Hard to Admit

Time to be honest

Sometimes I think it’s easier to not believe in God than to believe in God. I say this because there is an expectation that comes to your life once you start believing in a deity. I am a Christian and some days I find it frustrating and troubling. I can only speak for Christianity but I think others may have similar thoughts in other religions.

I struggle deeply with my faith because in my mind there begins a battle of belief systems. There is the strongly conservative side, that seemingly makes things much more black and white. That they follow the Bible to the very last letter. Then there is the liberal side that takes it to a place, where it’s love all things and the definition of sin is very different. I think I stand somewhere in the middle of these two points.

This makes you feel a bit like an outcast at times. I grew up with the understanding of my need for Jesus. I learned that Jesus loved me. I learned that Jesus saved me. I learned from my parents it wasn’t about church or doing these huge things but doing what Christ would do for others. That’s how I lived 18 years of my life.

Then I decided I wanted to go to school to get into ministry. I learned about the Bible. I learned about theology. I learned that a lot of my thoughts about things were wrong according to my professors.

My belief on women in ministry, my understanding of who God is, and my understanding of free will, weren’t correct. I learned that works were a part of faith and without them, they would show that my faith wasn’t truly there. This is a very discouraging thing. I questioned if I was really saved most of my college years. If I messed up, I kind of got worried that I wasn’t one of the “chosen” by God.

That messes up someone's mind. It drove a wedge between God and I for sure. I think I was able to recover when I did my internship at a church. I remember talking about a theological issue and I remember the pastor kind of saying, does it really matter as long as you love people well.

I believe that’s why I still hold that church close to my heart. It gave me hope that God still loved me and the people there were a good reminder of it. Of course eventually I would graduate and move onto other things. Over the course of the last 8 years, I’ve battled a lot with faith and who God is.

Now I’ve always tried to be authentic in talking about different ideas. I hold to honesty as important because I want people to be able to talk and not be fearful. When I mentioned earlier that some days it is easier to not believe in God than to believe in Him, I meant it.

I say this because there are a lot of days I wrestle with anxiety of not being a good follower of Christ. I get worried that I will be told by Christ, that he doesn’t know me. If I’m being honest, that’s a really terrible feeling.

Part of this is due to not feeling like I fit into Christian culture. I feel awkward at most churches. Now to put a disclaimer, I’m not saying all churches, but most make me feel awkward. I think part of it is due to people always acting like they got it together. It’s also because whenever I talk to a leader in the church, it’s like they are assessing me to see what value I can bring to the church. That’s probably why people go to big churches, you have a better chance to hide and get your bearings.

Like I said, this is me speaking from my experience and I don’t believe all churches are like this but I do think that there is truth in what I’m saying. I also struggle with people, especially church/ministry leaders. I’ve heard a lot of horror stories. Growing up in church, and knowing many people in churches, it’s scary. Leaders have inappropriate relationships, power struggles, you name it. Yet, as a church we try to sweep it under the rug rather than talk about it.

My main frustration is that leadership needs accountability but also the ability to apologize and accept consequences. I knew a pastor that literally had a relationship with a married woman and he eventually got another job within a Christian field. It’s frustrating.

I also get quite scared when people in a church or christian organization praise their leaders. I remember sitting through a chapel once, where this lady went on and on about their pastor. How amazing and strong in the word. It’s concerning because the pastor really shouldn’t be the focus but rather what Jesus is doing through that person. This person was more fixated on the leader than the person who gave the gifting.

There are many other frustrations I could express about the Christian faith. I mean to list a few, there are taking verses out of context to fit someone's narrative, modern worship songs, and the correlation of Republican and Christian. There are a lot of things I wrestle with in my head and heart.

You see, I get distracted by all the noise. I’ll be the first to admit this to be true. I watch things around me through interactions via social media or in daily life, and I question my own self. The reason I question myself is because I am a part of this problem as well.

For instance, the whole issue with some people saying black lives matter seemed funny to me. A lot of Christians were pushing back on this and fighting the reasoning because all lives matter. The fact is that most people know all lives matter but why black lives matter was being said was due to the issues of oppression they were fielding at this time.

It didn’t mean all people didn’t matter but rather that we are standing with oppressed individuals because as someone who follows Jesus, we should. We should stand with and listen to oppression. Then we should do something because we are light in this world. Maybe that seems simple but to me, it seems right. I don’t understand this situation but I can learn and walk alongside my brothers and sisters.

I may be off base in some of what I’m saying but I’m putting it out there. I’m tired of feeling trouble with these words in my soul. They weigh me down. I love Jesus and I want to continue my love towards Jesus. I want to fix my eyes on what is good and right. I want to let go of bitterness. This is a part of that journey. I want to be honest in where I am.

As a christian, I need to come before Jesus and just lay at his feet. I don’t need to come when I am in a good place, I need to come as I am. We as the church need to be better. We need to step up. We need to not put pressure on people to get it right. We need to walk alongside one another and try to understand. We need to build authentic relationships. Where we don’t have to feel scared as hell because we have some skeletons in our closet.

I’m not calling for zero accountability but rather an understanding that we need to be patient and understanding. We need to stop rushing to get our opinions out and just try to love even when we aren’t fully sure of how to. I am someone who can say that I got a lot of stuff that I can’t carry. I need to lay it before Jesus. I need help and others as well in this process.

I need to be better. I want to be better. I want to reflect Christ and hopefully love people well. I say this all because I just needed to let it out. If I’m wrong, well I guess I’m wrong but I feel a whole lot better.