I Guess I'm Going to Hell

SO THIS IS A STORY

There are some days I think I’m going to Hell. I’m not just saying this for a reaction. I actually have moments where this crosses my mind. The rational part of me is reminded I’ve saved by God’s grace. I’m reminded that I am His child. Even though I know this,I still battle with these thoughts of doubt. If I’m being honest, it happens more than I want it to.

You see, I’ve been a Christian for a good chunk of my life. Yet God got muddied in a whirlwind of theological thoughts and voices of prominent Christian figures. I get stuck in a place of confusion and fear.

An example of this would be my first theological class. The professor was a pastor at a local church. He was a nice guy but taught things that I hadn’t known before about the Bible. I’ll be honest, I was theologically illiterate which probably means I was also illiterate in Bible. This guy would talk about things like unconditional election and limited atonement. Essentially the idea is that God has selected people not based on merit but a group of people who will receive his grace. Where limited atonement comes into play, is that even though Christ's sacrifice was sufficient for all, it’s only the elect whom get salvation.

Now at first glance, it doesn’t seem so bad; but in my mind, I’m asking the question am I part of the elect? How does one know you’re elected? It didn’t help that people would say by ones works. I mean, what the heck does that mean right? I’m saved by grace alone but my work will also be a factor. Which lead into questions of, am I doing the right works? Am I evangelizing enough? You can see where some fear may come into the equation.

So I was living with the fear of God and really discouraged because in no way was I a good Christian. I was making mistakes. I’m still making mistakes. I lust, I worship other gods (materialism), I swear probably over the limit you should. This is me. I don’t feel elected. If anything, most days I feel pretty dirty and rotten.

Now I’m not taking shots at any great theologians. I will say that I probably disagree. I might be wrong but I think that’s for God to correct. I do pray that I get clarity and my heart is in the right place. I sit in that place and I’m okay with it.

Yet in my soul, I know I’m secure. I know that I love Jesus and He loves me. I know that I’m in need of a savior. I know that I long to just be a dog at the Lord’s table getting the crumbs. If crumbs are all I get then I will eat and be satisfied in the Lord. This feeling is what makes me feel comfortable to talk about the injustices and be honest about my walk.

I remember reading a post on Facebook about a very progressive faith figure passing. Now the initial post was really great but a comment that followed that haunts me. This person wrote a comment stating “It’s always a great tragedy when you see time run out for a false teacher to repent”.Then someone said that this might not be the time and the person justified themselves saying it helps with how we grieve that person’s death. This made me sick. I have it saved in my phone to remind myself that I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to pass judgement but rather mourn the life of someone lost. I want to love and not be so stuck in my ways that I forget that this was a living breathing person who had a family, goals, and love for Jesus.

This is the stuff that scares me. The pride of our own knowledge, the abuses of power, and the lack of authenticity. This is not the way it should be. We should be people who are willing to listen, ask questions, and in the end whether we agree or disagree, love one another because we serve a God bigger than us.

I’ve always been so afraid to speak about my own thoughts because I’m afraid of what will happen. I’m afraid people will condemn me. I have a fear that someone might even say that I am not truly a follower of Christ.

My world has been turned upside down because I started thinking for myself. I stopped allowing what others said influence me and really examine ideas. I also cut through the facades we place on ourselves and embraced the fact that it’s okay to be in the process of being built up. I’m okay with not being sure about certain ideas in the faith that I’ve been told are right for the last 30 years. I’m embracing my doubts and allow God to teach me. I’m embracing this journey of life and asking questions while I go.

So why am I writing all this about faith. It’s to address the fact that I struggle deeply with my faith. It’s not an easy journey for me. I use to think it was when my parents told me that the most important thing was giving my life to Christ. I did that and I followed Christ the way I thought was right. This meant loving others and respecting people. Then things got complicated.

This doesn’t mean I’ve given up on Jesus. This means I’m embracing the way God made me. This means loving the body, mind, and spirit Christ has created. I hold onto the fact that God will reveal those things that aren’t of Him in me. Until He speaks into those things, I will walk in a place of peace, understanding, and love for others. I will embrace the different and allow God to work in the midst. This may still include my battle with feeling like I may go to Hell but at least I know God will walk with me to combat these thoughts.