I Quit Being a Christian for a minute...

 Quitting 

I think for a while I stopped being a Christian. Now for those who want to break this down theologically, let me explain and then you can have your fun. I never stopped believing in Jesus. I never stopped going to church. I never stopped trying my best to be Christ like. I just gave up some of the baggage that comes with being a Christian. 

You see, I’ve spent the majority of my life, believing in Jesus. I remember when I was 14 giving my heart to Him in I guess was a legitimate conversion experience. I tried my best to do what I thought Jesus wanted me to do. I remember it wasn’t till college, that I really started grasping and understanding the Bible (if you can grasp or understand). I remember Bible college. I remember when I left how different the world is outside of the Christian circles. 

This leads me to the year 2020. I’ve been on a journey of kind of discovering what faith means to me. This actually has started before 2020 but has brought me to a new place. It’s been a good thing for me because most of my life has been plagued with anxiety of doing the right thing. I think part of it is there are so many views of being Christian. There is also a way of being, that I’ve always kind of felt like an outsider too.

For instance, theological beliefs were constantly challenged when I went to Bible college. Things like women being pastors and if someone could lose their salvation seemed set in stone to many people. I’ll be honest, I never saw an issue with a woman as a pastor and at the time I believed you could lose your salvation. I remember people would literally show me in the Bible every passage. It was as if I was treated like I was a false teacher if I didn't yield to the other person.

I learned to keep my mouth shut. The truth is my college years, I avoided a lot of people due to my beliefs and thoughts. I’d pull my punches because I felt afraid that I would be labeled dumb or a heretic. I own that it’s on me for pushing people away but I still felt like it was hard in the crowd I was around.

Also in some ways, Christianity became like a drug. In our culture, it’s always getting to that next step closer to Jesus. That means, deeper prayer, more in-depth study of the Word, etc. I would try these things, but I felt like I couldn’t get to that next level. I always kind of felt stagnant. In trying to get to this next level, I believe I missed God in the moments where he spoke so clearly to me.

So getting back to the original premise of my writing, why did I feel like I gave up being a Christian. Truthfully, I just kind of stop being regimented. I stopped trying to be spiritual. I started taking Jesus' words as true. I just kind of studied what I wanted and not just read the Bible because I had to. 

I started listening to different Christians and seeing their thoughts. I listen to music that was predominately not Christian (but members could be Christians). I took prayer as a thing that I do throughout the day and wouldn’t sit in it for however long I should (apparently an hour prayer is better than 5 mins). 

I also allowed myself to question things in the Bible. I didn’t like that I was supposed to accept things. For instance, why do I need to accept that Adam and Eve were the first and only people on the earth. Why couldn’t they be like Israel, the chosen first people of God. I just wanted to allow myself to really take time and think through beliefs. I didn’t just want to accept things because that’s what a bunch of old men told me too (it’s not to be harsh but it’s kind of true).

I’ll be honest, I really like the local church I’ve been going to. I mean people genuinely seem to be trying to not do church but live it. I think it'll help keep me on track a bit. I believe the church doesn’t need to always be full of programs but simply about connecting and loving our neighbors. This translates into making it a part of your daily life of loving and helping neighbors. I like that and I think this local church gets it. 

Letting go...

So why am I writing about this part of my faith journey. Frankly, I think I’m tired of not being honest with myself. This has more to do with myself finally embracing the fact that it’s okay to be different. It’s okay to connect with God differently. 

There are people out there, who struggle in church because it’s just so hard to fit in. This is due to us being afraid to be real in our faith. We are afraid that we aren’t connecting with God correctly. Yet God has made us different. We may worship differently, we may pray differently, and we may believe differently. The fact of the matter is we are all in Christ and for Christ. 

Jesus isn’t a political party. Jesus isn’t a self help guru. Jesus isn’t a get out of jail free card. Jesus is our Savior and King. He calls us to live according to his example. To love God and to love others. He challenges our beliefs and our understandings to hopefully bring us closer to Him. He knows we will fail. That’s why He died and rose again. He knew we needed someone to save us from our own hearts.

For the longest time, I felt alone because I didn’t feel like I did the whole Christian thing right. I don’t say the right things. I make a lot of mistakes. Yet I know that I am called by Christ. I know I need to do more. I know that I need to love better. I know I need to be continually washed clean.

Yet I know the truth is, Jesus wants a relationship with me. I know there are also others out in the world, who are just tired of playing the game of being a Christian. I know that it doesn’t need to look pretty and it sure doesn’t need to be orderly. It’s good to have order for sure but we don’t need to have all this guilt weighing on us. 

Like I said, I may have had a season where I just kind of stopped being a Christian. I think I came out a better Christian due to it. Hopefully a better person in my walk and understanding of Jesus. If not, well, Jesus will let me know. Until then, I’m embracing that I may just be okay.