Redemptive Days...
While I was in college, I fell in love. Normally in stories this follows a long string of adjectives describing the beautiful woman a person would marry. Although, I did fall in love with my amazing wife, this is a completely different story.
I'd gone through a time in college, where I began to start searching for what I can only describe as something more. Being a christian had become mundane. I was a Bible college student, that felt I was just kind of bored with knowledge and church. I had been attending a church in which felt comfortable. There is nothing wrong with comfort, but I didn't feel like I was growing.
I remember talking to a friend of mine named Josh. I told him about my dilemma. Then he said, "Come to my church, it's called Redemption. Gary (the pastor) just gets it". At the time, I will admit I don't know what it was but it didn't take long till I figured out what Josh meant.
I'm not known to venture but for some reason I did and I ended up at Redemption Church, located in Bristol, PA. Within the short time I was there, I fell in love with the community. The church took me in and they loved me. They didn't know me, they didn't know my baggage, but they loved me. They also understood a key point to theology. Which was said in these words, "Redemption Church of Bristol is a community of sinners and skeptics longing for the Redemption of God".
In other words, they got it! They understood the needs I was feeling. They were real. They were authentic. They helped me understand the importance of being open and honest. We are sinners and skeptics but we long for God's redemption. We long for the blood of Christ to cover us. This doesn't mean we don't struggle. It means we wrestle until God reveals his beautiful purpose.
Wrestling with God, and Breaking your back
Being open about life isn't something we are often good at. I believe it takes someone else opening up, in order to have conversations about what weighs on our hearts. This is going to be one of those stories...
December to March has been some of the hardest and most challenging months of my life. I call that time, my time on the deserted island. The reason I say that was because it was a lot of me alone to my thoughts and fears.
In December, I had lost my job that I had been working for about a year and some change. Just the week before, I had learned that my wife was pregnant with our first child. I had not been fired because I was a poor worker. I had been fired because I opened my mouth and let people know where my head was at. Looking back, it was stupid of me. Yet, I thought I could trust people. It turned out I couldn't.
During the meeting, I just remember feeling like I was the problem. I never believed it was the intention of anyone, but it came across as I was not good enough. This dug into me and hurt like hell.
I was devastated. I was hurt. I was embarrassed. I was afraid. I felt rejected. These emotions would be able to hide away during the holidays. The truth be told, it's easy to distract ourselves and feel good for a time. It's easy to say God is good, while you have family around and friends. My moment of wrestling came after the holidays. That's when God and I had it out.
During the first week back from the holidays, Beka had gone back to work and I began looking for jobs. The first week I probably applied for 50 jobs. The funny thing about job searching, is you actually have a lot of time outside of looking for jobs. That's when the lies began. That's when the anger, rejection, fear, and embarrassment came out. That's when I felt my back break.
Broken
During the month of January, everything seem to come to the forefront. I remember feeling very numb. I would be good for a moment, saying that God would provide, the next I'd feel a sadness mixed with anger sweep over me. I remember feeling anxious everyday, even hiding from our landlords because I felt like a failure.
The funny thing when you are embarrassed or having feelings of rejection about yourself, you get angry at others. I was angry with myself at times too but mostly others. I remember thinking about the people who had let me go, and wanting to get payback. I wanted justice because I felt wronged. Every time they'd come to mind, it would be theses thoughts of hate and anger. It was quite sick and twisted for me. I also pulled away from friends. I would even say I pulled away from my wife. I felt as if I failed Beka.
During this time, I'd take walks and pray. I think I mostly did it because I wanted to calm myself because I would get so angry. These walks came with a lot of questioning too. I remember just being in tears, which didn't help because it was cold, and just telling God how mad I was. I wanted answers. I didn't want to feel this way. I didn't want to be angry. I was angry at God for feeling the way I did. I was angry at God because I kept praying but He didn't take it away. I was angry at God because I just couldn't feel anything. Even the Bible was a dull piece of literature for me.
Then it finally happened to me. I remember getting on the floor and just saying it. I remember telling Jesus " I feel like s#!$".
Now first off, this in no way is how I talk to God all the time. I just said it. I just felt it. I owned it. I remember telling Jesus, I can't do this anymore. I can't walk in this. I had really been dancing around and not being honest with God. My prayers, I was holding back. It's weird to say, but I wasn't saying what I felt, I was saying the evangelical Christian key words in prayers.
It was in the moment, I was just raw with God, that I remember feeling the most peace. Then He said, "Forgive them". I will admit, it took 2 weeks before I actually sent email's to the people I was mad at and apoligized. It was not instantaneous. I didn't want to. Yet every time I prayed in my hurt, God said "Forgive". So finally I gave in to my brokenness and trusted God.
Freedom
I imagine when Jesus came back to Peter after Peter denying Him, Peter must of been carrying a heavy weight. Then to sit there and be asked, not once, not twice, but 3 times (because the Bible loves 3's) if Peter loved Him, must have been painful. I feel like sometimes, Jesus was just trying to get Peter to be real with Him. He wanted to see Peter's heart. I mean just read this passage:"Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.'"
-John 21:17
I believe that Jesus brings us to these moments because He wants to see our hearts. He wants us to acknowledge that we are hurt and want freedom. I think Jesus challenges us by asking the hard questions. In the midst of my broken state, Jesus was just wanted to see if I could forgive. If I wanted to find true healing from all the emotions, it was to do the opposite of what my human nature wanted to do.
I believe in being authentic. I loved Redemption in Bristol, because they were real with me. I didn't always like it but it was God's way of growing the church. We will wrestle, but let's wrestle with the topics and be truthful. I think it's okay to say your not okay. It's good to talk about things. Obviously, its good not to dwell on it but to be able to speak about it when appropriate. I think if anything, it's good to be honest with God. It's good to speak respectfully but I think also honestly. We are to honor God, but we also need to be honest.
When I read Psalms, I see the Psalmist telling God, you have destroyed me. Then I think, "WHAT, YOU CAN'T DO THAT" Yet it's in the Bible. In spite of this, the psalmist also gives honor to God. He is respectful because God is to be honored. So there is a line or at least I think there is one.
In closing, I wanted to be real. It's not saying my story is not worst than others. There are others with harder things they've gone through. I just wanted to be open about it. I wanted to show people that I'm not a great follower of Christ all the time. Yet, I also want people to see, Jesus redeems the sinner and makes them whole.
We are made to be authentic, let the discussions begin!
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