Ding Dong 2020 is almost gone...

Reflection of 2020

As I see 2020 coming to an end, I think the main thing I’m feeling is tired. Covid fatigue is a real thing. It’s really drained a lot of my motivation and drive as of late. With the virus seemingly getting harsher and the vaccine seems too good to be true, I find myself having less hope.

You see, it’s advent time, and we talk a lot about joy, peace, hope, and love. During this time of year, it seems we are to reflect on these ideas. I believe the point was to let us reflect on Christ, we find these qualities. When we know Jesus, we have hope. When we know Jesus, we find peace. When we know Jesus we experience peace. When we know Jesus, we experience and are able to return love.

It’s been hard this year to really understand those ideals. It’s been really hard for me to really experience Christ. It’s been hard to really feel much of anything but tired.

I hate saying it too. I hate feeling negative. I hate feeling disconnected from Jesus and others. Covid in a way has killed me. I know this to be true not of only myself but others.

So what do we do? Truth be told, I really don’t know what can be done. My first thought is the importance of just grinding through it. Yet I know, this isn’t necessarily the healthiest thing to do. My second answer is talk to someone. Then of course my next answer is to write it (which is why I’m doing this post now).

It’s easy to feel burnt out. I think Covid has taught us this idea more so because even in the midst of not doing too much, it still wears us out. I really miss seeing my brothers. This has been a huge struggle for me during this time. I hate the fact that I hadn’t seen my brothers since March. We still stay connected but it sucks.

So here I am. I’m tired. I’m tired of waiting for cure all for Covid. I’m tired of feeling distant from others. I’m tired of my job feeling a lot harder than normal. I’m tired of waking up and not feeling motivated.

Yet I am reminded that I need to sit in hope. Spiritually I do feel a bit dry. Yet, I’m holding onto the fact that Jesus is the hope for my life. Even in the midst of a trying time, I still am seeing good. I’ve seen my son Owen accomplish potty training. I have a little girl who is turned one and she is showing me that she’s going to be smart. I have connected better with my co-workers. God has also provided for many needs during this time and continues to help with financials.

You see, God is still in the midst of trouble. He doesn't leave. He doesn’t take a break. He is with us. Honestly I have to say I believe that to be true. If it wasn’t, I think I’d be lost. I have been keeping my cool, even in the midst of some frustrations. I believe even when I’m not being the most faithful, God is still faithful to me.

I always look to what I would consider the verse that is life changing for me. Lamentation 3:22-24 which states “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassion never fails. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness (3:22-24 NIV). This verse I’ve carried a lot because in all situations it applies whether good or bad. God is faithful and still compassionate. This continues day after day. I need that because right now, it feels like nothing good is coming.

In the midst of being tired, I find myself still holding onto the idea that there is hope. I need to because if I don’t, well, I’m literally not going to make it out. So that’s it with moving onto 2021. I am holding onto hope which I have in Jesus. He is still in control even when it feels like He’s not. Today, I do feel like God isn’t in control but will fight that idea and just believe. Sometimes faith is a matter of remembering who God is in moments like this year.