Reflection

 

Growing up

Time continues to fly by 

As the lines are roadmaps under my eyes 

All the trees I’ve climbed and corns stocks I’ve brushed 

As the hours passed on the clocks 

Where would I be without staying up late with friends

Watching movies and laughing until the night ends

All these memories, remind me of a time

When I believed the world was mine 

All these memories, of summer nights 

Kicking up dust on ball fields

Laughing at my brothers jokes 

As we sat at the dinner table 

When I look back at these times

I remember it well

Oh what a life I get to live 

Soda bottles and guitar amps 

Church basements to small galleries 

Playing songs inspired from nights of skateboards

And jokes at the expense of one another 

The callous fingers and blistered hands 

Casualties of a good time my friends 

All these memories, of beach trips 

All the Bogie boards and boardwalks 

My dad reading books and my mother on kayaks 

All these memories, of running through my high school halls

Because of a game inspired from my friend Tim 

I remember these times well

Oh what a life I get to live 

As I drive down Prince St, I still remember the coffee shops and art galleries 

I remember the times with friends and what we use to eat 

As the years go by, and my eyes earn another line below them 

I remember the gift of each day, and treasure each memory

The Face of Burnout

  The face of burnout isn’t what you think. Most people think it’s people’s bodies giving out or having a mental breakdown. It’s not always so dramatic. It can be the case but I don’t believe it’s common. 

For me, it's numbness. It’s having someone sitting in front of you, crying, angry at the world, and just feeling disconnected. It’s lacking sympathy or empathy.  It’s listening to someone speak and spending time in your head trying to come up with the solution at that moment. It’s sitting there feeling overwhelmed that the problem is too big and there is no solution. It’s trying to connect with God but just feeling too distracted.

This is the face of burnout. It’s not dramatic but it’s devastating. It has taken a lot of good people. That’s why I always hated when people were hard on those who have reached this point. I remember someone saying it’s because of someone's relationship with Jesus. I hate that argument. I hate when people wield Jesus as a weapon to give themselves that extra pat on the shoulder. 

The thing about burnout, it can happen to anyone. It can happen in any industry of employment. It can happen even in relationships. It’s a real problem in society. 

Burnout can effect one in many ways. You may over eat or not at all. You may feel depressed. You may look for satisfaction in entertainment or other things. It could strain your relationships with family friends etc.

So how do we change this? I’m not 100% sure to be honest. I know the importance of taking time for something to fill you up. I think sometimes it's time to change the situation. I’m just trying to say, something must be done.

Any advice I can give, please be gracious to those who give you that blank stare. Those who look tired. Who are trying to but have grown weary. Be gracious to your doctors, social workers, ministers, business partners, factory workers, etc. Maybe together there can be a solution. The face of burnout can happen to anyone, even you.

Just know you're not alone. Don't grow weary in doing good but know it's okay to take a break. It's okay to make a change. You are still strong. Jesus still loves you. Again, you are not alone.

One of the Good One's

Dot

Yesterday I was informed that a mentor, family friend, and church member passed away. I spent a good portion of my day thinking about the impact she had made in my life. I thought about the impact she made in everyone’s life she met. She was special.


I knew her as Dot. Dot was an amazing woman. I mean her whole family was but she took things to another level. You see, Dot was my youth leader. She had taken over after our last one had left the church.


Now if you saw Dot, especially as a teenager, it threw you off a bit. You wondered why she’d ever want to work with youth. Yet, the saying that appearances can be deceiving was completely accurate of Dot. Dot was a ball of energy that I still to this day, have no clue where she got it from.


Dot was someone who knew how to have fun. She would join in on activities. She would go to the open gym nights, the overnights, the music festivals, etc. She would do it all. It was incredible. She was able to be one of the last to go to bed and the first to be up. Honestly, it makes you wonder if she slept.


What was most incredible was her ability to love. She loved everyone that she met. It wasn’t fake. It was genuine love. She went out of her way to make you feel it too. It was never uncomfortable as some might think. It was like you belonged. She represented what I believe was Jesus' love for us.


Dot had a saying usually when we did something ridiculous. It was “love of Jesus”. This phrase was also used when she would also gently tap us for making a joke. I think in all things, she was reminding us of the importance of loving Jesus. Even when we were being teenage boys making dumb jokes, she knew we need to redirected to the love of Jesus.


Dot was a huge part of why I am a Christian. In a time I was lost, searching for love and acceptance, she showed me Jesus. Dot was an encouragement. She saw the potential most of us don’t see. Dot invested into quite a few of us. She spent time praying and listening. It didn’t matter what time of the day it was, Dot was there.


The last time I saw Dot, she was able to meet Beka and Owen. She got to see a bit of her prayers for me come to fruition. I remember connecting with her about life and even her now being a grandma. It felt like a day had never passed when talking with Dot.


I am thankful for the time I had with Dot. Yet, I am going to miss her while time passes on this earth. I know, I get to see her one day in glory but I still will miss her. I wish I could have told her the huge impact she made for me, like she did for others. I wish I could thank her for all those prayers and times she gave m

e time to listen to me.

The thing is, she knows. She’s with Jesus and I know He told her “well done, good and faithful servant”. Thank you Dot for showing me Jesus. I’ll look forward to seeing you one day again.

These Are My Friends

Free Hugs

I’ve been thinking a lot about friends from my past. I actually had a dream about seeing them again. I felt joy. I hugged some of my friends and laughed. It was a good feeling. I then woke up and realized it didn’t happen in real life. I admit I was disappointed but it stuck with me.

As much as I don’t miss the days of high school and college, I do miss the people. The experience of school would not be as good if not for the people who I experienced those moments.

I remember in high school, I was in a band. Now this story doesn’t live up to the drugs, sex, and rock n’ roll lifestyle: I was in high school, but it still had a huge impact on me. Our band had been something where it taught me a lot. The best years were near the end of it. I think it’s when we most enjoyed playing music. The writing had a lot more laughter. I mean we fought a bit but overall we laughed more.

We took time to also just goof off outside of writing. I remember one night just riding around on a four wheeler. On another night we just skated on a quarter pipe. It was a time where we had fun. It didn’t need to be serious.

I also remember through playing shows, we’d connect with friends. We’d build a fan base that mostly was our friends that appreciated music. One of the best memories is where a couple of dudes came up on stage with us to dance around and hit drums. It was one of those moments where it gave me a renewed sense of God.

Friendship is about connection. We live life together. The best and worst moments we have, we experienced together. Through that experience, we grow in some way. As created beings, we were never meant to go through life alone. Life was meant to be shared with others.

I find myself living in a bit of nostalgia. It’s like watching Star Wars again or playing Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater. It’s that familiar feeling that brings a sense of comfort. I know that things have changed but the memories still exist. I hope my mind will never lose those memories.

As I look at my life now. It’s different. I have a wife and kids. I’m creating new memories. I get to experience my kids go through the same type of avenues with relationships. I hope that my kids have those life giving moments with friends. I hope they remember the fights and the good times. I also hope that I find those relationships again in my own life.

I’ll admit, as I get older it seems less likely. I like to blame my kids but maybe it’s because I have become so preoccupied by life. I know that I had some great friends who I still keep in contact with but due to distance, it can be hard. It’s not anyone’s fault but rather life happening. We all have responsibilities and I will be the first to say, I am forgetful.

In the end, I am grateful for those memories of friends. I am thankful for my dreams of meeting again. I am hopeful that I get to have moments with friends like this in real life. Covid definitely has affected closeness but I have hope. I look forward to the future. I really hope I get to have those moments of laughter!

I Want To Get Better

I'm Angry

We have to be better. When I say we, I speak with the many other Christians in America. I’ve read up on some of the scandals of Hillsong Church and Ravi Zacharias and I’m extremely upset. I’m upset because of the ramifications that happen to Jesus. I’m upset because as Christians, we should be talking about this kind of stuff.

I can honestly say, I understand wanting to hide the battles we may be having with sin, whether it be lust, dishonesty, or many other things. Yet I know there comes a point where we need to admit our issue and deal with it. As Christians, we understand we are flawed, and we can’t just sweep it under the rug. God knows what we do in the dark.

It broke my heart reading about Zacharias telling women that if they spoke out against him, that these women would be responsible for the souls lost due to ruining his reputation. These women had to deal with the guilt and also the shame. This is not right. No woman should ever be treated or feel the weight of someone else's sin.

As Christians, we need to be responsible for our sin. We need to stop bullshitting people with our holiness and admit that we struggle. We need to call people out if they are doing something wrong. We need to be better.

I believe we need to protect people from the harm that can be done by people. When we hear people talk about abuse, we should look into it. We don’t just leave it to deaf ears. When someone is engaging in inappropriate relationships, we need to say something to them regardless of status. We need to do the work of restoration before people are too far gone. We need to stop using God to manipulate to get what we want.

I’m angry because I’ve known for many years that people can do the unthinkable in churches. I know that (including myself), I hide behind my mask of being okay when there are some things in my heart that aren’t right. Sin doesn’t discriminate, it has affected all of us. This means we need to deal with it before it hurts others and even ourselves.

Forgiveness

I still believe that forgiveness can happen to those who might be involved in things like sexual misconduct. They must deal with consequences of those actions but God can restore. Jesus Christ still offers forgiveness through repentance. This hasn’t changed and I want people to know that Jesus is still salvation even if we sin. Yet we need to be able to own up to our sin and be able to turn away from it.

At the end of the day my frustration comes from a place of wanting the church of America to be one of change. I want the church to be one of repentance and freedom. I want it to be a place that recognizes the influence it has and can have in the name of Jesus.

Jesus is good and is patient. We need to understand this and move forward in the way that we are called to be. Jesus is good and forgives but we must also be able to admit our own sin. Thank you Jesus you still are good in the midst of our garbage.

Ding Dong 2020 is almost gone...

Reflection of 2020

As I see 2020 coming to an end, I think the main thing I’m feeling is tired. Covid fatigue is a real thing. It’s really drained a lot of my motivation and drive as of late. With the virus seemingly getting harsher and the vaccine seems too good to be true, I find myself having less hope.

You see, it’s advent time, and we talk a lot about joy, peace, hope, and love. During this time of year, it seems we are to reflect on these ideas. I believe the point was to let us reflect on Christ, we find these qualities. When we know Jesus, we have hope. When we know Jesus, we find peace. When we know Jesus we experience peace. When we know Jesus, we experience and are able to return love.

It’s been hard this year to really understand those ideals. It’s been really hard for me to really experience Christ. It’s been hard to really feel much of anything but tired.

I hate saying it too. I hate feeling negative. I hate feeling disconnected from Jesus and others. Covid in a way has killed me. I know this to be true not of only myself but others.

So what do we do? Truth be told, I really don’t know what can be done. My first thought is the importance of just grinding through it. Yet I know, this isn’t necessarily the healthiest thing to do. My second answer is talk to someone. Then of course my next answer is to write it (which is why I’m doing this post now).

It’s easy to feel burnt out. I think Covid has taught us this idea more so because even in the midst of not doing too much, it still wears us out. I really miss seeing my brothers. This has been a huge struggle for me during this time. I hate the fact that I hadn’t seen my brothers since March. We still stay connected but it sucks.

So here I am. I’m tired. I’m tired of waiting for cure all for Covid. I’m tired of feeling distant from others. I’m tired of my job feeling a lot harder than normal. I’m tired of waking up and not feeling motivated.

Yet I am reminded that I need to sit in hope. Spiritually I do feel a bit dry. Yet, I’m holding onto the fact that Jesus is the hope for my life. Even in the midst of a trying time, I still am seeing good. I’ve seen my son Owen accomplish potty training. I have a little girl who is turned one and she is showing me that she’s going to be smart. I have connected better with my co-workers. God has also provided for many needs during this time and continues to help with financials.

You see, God is still in the midst of trouble. He doesn't leave. He doesn’t take a break. He is with us. Honestly I have to say I believe that to be true. If it wasn’t, I think I’d be lost. I have been keeping my cool, even in the midst of some frustrations. I believe even when I’m not being the most faithful, God is still faithful to me.

I always look to what I would consider the verse that is life changing for me. Lamentation 3:22-24 which states “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassion never fails. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness (3:22-24 NIV). This verse I’ve carried a lot because in all situations it applies whether good or bad. God is faithful and still compassionate. This continues day after day. I need that because right now, it feels like nothing good is coming.

In the midst of being tired, I find myself still holding onto the idea that there is hope. I need to because if I don’t, well, I’m literally not going to make it out. So that’s it with moving onto 2021. I am holding onto hope which I have in Jesus. He is still in control even when it feels like He’s not. Today, I do feel like God isn’t in control but will fight that idea and just believe. Sometimes faith is a matter of remembering who God is in moments like this year.

I Quit Being a Christian for a minute...

 Quitting 

I think for a while I stopped being a Christian. Now for those who want to break this down theologically, let me explain and then you can have your fun. I never stopped believing in Jesus. I never stopped going to church. I never stopped trying my best to be Christ like. I just gave up some of the baggage that comes with being a Christian. 

You see, I’ve spent the majority of my life, believing in Jesus. I remember when I was 14 giving my heart to Him in I guess was a legitimate conversion experience. I tried my best to do what I thought Jesus wanted me to do. I remember it wasn’t till college, that I really started grasping and understanding the Bible (if you can grasp or understand). I remember Bible college. I remember when I left how different the world is outside of the Christian circles. 

This leads me to the year 2020. I’ve been on a journey of kind of discovering what faith means to me. This actually has started before 2020 but has brought me to a new place. It’s been a good thing for me because most of my life has been plagued with anxiety of doing the right thing. I think part of it is there are so many views of being Christian. There is also a way of being, that I’ve always kind of felt like an outsider too.

For instance, theological beliefs were constantly challenged when I went to Bible college. Things like women being pastors and if someone could lose their salvation seemed set in stone to many people. I’ll be honest, I never saw an issue with a woman as a pastor and at the time I believed you could lose your salvation. I remember people would literally show me in the Bible every passage. It was as if I was treated like I was a false teacher if I didn't yield to the other person.

I learned to keep my mouth shut. The truth is my college years, I avoided a lot of people due to my beliefs and thoughts. I’d pull my punches because I felt afraid that I would be labeled dumb or a heretic. I own that it’s on me for pushing people away but I still felt like it was hard in the crowd I was around.

Also in some ways, Christianity became like a drug. In our culture, it’s always getting to that next step closer to Jesus. That means, deeper prayer, more in-depth study of the Word, etc. I would try these things, but I felt like I couldn’t get to that next level. I always kind of felt stagnant. In trying to get to this next level, I believe I missed God in the moments where he spoke so clearly to me.

So getting back to the original premise of my writing, why did I feel like I gave up being a Christian. Truthfully, I just kind of stop being regimented. I stopped trying to be spiritual. I started taking Jesus' words as true. I just kind of studied what I wanted and not just read the Bible because I had to. 

I started listening to different Christians and seeing their thoughts. I listen to music that was predominately not Christian (but members could be Christians). I took prayer as a thing that I do throughout the day and wouldn’t sit in it for however long I should (apparently an hour prayer is better than 5 mins). 

I also allowed myself to question things in the Bible. I didn’t like that I was supposed to accept things. For instance, why do I need to accept that Adam and Eve were the first and only people on the earth. Why couldn’t they be like Israel, the chosen first people of God. I just wanted to allow myself to really take time and think through beliefs. I didn’t just want to accept things because that’s what a bunch of old men told me too (it’s not to be harsh but it’s kind of true).

I’ll be honest, I really like the local church I’ve been going to. I mean people genuinely seem to be trying to not do church but live it. I think it'll help keep me on track a bit. I believe the church doesn’t need to always be full of programs but simply about connecting and loving our neighbors. This translates into making it a part of your daily life of loving and helping neighbors. I like that and I think this local church gets it. 

Letting go...

So why am I writing about this part of my faith journey. Frankly, I think I’m tired of not being honest with myself. This has more to do with myself finally embracing the fact that it’s okay to be different. It’s okay to connect with God differently. 

There are people out there, who struggle in church because it’s just so hard to fit in. This is due to us being afraid to be real in our faith. We are afraid that we aren’t connecting with God correctly. Yet God has made us different. We may worship differently, we may pray differently, and we may believe differently. The fact of the matter is we are all in Christ and for Christ. 

Jesus isn’t a political party. Jesus isn’t a self help guru. Jesus isn’t a get out of jail free card. Jesus is our Savior and King. He calls us to live according to his example. To love God and to love others. He challenges our beliefs and our understandings to hopefully bring us closer to Him. He knows we will fail. That’s why He died and rose again. He knew we needed someone to save us from our own hearts.

For the longest time, I felt alone because I didn’t feel like I did the whole Christian thing right. I don’t say the right things. I make a lot of mistakes. Yet I know that I am called by Christ. I know I need to do more. I know that I need to love better. I know I need to be continually washed clean.

Yet I know the truth is, Jesus wants a relationship with me. I know there are also others out in the world, who are just tired of playing the game of being a Christian. I know that it doesn’t need to look pretty and it sure doesn’t need to be orderly. It’s good to have order for sure but we don’t need to have all this guilt weighing on us. 

Like I said, I may have had a season where I just kind of stopped being a Christian. I think I came out a better Christian due to it. Hopefully a better person in my walk and understanding of Jesus. If not, well, Jesus will let me know. Until then, I’m embracing that I may just be okay.