Gotham isn't the best city in the world, so of course it's an ever revolving door. Yet in spite of this, Batman holds to this conviction.

I love that about the character. He does what he thinks is right. He doesn't get swayed by others but thinks only of what he views as right. Some would argue that beating the tar out of bad guys is kind of messed up, but he realizes killing them makes him just as bad as them.

Right or wrong. Agree or disagree. I love the fact he sticks to his guns. I think this has been helpful in my journey as a person. Even if people disagree, it's okay to think differently. Batman doesn't feel the need to defend his view, unless broken by another (because killing is wrong). For me, much of my life was spent being afraid of speaking what I thought.

I mean even just saying I read comics is something that makes me think people might think I'm a child. The thing is, I see guys writing these comics, especially Batman, and him holding to what he thinks. For me, that means the world because it makes me feel okay with being different.

It has impacted my faith. I can now hold to a view and be okay if it doesn't line up with others. To me, that changes my world. In a way, Batman was used to help me see that. I like the fact that he does what he thinks is right. It helps me see that sometimes we have to do something with conviction.

 We endure

One of the greatest quotes of Batman comes from the Nolan-verse Alfred. He says to Batman "Endure, Master Wayne. Take it. They'll hate you for it, but that's the point of Batman. He can be the outcast. He can make the choice that no one else can make, the right choice"(The Dark Knight).

This quote has always stood out to me. Batman is a character who is constantly pushing himself to go beyond his limits. His goal is to continue his mission. One might ask what is his mission? His mission is to protect Gotham and not allow crimes like what happen to him as a child. This means he has to sacrifice and endure trials.

Now I will admit, Batman has a bit of a messiah complex. I think that speaks a lot into who he is as a person. He's broken, not perfect, and human. I can relate to that extremely. That's why I needed Jesus. What I take from how Batman acts is the fact that he fights for what is good and right. He doesn't give up because things get terrible.

For example, even in the midst of a massive earthquake and his city being destroyed (check out No Man's Land), Batman pushes to get order back to the city. At first, he lost faith, but then he got back up and fought for his city. The rest of the story arc of "No Man's Land" is a journey of the Dark Knight restoring order and relationships. 

That's Batman though. He's a man who endures trial in order to hopefully see a day of peace and restoration. Batman may be flawed in his thinking but still is willing to push himself for others.

The Hero Gotham needs...

I realize as I finish this up, how much of a nerd I am but it's just my love for characters who I can relate. Batman is more than just a dude who is super jacked and could beat most people (with prep time... of course). He's a man who holds to his beliefs and acts accordingly to those beliefs.

As a Christian, it inspires me. What I believe and my actions that follow are important. I shouldn't be talking about something unless I'm willing to follow through on it. So often that is something that happens in life. I talk a good game and I end up looking dumb or as a hypocrite because I don't follow through. 

That's what makes Batman so inspiring. He's a man who holds to his convictions. He does what he believes is right, even if others don't understand. He does it because he believes he will be helping others. This is why people are inspired by Batman. He's a symbol of someone who stands up for what he believes and follows through. 

Yes he may be fictional but even a character can inspire others. So how much more can a real person actually inspire others. Batman reminds me of the importance of what I believe and that I need to allow it to seep into my actions. Who knew that Jesus could use Batman to grow in my understanding faith.