Valley of the COVID-19

“Fear is only as deep as the mind allows.”

— Japanese Proverb

Truth is...

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have some fears of the Covid-19. In this current time, our world seems out of control. This is ironic because the government is trying to control the situation by telling people to stay home, closing down businesses, etc. Within this time, fear breeds below the surface of people.

Think about it, the government fears what it will cost to keep people safe. On a smaller scale, people are hoarding toilet paper and not leaving their homes due to the virus. These are times where it makes you think, where is God?

On a personal level, there is fear in myself for my family and others. For those who don’t know, I work at a local Rescue Mission, and we work with a lot of people. The reality is as an organization, we are doing everything possible to help with the spread of the virus. Yet, we have to accept that there are factors we can’t control. I worry about how I could pass it on to others I come in contact with daily. Which includes my kids and wife.

In a weird way, I feel a weight on my shoulders, and it leads me to be a bit fearful. I’ve read about this virus and about the dangers of it. I realize that it’s not a joke. I’ve literally washed my hands/sanitized so much my hands are red.

This leads me back to the question I posed earlier: where is God in the midst of this virus? It’s a question that I’m wrestling with as we continue in this journey of Covid-19. Some people argue that this is God’s judgement on the world for turning their backs on Jesus. Some people on the other end would ask the question: why would God allow this to happen? I’m sure there are other thoughts people are having but I would say these are the extremes.

The Valley...

 I think about the doctors and the sacrifices they make. I think of the people who lost loved ones. I think of my kids and how much I love them and wouldn’t want anything to happen to them. I think about how can I show Jesus in the midst of a trying time. 

I looked into this idea of fear and Psalm 23 came up as I was looking for some answers. It’s a Psalm that David wrote describing the Lord's relationship with us as a shepherd caring for his sheep. Here is the whole Psalm:

1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.

3 He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me; in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me;all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.


Now this is very different from most of David’s psalms. For one, he’s not making a plea to the Lord. When you read most of his Psalms, he usually talks about people surrounding him, or being attacked from all sides, you know what most emo bands write about in their songs (sorry I had to). This one he is focused on who God is to us.

David describes God as a shepherd. David was once a shepherd himself, so this picture is easy for him to express his understanding of who God is to the readers. David is writing God as the shepherd and him and God's people as the sheep.

Now, if I’m being honest, being called a sheep is kind of messed up. Sheep aren’t the brightest bunch of animals. They often wander off and get themselves hurt and even killed. Sheep are nothing like Shaun the Sheep portrays them to be. The funny thing is when I think about being a sheep, I can relate to the idea of walking away and getting lost. I may not get killed but I do get myself hurt. It’s when God pulls me back and has my eyes open, that I can see where I need to be going.

So how does this relate to COVID-19. In a time like this, why does David’s words give me comfort? I think this stems mostly in the idea of verse 4 where David writes; “ Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me”. In the midst of even the shadow of death, David says that Lord’s staff and rod are there to comfort him.

Now this is interesting because I wanted to understand the importance of the rod and staff. I gained some insight from the website Neverthirsty.org. The author gave the original language for both of these words which is Sebet (rod) and mishnea (staff). Sebet is typically talking about a stick that is used to count as well as protect sheep from various animal attacks (neverthirsty.org). Mishnea is the idea of support or to trust (neverthirsty.org).

This gives us a picture of a God who is not only supporting us but protecting us as well. This knowledge can also be gained from earlier verses by seeing that he leads us to green pastures and still water (Ps. 23:2). He’s giving us a place to rest that is peaceful while he is watching over us. This is the same God that told the disciples when he gave them the great commission that he’d be with them always (Matthew 28:20)

Where we going to go from here?

Like I said, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit worried. I’d be lying to say that I don’t fear for my family and community. Yet, I lean into the fact that Jesus is with us at this time. He hasn’t left us alone. God is still hearing our prayers, he’s still sitting in the grief people feel, and He is still working in the midst of our grief.

I don’t expect this to make anyone feel better. It’s hard for us to understand God when we see the death toll and economic toll. I just know for myself, it helps me hold onto hope in a time that I feel out of control. It reminds me that I am only a man. Due to this, I hold onto the hope that Jesus is who he says he is, and cling to it.

There is more peace in my heart knowing that he is watching over us. That he didn’t abandon us to this virus. Some might argue that he should intervene. I’d say He has probably in ways we can understand.

In beautiful ways, I’ve seen humanity show some beauty in the midst of these times. I’ve seen people helping others out get groceries and such. I’ve seen people give gifts to help with kids being home. Maybe there is some beauty in the simplicity that we miss a lot of the grief and fear.

Life doesn’t always make sense but I find comfort in this season that God is with us. Maybe that’s the hope we need in this time, to remember we were never alone.

Leaning on the Everlasting Lord (what it really looks like)

If I'm being honest...

When I was a kid, I used to get very anxious. For instance, before I gave a speech in class, I’d literally spend all my days dreading it. I’d literally do all this stuff beforehand to distract myself from thinking about the speech, but in the end I knew I’d have to do it. This would lead to me not being able to see past that day. It was as if the world would end that day because I couldn't see beyond that day.

I used to have a lot of fear towards the unknowns. I was afraid to make mistakes. I was afraid to take risks. Then my anxiety would manifest itself physically. I literally would have stomach issues ranging from pain to using the bathroom a lot. I’ll be honest, still to this day it shows up. I can get myself worked up about a situation that hasn’t even happened.

Honestly, that’s no way to live life. I can say, it’s gotten better, but I’m still not where I want to be. It’s hard having days where I feel completely overwhelmed. I notice it normally happens when I’m pulled out of my comfort zone. I get that feeling in my stomach and all I can do is pray and hope that peace fills my heart.

Sometimes I Feel...

I’ll be honest, I don’t like living in that head-space. It can lead me to look for ways to avoid dealing with my anxiety. I usually get into self-pity talk while I avoid what's truly bothering me. My attitude will be one that seems solemn rather than finding joy in other parts of life. Having a family, that can be hard on them and it's not necessarily fair to them.

I’ve never been diagnosed with anything. I may have something or I may not. Like I said, it was worse when I was a kid. As I’ve gotten older, I think there is a confidence in understanding myself and a belief that God is with me that helps most days. It doesn’t mean that I don’t experience these feelings and emotions anymore but I experience them less than when I was a kid.

Sometimes I feel like I’m overpowered by this feeling. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed like I can't handle life. Sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me.  Sometimes I feel alone. I look at others and I see them handling situations with great courage and poise and I think am I the only one who feels and thinks like this?

I believe a lot of feelings come from my self-esteem and my ability to want to do things right (or perfect). Even in my faith, I get anxious because I’m not like Paul, David, or even some people at my church. I think there is something messed up with me because I don’t connect with worship songs or I don’t believe something my friends believe and they seem to be right. There are still days, I think I’m going to Hell, because I don’t pray enough or evangelize. As if salvation was earned by something I do.

Knowing Jesus helps but it doesn’t take away those feelings. That can make me feel guilty. Like I don't have enough faith in Jesus. Yet I hold on dearly to my faith in Jesus. I do believe he’s with me. I pray and sit in the midst of my anxieties with Jesus. Jesus does give peace. Not instantly but he does give me peace over time. Trusting in Jesus to bring peace is a choice I must make daily. I have to believe He is all I need and sit in that truth.

Jesus in the midst

I know some people who believe in Jesus think you shouldn’t feel this way. That if you truly believe in Jesus, you don't doubt or feel as anxious. I disagree. I think Jesus has allowed me to experience this to lean more into Him. It’s a struggle I must deal with while I’m on this earth. I hope one day I won’t experience it but it may not happen. I just trust the fact that Jesus is with me in the midst of my anxieties. That's the part of faith I understand, it’s a trust even in the midst of not seeing clearly.

I’m not perfect. I still get myself worked up. I still don’t always see things the way I should. I still choose things to settle my anxieties that aren't healthy. Yet I know this truth. I know that Jesus is with me and I must lean on my everlasting Lord. For when I am tired, He is my strength! It's not easy and not a quick fix but it's progress for me.

Insert Gritty Title Here

Beauty in the struggle 

In 2011, a movie called Warrior, came out starring Tom Hardy (who played Bane in TDKR) and Tom Egerton (The Great Gatsby). The story is about two brothers and their father. The family is estranged with the brothers both having their own personal issues. The story leads them both to get back into MMA fighting.

Now this is a spoiler, if you want to watch the movie, don’t read the rest of what I will write. You've been warned! Although you've had 9 years to watch it...


Now the brothers face one another at the end, to fight for the prize and title. The fight is intense because it’s not all about winning at this point in the film. There is more going on between these brothers. They trade punches, but it’s the years of struggle building up to this moment.

While the brothers are fighting, the oldest named Brendan (Egerton) dislocates his brother Tommy’s arm (Hardy). You’d think he’d submit, but that’s not the case. Tommy continues to fight. Brendan tries to tell him to stop but Tommy’s anger, disappointment, and rage keeps him going. Eventually Brendan starts wailing on him and it leads to this beautiful scene (Posted above).


The final round starts with beautiful music played by none other than The National. Brendan looks out in the crowd and sees his father, he nods, and Brendan knows what he needs to do. Tommy who is currently in an emotional and physical crisis, keeps on a strong face. Brendan then literally kicks him in the head and puts Tommy on the ground. Now this is where the real beauty happens. While putting Tommy in a choke-hold, Brendan apologizes to his brother. He apologizes and eventually tells Tommy, he loves him. He also tells him to tap.


Tommy taps and then the stadium erupts with cheers but Brendan's focus is on Tommy. He shoos away cameras and people and holds his brother. He then walks out of the stadium with his arm on his brother. Then the movie ends.


Now I didn’t do justice for the movie or this scene. That's why I posted it above. Most people probably think it’s weird that I found beauty in a MMA fight scene but that’s what good movies do. They can make you feel something even in weird moments.

GRIT

Now why do I describe this scene at all? I was thinking about a sermon series that we started in our church. The sermon series is called “Grit”. The series is about having perseverance and passion to move forward even when you feel defeated. The question I asked myself while listening to the first part of that series, is where does grit begin?


As I was thinking about it, my mind thought about this movie “Warrior” because it reveals something that I believe to be the beginning of grit. Grit, in my mind begins, when there is submission. That might seem like a weird statement. I agree, submission isn’t typically paired with Grit. Actually it’s almost the opposite if we are talking about perseverance.

Remember the description (or watching) that was given above about this scene from a movie. During the fight, Brendan has Tommy in a headlock and he’s apologizing and expressing his love towards his brother. It’s in this struggle, where when Tommy finally gives in that he is lifted up by his brother and able to find freedom.


Due to who I am, my mind then goes to the Bible, to a book called Genesis. There is an account about a man named Jacob. Now Jacob, to give context, was the son of Issac and he had a brother named Esau. Jacob and Esau don’t have the best relationship. Since the beginning, Jacob was always a fighter. During the birth he was grasping the heel of his brother Esau upon being born. Later on Esau gives up his birthright for some stew and then loses his father’s blessing because Jacob tricked Isaac. It's clear why these brothers' might not be on the best of terms.


As the narrative progresses, we see that Jacob eventually flees because he fears his brother and goes on to marry two wives, has twelve kids, and he is blessed by God even if he doesn't see it. During this time of building a family, he's dealing a family member named Laban. Jacob believes he's doing him dirty, so he tries to leave without Laban knowing. Of course, it doesn't work and they work through some things and make covenant, which then leads us to the main part of the narrative that I believe shows submission.

This is the part they fight...

This is an odd narrative because Jacob sends stuff to his brother Esau hoping to curve his anger. He also sends his family away and possessions. Now Jacob is alone. Jacob being alone is interesting, because if he fears his brother, you’d think he’d want protection.


The next thing we read is that while Jacob's alone and a “man” shows up and they wrestle till daybreak. During this fight, Jacob has the “man” pinned. The man then just touches his hip and dislocates that hip joint. All this is interesting. I mean I don’t know about you but I have so many questions. Why were they wrestling? Is this more figurative than real? Why was Jacob still able to pin this guy after having his hip messed with?

All this culminated to the peak of this narrative when the “man” sees that he cannot escape the grasp of Jacob. Jacob, while probably in pain, is fighting this battle because he realizes something special about this person. Jacob then says that he won’t let him go until this “man” blesses him. This man then asks his name; to which Jacob gives his name. This mysterious guest then renames him Israel because he struggled with God and man and had overcome.

Then Jacob asked this person what his name was to which the person said “why” and blessed him. Then Jacob names the place where he wrestled, Peniel, which means seeing God face to face (https://www.biblestudytools.com/dictionary/peniel/). Jacob says that he saw God face to face and his life was spared.


This is a very fascinating account in the Bible. There is lots to unpack, but my main point is submission. In this story, submission is interesting. It’s not what most people think when they hear the word. I mean, wasn’t it Jacob, that had this “man” or God pinned. Yes that is true but it was Jacob that noticed that this match was more for his soul.

When Jacob asked for the blessing, he realized this was no ordinary stranger. Jacob knew that he needed what this person had for him. He knew that this man could give him what he needs. I think due to what he says later in the narrative, he realized he was literally fighting with God. In my mind, Jacob was probably tired of fighting.

Think of it this way. Jacob was working in his own strength. Jacob had used his own strength to get the birthright and blessing from his brother. Jacob then had to work 14 years for the woman he loved. He had all the riches and was blessed abundantly with children. 

These things, although from God, Jacob never understood fully.
It wasn’t until he had been in this wrestling match, that he realized that his own strength wasn’t enough. I mean the “man” he wrestled touched his leg and it was messed up. 

Jacob could keep fighting in his own strength or give into something better. Jacob ends the battle by asking for the blessing. He knows he needs it. I think it’s amazing because his name change says it all about Jacob. He’s always fought whether with God or man. He then prevailed.

That last part always stands out to me. He prevailed. That was the moment when Jacob understood, He needed God. He needed to give in. He needed to not depend on his own strength but that which God gives. Although, it would still be cool if he did pin God or an angel of God (whichever you believe).

In the end, Jacob (now Israel) meets with Esau, and Esau was excited to see him. It ends in a way where the brothers both honor one another. God gave Jacob the push to trust that all would be well.

So what's the point?

So what does this have to do with Grit? Well, everything. We as Christians do need to struggle with God. We have to wrestle with questions, scripture, and prayer (convos w/God). In this struggle, we are able to build the spirit to keep pushing. Letting go and trusting that Jesus is all we need, in order to take the punches of the world.

We can kick, scream, and fight to the bitter end. We will find ourselves on a sinking ship. It’s in the moment, we give up and allow Jesus to take charge, and we can embrace the unknown in peace. He can change us. It doesn’t need to be our name but it can be how we carry ourselves. It can be in the way we serve others. It could be being honest about our struggles and addictions.

Letting go, is the beginning of grit. When Jesus comes into our lives, we are able to walk knowing that we have someone who is with us (Matthew 28:20). This doesn’t mean we will always be peachy and not doubt, but it gives us a context to refocus our hearts.

Submission isn’t a bad thing. It can be scary. Yet, in a place of humble submission, we can finally open our eyes to the One who doesn’t focus on our faults, but has prepared a place at the table for us. He is the restorer of our souls. How can we become strong, unless we become weak? Jesus gives us strength but we must let go first. We sometimes need to tap and allow God to build us up in his image.

Voices

Because I felt like I needed to write...

More recently I’ve noticed that I have a constant battle inside my mind. I wrestle with the idea of what is right. It’s always been important to know what is the right thing to do. I hold myself to a standard that I believe is healthy. I strive to do what I understand is right for others as I would hope they would for me. It goes along the lines of love your neighbor as yourself. It’s what that looks like that is really the challenge.

You see, being a Christian, I do strive to follow scripture. I think the words in the Bible are true. I think that we should follow them. Yet, I don’t necessarily always agree with how people see ideas in scripture. I also don’t agree with how people choose to use the Bible to get what they want.

In our current political environmen, people have made me question if Jesus is the center of the faith. I’m not joking either. I mean I’ve read some of the things people post on social media. You have people in support of Trump acting as if he’s the second coming of Christ and on the other side you have people high- roading those Trump voters saying that they can't be Christian and in support of Trump. The sad part is when people try to use Jesus to guilt people on either side. It’s not that they care about Jesus but rather they really want what they want.

Like I said, it’s hard to wrestle with what is right and wrong. Some people say that scripture lays things out pretty clearly. I don’t think that’s the case all the time. I think we still have issues that pop up about race, gender, etc. Most of the time, it’s kind of open to our interpretation of scripture. You got those who hold strongly to Biblical literal-ism and those who interpret a bit more through the lens of the culture. Neither are wrong ways to do things, but people make it a bigger deal.

I remember when I used to feel like I couldn’t think clearly. Within both my faith and in society, I’ve battled with what it means to be a Christian. Truthfully I’ve been disappointed with being someone with the label Christian. It seems harsh but I hold Christianity to a high standard because I truly believe in what Jesus was about.

This is your brain on....

Currently I’m in the epicenter of what can only be described as Bible belt of Pennsylvania. This would be Lancaster County. We have a lot of different types of churches and even groups of faiths. It’s not unusual to turn a corner and see a church. Also people are really well-versed in the Bible. I mean they can quote scripture left and right. Now applying it would be a different story. 

Lancaster County is a great place but the context has given me new eyes on life. I’ve interacted with people and wrestled with beliefs due to it. For instance, I’ve heard people say things such as: God doesn’t work like that or My relationship is better because of this or that (examples are numerous). When I hear these things, it’s not normally just an opinion, it’s truth to that person. It's also indicating this person has a better relationship with God.

A better example of this is when people talk about worship music. Now I don’t connect with most worship music. I’m just being honest for the sake of authenticity. Someone said that the devil won’t come close if there is worship music on. Now to an extent, I agree. I also believe that when you are in worship and connecting with God, that keeps Satan from taking advantage of us. Worship music doesn’t do anything unless it’s focusing our mind on Jesus Christ.

You see, worship music isn’t anything special. People are now treating it like regular music in which people just listen to it. What’s special is how you use the gift of song to impact your worship of God. I’ve listened to As Cities Burn and connected with God because I can worship God within that music. It doesn’t matter if they aren’t a “worship” band but rather God uses art to connect with us in worship.

I also use to wrestle with understanding addiction. I’ve had my own issues and the importance of prayer within those battles is significant. I also have understood the importance of mental health treatments alongside prayer. I don’t know how many times I've overheard people just saying you need Jesus in order to be healed. Now I think it’s a part of a healing journey but we also need to get other forms of help. Some people can cold turkey stuff but most people can't. It’s okay to have a prayer team and a counselor. You are not wrong if Jesus doesn’t just heal you.

I’ve been a Christian for over 10 years and I finally feel like I’m starting to understand life a bit more. I’m starting to not get caught up in a theological battle in my head anymore. I’m not trying to figure out if Calvin or Augustine was right about some differing theological point. I’m looking at a person or group of people and taking time to discern what the Lord has on my heart for them.

Do I always use scripture? Most of the time, it’s the basis of my understanding of God. Do I allow the Holy Spirit to reveal to me the truth? I’m embracing the Holy Spirit and that sometimes it’s not going to lead me in scripture but through conviction of the heart.

I’ve been asked, do you think you are right in your thinking about life and God. I’d probably say no. I’m probably wrong and have even leads people astray. I do have to stand before God but I also believe that grace can be given in the midst of it. Does this mean I don’t care about leading others astray? Absolutely not. I don’t speak often because I want to make sure that I speak wisely. It’s important to me not to speak unless I truly feel convicted.

I’m currently on the journey to stop trying to feel like I have to be 100% right at all times. The truth is, I just want to keep learning. I want to keep discovering God through scripture and others. I will strive to follow Christ and hopefully do it right. Life isn’t about fearing Hell but finding God in the midst of our life.

Playing with Fire

THIS IS MY BRAIN

My mind is constantly in battle. I’m searching for answers to questions that aren’t very easy to answer. Most of the time these things end up being conversations I have in my head with God. God is always gracious in walking through these ideas with me too. I’ve never had a bad conversation or at least I think.

You see, how I view God is important to me. It’s the utmost importance because I want to do what’s right. I believe in trying my best to do what I think is the right thing. I’m sure there is a deeper issue in their but if I’m being honest, it’s because I want people to see Christ. 

I don’t get why people don’t love Jesus. I know some (not all) people look at Christianity and see a bunch of hypocritical, homophobic, chauvinistic people. In a way, I do agree that there definitely are those tendencies in the church and they aren’t good.

The thing I see is people focusing too much on people. The Bible clearly shows imperfect people and our need for a savior. I know people don’t always show this part of them but if I’m being honest, I’m definitely in need of a savior. It’s not that I’m a horrible person by human standards, but I know I fall short.

I do believe that I am a sinner in need of grace. It’s really easy to see that in my life. I give the finger to the guy who cuts me off, I’ve looked at inappropriate things, and I’ve of course went after other idols other than God. The beautiful thing is Jesus Christ.

Jesus came to save us from that sinful nature. All he wants us to acknowledge our sin and believe and have a relationship. I love it. I am able to admit that I’m not perfect and I screw up. He wants me to let go of this persona I created to protect myself and accept that I’m in need. Then he wants to be in relationship with me. He wants to guide and trust Him. It’s beautiful.

Hit Harder

The thing with life though, is life hits hard. We see people for what they are, we see power being abused, and we see how random circumstances can affect people whether good or bad. It makes you wonder about life. It makes you wonder. It makes you question. Is this really what life needs to be?

I’d be lying to say I never questioned God. I question his existence, I question his goodness, and I’ve question even my own purpose of being on the earth. I use to fear these questions. Doubt was always frowned upon in Christian circles. Everyone points to the scripture in the gospels of Thomas. The church even gave him the name “Doubting Thomas”.

The first setting where I started being able to believe it was okay to express these thoughts was through music. The first album that really hit this home was As Cities Burns album “Come Now Sleep”. It had themes of suicide, doubt, fear, etc. It made me not feel alone in a time where I was still figuring things out. I believe Jesus lead me to music in order to find more of Him.

Music was a safe haven. It wasn’t always doubts but even some good things about Jesus. The music community was also a very homey community. In a way, it was a church to me. We did live life together. We laughed, cried, prayed, and of course made music. I look back and I’m grateful for the gift that it was to my life.

As I got older though questions still come and go. This hit me the hardest when I lost my job. I saw the injustices being done in a company and I was the one who got burned. For the first time in my life, the book of Ecclesiastes made a lot more sense. That life is random sometimes and bad things can happen even when you are doing good. During this time, I started to deconstruct my understanding of the world. 

I want to be clear, I’m a Christian. I’ve just changed some of my ideas of church and how I deal with people. I would say, my life is much more gray than black and white. I’m not as defensive towards others who think differently than me. I want people to know Jesus but I don’t feel the burden of their soul on myself. Now to be clear, this doesn’t mean I don’t care, rather I allow a person and the Holy Spirit to work. I just don’t allow myself to bear the weight of their world. Maybe that’s wrong but I know the Lord will work on my heart if that’s the case. 

I use to get scared about my thoughts. I used to be afraid that I’d be alone. I used to be afraid I go to Hell. Now I do see things brighter. I am hopeful. I still have my moments of fear. I still have moments of being stressed out. I’d be lying if I didn’t have my moments of discouragement. The thing is though, I see God in less of a fearful light and more as one who loves.

I Guess I'm Going to Hell

SO THIS IS A STORY

There are some days I think I’m going to Hell. I’m not just saying this for a reaction. I actually have moments where this crosses my mind. The rational part of me is reminded I’ve saved by God’s grace. I’m reminded that I am His child. Even though I know this,I still battle with these thoughts of doubt. If I’m being honest, it happens more than I want it to.

You see, I’ve been a Christian for a good chunk of my life. Yet God got muddied in a whirlwind of theological thoughts and voices of prominent Christian figures. I get stuck in a place of confusion and fear.

An example of this would be my first theological class. The professor was a pastor at a local church. He was a nice guy but taught things that I hadn’t known before about the Bible. I’ll be honest, I was theologically illiterate which probably means I was also illiterate in Bible. This guy would talk about things like unconditional election and limited atonement. Essentially the idea is that God has selected people not based on merit but a group of people who will receive his grace. Where limited atonement comes into play, is that even though Christ's sacrifice was sufficient for all, it’s only the elect whom get salvation.

Now at first glance, it doesn’t seem so bad; but in my mind, I’m asking the question am I part of the elect? How does one know you’re elected? It didn’t help that people would say by ones works. I mean, what the heck does that mean right? I’m saved by grace alone but my work will also be a factor. Which lead into questions of, am I doing the right works? Am I evangelizing enough? You can see where some fear may come into the equation.

So I was living with the fear of God and really discouraged because in no way was I a good Christian. I was making mistakes. I’m still making mistakes. I lust, I worship other gods (materialism), I swear probably over the limit you should. This is me. I don’t feel elected. If anything, most days I feel pretty dirty and rotten.

Now I’m not taking shots at any great theologians. I will say that I probably disagree. I might be wrong but I think that’s for God to correct. I do pray that I get clarity and my heart is in the right place. I sit in that place and I’m okay with it.

Yet in my soul, I know I’m secure. I know that I love Jesus and He loves me. I know that I’m in need of a savior. I know that I long to just be a dog at the Lord’s table getting the crumbs. If crumbs are all I get then I will eat and be satisfied in the Lord. This feeling is what makes me feel comfortable to talk about the injustices and be honest about my walk.

I remember reading a post on Facebook about a very progressive faith figure passing. Now the initial post was really great but a comment that followed that haunts me. This person wrote a comment stating “It’s always a great tragedy when you see time run out for a false teacher to repent”.Then someone said that this might not be the time and the person justified themselves saying it helps with how we grieve that person’s death. This made me sick. I have it saved in my phone to remind myself that I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to pass judgement but rather mourn the life of someone lost. I want to love and not be so stuck in my ways that I forget that this was a living breathing person who had a family, goals, and love for Jesus.

This is the stuff that scares me. The pride of our own knowledge, the abuses of power, and the lack of authenticity. This is not the way it should be. We should be people who are willing to listen, ask questions, and in the end whether we agree or disagree, love one another because we serve a God bigger than us.

I’ve always been so afraid to speak about my own thoughts because I’m afraid of what will happen. I’m afraid people will condemn me. I have a fear that someone might even say that I am not truly a follower of Christ.

My world has been turned upside down because I started thinking for myself. I stopped allowing what others said influence me and really examine ideas. I also cut through the facades we place on ourselves and embraced the fact that it’s okay to be in the process of being built up. I’m okay with not being sure about certain ideas in the faith that I’ve been told are right for the last 30 years. I’m embracing my doubts and allow God to teach me. I’m embracing this journey of life and asking questions while I go.

So why am I writing all this about faith. It’s to address the fact that I struggle deeply with my faith. It’s not an easy journey for me. I use to think it was when my parents told me that the most important thing was giving my life to Christ. I did that and I followed Christ the way I thought was right. This meant loving others and respecting people. Then things got complicated.

This doesn’t mean I’ve given up on Jesus. This means I’m embracing the way God made me. This means loving the body, mind, and spirit Christ has created. I hold onto the fact that God will reveal those things that aren’t of Him in me. Until He speaks into those things, I will walk in a place of peace, understanding, and love for others. I will embrace the different and allow God to work in the midst. This may still include my battle with feeling like I may go to Hell but at least I know God will walk with me to combat these thoughts.

Speaking a Different Language

My emotions, MY EMOTIONS

It’s often I find myself lacking words to express myself. I’m not very expressive to begin with: just ask my wife. It’s not that I don’t understand what I’m feeling. It’s more I don’t know how to express it so others can understand. I’m good at understanding others but understanding myself, sometimes is a bit harder.

Hippy days

That’s where music comes in. Music has been a way I connect. It expresses some times what my words cannot. It allows me to feel and understand.

 For example, there is a song called “Not Done With You Yet” by the Classic Crime. It’s really a simple song but expresses so much to me. One line always stands out to me in this song when the writer says “so I asked God if he could fix my flaws. And he said I gave them to you.I know they are killing you. But I'm not done with you yet”.
Now as someone who study Bible in school for 4 years, I find this song helped me understand God’s love better than reading verses in the Bible. This is not to say that I don’t connect with scripture but rather that, sometimes the Holy Spirit uses a song to really understand God’s love.

The best way to describe my relationship with music, is a language I understand. This isn’t just in the listening to music but even playing. I’ve played guitar for over 10 years now (still have lots of room to improve), and it’s one of the ways I feel I can best express myself. I believe this is the time that God and I connect on a different level. It’s hard to explain but let me try.

The Bat-cave: How God Works in Melodies

When I play guitar, it’s a moment of peace. It sounds weird but even with my son around, I still find peace in it. It’s almost like meeting with a close friend that even after spending years apart, you just connect like no time passed at all. You can rehash memories and even tell stories of new things happening in life. There are moments the music you play can give complete joy to moments that leave you with tears.

This is not to say that it’s necessarily beautiful to others but it matters to you. It’s because in that moment, playing chords, scales, or harmonics, it’s the voice that is expressing what you are thinking and feeling. I believe that for me to be God speaking to me reminding me, that He isn’t done with me. In those moments, God starts speaking to me in a voice that is calming and beautiful.

By no means am I a great musician or have a great ear for music but I connect with it. You don’t always need singing either. There are times I listen to Saxon Shore song and it just hits home. Since I’m a visual learner too, it helps with a video playing alongside music. It helps me understand what the music is doing inside of my heart.

The Future and the Importance of Shredding

Now I suppose my description may sounds a bit weird. I mean reading over it, it does a sound a bit strange. Yet I know in my heart, the gift of music has saved my life. I remember my brother introducing me to good music that helped me in my faith. I remember writing music with my friends in a band, which gave me a community of brothers who prayed, encouraged, and loved me. It also introduced me to a world of people who understood some of the thoughts I had especially the ones that I dealt with in Christianity. 

I’m very thankful that I was introduced into the world of music. I’m grateful that God allowed me to embrace it. I hope for many more years of it. I hope that others will experience it and feel the Spirit of God. I hope in that moment, people realize that they aren’t alone.