No Longer An Outcast

When I Grow Up

I remember when I was a kid loving baseball. I love the feeling of your fingers sliding across the seams when you throw the ball. The chills when you hear the crack (or clank if you use metal bats) bat, knowing you just destroyed the pitch. There is a list of things I love about the game of baseball, but I feel that list could go on forever.

Baseball was what I wanted to do with my life. Since I was young, my dream was to play for the New York Mets. I'd dream of what it would feel like to play at Shea Stadium (now Citi Field), to run the bases, and to win with my team. Obviously, life didn’t really play out the way my six-year-old self wanted.

My love for baseball eventually did start to fade. It wasn’t the lack of how much I loved the game. It was that the game beat me down. I worked hard. Yet, it often seemed that I had to carry a heavy weight. Surprisingly, I was good at baseball. This meant a lot of coaches put pressure on me. One memory is of me going through a slump, and the coach just kind of cycling me out of games. 

Sure I’d play, but in right field. I’m going to state something about right field that may offend lovers of right field: it’s really boring. Right field is the least hit to part of the outfield (especially anything before high school). You really are just kicking around grass. I was also near the end of the batting order, so it meant less at bats. I noticed I sit out until later innings too. This was my punishment for not producing (also not being a coaches son).

I lost my love for baseball but I also started lacking confidence. I felt like I deserved to be where I had been placed. This pattern can suck you in. The devil sucks us into this lie, that when we lack in success, we aren’t good enough.

Being Britta: Being the Worst

How often do we find ourselves in this situation? Not just in sports, but school, work, and even church. The world can and will beat you down with lies. It makes us believe we aren’t good enough or somehow we were messed up.

As human beings, we tend to focus on the things about us that aren’t up to par. We listen to what people say about us. We look try to fit labels. If we are honest, we are in constant battle with ourselves about who we are.

It’s incredible that how we look at ourselves can affect our lives. I remember in school, I’d be in the lowest level classes in things like Math or Science. Due to this, I would tell people lies that I chose the class or that it was easy. To be honest, I struggled greatly but I didn’t want people to think I was dumb. I started to believe I wasn’t smart. That mentality made me scared to strive for more. I bought into a lie.

It’s funny because I think we buy into this lie that we aren’t good enough. In a way, it’s true. We aren’t good enough to please God, but that’s why Jesus dying and resurrection are so vital to a Christian’s faith. If not for Jesus, we’d just sin and constantly fail. As I write this part, I have to laugh because it sounds really discouraging. The truth is, it shouldn’t. Think of it like this: Jesus endured the embarrassment, the wrath of God, and death for our sin. Then He rose to complete the work needed for us to be saved. He gives forgiveness and grace freely to those who call upon him. He wants to have a relationship with us.

Being Batman: You Are Awesome

Now let those truths sink in for a moment. Jesus died for our sin. He died for all. God since the garden (even before that) valued you and me so much, that he came to save us from sin. Not only that but He wants to communicate with us. Jesus wants to talk with me. He values me regardless of how much money I make, what I do, and the mistakes I have made. 

As I just take in what I just wrote, I get choked up a bit. It’s not that I wrote it beautifully but the truth behind it. God loves us so much. I cannot even fathom how much love that is but I am in constant thanks of it. I am unworthy of His love, but He gave it freely.

I’m always asked how do you apply this idea to your life. It comes with a lot of wrestling and prayer. It’s a constant battle. The devil wants to convince you of how you aren’t wonderful. When we walk with Jesus, we are beautiful because of His love. It doesn’t matter if you are rich, poor, a Mets fan, unemployed, divorced, etc. Jesus sees you with value. You are good enough because you have His grace! We are valued in Jesus.

We must remember this truth in order to move forward and to grow. It won’t be easy but I imagine that’s why we are able to communicate with God. If anyone is wondering, I still love baseball. I can't wait for the warm weather, so I can finally catch some Mets games!

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book 

before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.

- Psalms 139:13-18

The Struggle Is Real

Rough Beginnings

My start into the world wasn't the best. At an early age, I was sick. It wasn't the fun kind of sick, where you get to stay home and play video games. It was the sick that brought pain.  I can't say I remember much but I can recall a few good moments. Most of the story is told from my parents perspectives. In some way, I believe God saved me from remembering. Although, if I am honest, I don't very much like hospitals. 

I still remember the hospital having a unique smell. Even though most hospitals are sterilized to perfection (well I hope at least) you still feel a bit dirty. It's believe it comes from the fear of not knowing what's wrong with you. I remember walking through the halls of the hospital with my parents or playing Nintendo with my brother Ian. Those moments helped me forget how scared we probably all were. I don't think I understood the journey God was taking me on. He definitely made me a fighter.

The God whom allows struggles

I believe in a God. Not a "god" but the one and only God. I believe in God who sent His son to be a sacrifice to cover my sin as well as others. He also promise those who believe eternal life. It's a pretty awesome gig. It's all awesome if you just tell people that part of the deal. After the feel good stuff, you hear things like this in the Bible; "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33 ESV). 

If you look the word tribulation is in there. It's a word that I myself seem to forget often. Jesus is saying right here that we will have peace in Him, but we will have trouble. Most people look at that and think, "Oh yes I will be okay when trials come". Yet in reality, this is where we can see what it really means to be a Christian. It's the when everything hits the fan that we can see our true hearts.

I believe that God does things for a purpose. Obviously, being really sick as a child isn't the best way to start off life. Yet because of this event, my parents faith was made stronger. God was showing his ultimate presence in this matter to me, my family, and doctors. Ultimately, I ended up being okay and by God's grace, I've been healthy for 27 years. God allows these hard events in our lives to help define us. It changed my parents. It changed my brother Ian. It changed the doctors. It changed me. I would not be who I am without that part of my life. Although I don't remember much, God still left an impact in my life. I am humbled because in His hands, He allowed me to become a man, get married, and soon to be a father. Through my early trials, through my parents prayers, through the churches prayers, I was healed. 

A Few Weeks Later...

The last few weeks, I have learned to appreciate life. We are to appreciate all parts of life: the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Even suffering or pain is something to appreciate. Life is something God gave so freely to us. I mean the fact that I still get to live is a blessing.

It's easy to become selective as a Christian. It's easy to enjoy the benefits of grace. I still do in many moments of life. I believe James says it best "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing" (James 1:2-4 ESV). 

Every struggle in life isn't God's way of pushing you away, its drawing us closer. We mess up. That's the beauty of grace, He forgives. We will struggle. We will lose jobs, watch friends past away, lose the battle to addiction, etc. Yet in these moments, we are growing. In the struggle, we are loved and God provides. I can say this on multiple accounts. Even as I turn my back, God does not. 

We are blessed with life. We are loved. We are defined in Christ. We are free!


Then the LORD came down in the cloud and stood there with him and proclaimed his name, the LORD. And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, “The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the parents to the third and fourth generation.”



Jeremiah 34:5-7

Fin

Introduction to Finality

I will be the first to admit that I dramatize events in my life. If you look deep down inside, you probably do too. It's natural because we want our lives to be noticed or important. I believe this happens because of TV shows.

I love a good show. I love something that draws you in and makes you feel a part of the characters lives. I love when you have someone else who understands one-liners from a show. I love the music at the throughout or at the end of an episode that gives the emotional impact my heart desires.

One of the best things though about watching a show, is when it gets to the final episode. The one where everything you love about the show is wrapped up in a, hopefully, satisfying way. Finales are kind of the swan song to those who have been loyal. It's as if the writers, directors, producers, just want to say thank you (unless you watch How I Met Your Mother or Lost).

A Sitcom Part of Life

I believe finales are also a big part of life. A finale is kind of saying good-bye to a part of your life and welcoming a new one. This isn't to say you leave it all behind, but you are embracing a new way. For example, with friendships, you might move away but it doesn't change the fact your friends. You are just now embracing a different and new type of relationship. This is a necessary part of life.

We are made to change. We need to sometimes be forced to change. For instance, in my life right now, I'm going from just a husband to now a father. As I write that it freaks me out (probably a good thing). Yet as I'm bringing this season of being just a husband to an end, I'm still a husband. The difference is now I'm also going to be a father. My relationship will change with my wife but it will begin a new chapter of growth for us. With every end, a new story begins.

Adventuring Off Into New Territory

I often wonder how it must have felt to be a Jew during the early church. Nothing says finale or change like your religious background being turned upside down. After Jesus death, the law itself had been abolished and they were left with 11 (eventually 12) grizzly men speaking about Jesus.

I mean when you were Jewish in this time, you had to follow this law very closely. It was everything from dietary to even the amount you work. To hear that a man name Jesus had changed things. Not only did he change the law but now those who follow Jesus can be outsiders (Acts 10 if you want to read more). That's a lot of change and can be overwhelming.

Yet, even in the midst of those changes, those who embraced what God was doing, found joy. God, through the Holy Spirit, soften the hearts of man and helped them embrace that the law of grace was now the law of the land. This was the finale of there past and their new future. This isn't to say they said "Screw it" to all their practices, but they embraced a new way of living. 

This is something we often must go through in order to grow. God will change things up because ultimately He has insight that will bring joy. It will bring peace. It will bring about something new.

Swan Song

Finales are always going to be a part of our lives. We will be saying good-bye to something. Like in TV, we must embrace that their is an end to an Arc in a story. The difference between real life and TV, we get to start a new series of events as the same people. 

Saying good-byes are hard. Moving onto something new is never easy. Embracing change has never been a strong point in my life. Yet, after 27 years of change, I'm learning that it's good. We are given the chance to learn something new, to embrace new challenges, and grow into the person God has us to be. God has obviously opened the door for you, maybe it's time to just jump and know He will catch you.

I think it's okay to be a bit sad. I don't think we should say it's wrong. It's not like I'm telling God, you have burden me with this change. The sadness we feel is the ending of an era. I always feel it after major events in life like moving, graduating, etc. Finales are suppose to make us feel something. It is suppose to make us think about life. Finales are suppose to look back and remember the good God has done and realize the good he has for our futures. I believe that's why different people made call backs to people or events in scripture because they wanted people to remember God is good and will take care of them.

It's okay to look back on a finale in life and remember those events. We just can't get stuck in them and allow it to hold us back. We must embrace whatever is next in life. Why you may ask? It's because we are made to grow. We are meant to understand that God has purpose for us. His purpose is to show His glory and love to others. We are vessels who have the Spirit of God. Due to that, we don't just stay in one place. We move on. We embrace new things in life. 

I guess it's time to move again...

Legacy

6 Seasons and a Movie

I remember in 2012, my wife, Beka and I began watching the show "Arrow". The show drew us in so quickly, we watched the first season within a week. From that we found ourselves drawn into this world expanded into The Flash, Supergirl, Legends Of Tomorrow, and 4 more seasons of Arrow (not all good...Olicity was introduced). 

This year's theme for Arrow stood out to me. The makers said it would be about Oliver Queen's Legacy. After 4 years of being the Green Arrow, what legacy is Oliver Queen leaving on the world.

This is a question I've found myself pondering. I'm sure it has a lot to do with the ending of a chapter in my life and the beginning of a new one. It allows us to reminisce and ask the questions that have subconsciously been lingering. That question is "what legacy am I leaving"?

The Legacy of Man

I think we often think about the impressions we leave on people. Anyone who is a human being probably constantly thinks about what others think of them. This, like many other things, is a double edge sword. We can either make it all about us or choose to make it about something more. For me that's to hopefully show Christ.

I believe legacies are important because what we leave behind can reflect Christ. It makes me think of people in the Bible. For instance, in Hebrews 11, it talks about men and women of faith. The part that stands out to me is when talking about Abraham being told to sacrifice his son (which will get you arrested now... so don't do that) that Abraham embraced the promises of God thinking that God would raise the dead (Hebrews 11:17-19).

Just think about it. Through the Holy Spirit, who is God, the author commends Abraham on his faith. He is going to be remembered as the man who was willing to give his greatest possession to please God. 

Now obviously I don't necessarily want to be remembered for almost sacrificing my child. Yet I wold like to leave a legacy where God leaves a lasting impression on the lives around me. 

All that you leave behind

As a Christian, I believe we are to leave a lasting impression on people. They are to see love that we have been given. We need to really live life. I believe Jon Foreman states it like this " Life is short, I want to live it well".

To live our lives well, it starts with perspective. Donald Miller states in his book Thousand Miles in A Million Years, " When something happens to you, you have two choices in how you will deal with it. You can get bitter or better". 

The start of a good legacy, is not letting trials make us bitter. It's easier to live in defeat. It's easy to look at the task ahead and see the mountain you have to climb. We are constantly looking at the mountains and not looking at our guide. 

Legacies are built on our willingness to trust our guide. Look at our boy Abe. In the midst of losing the one thing he loved more than himself, he was willing to give it up because he understood God makes good on his promises. That's where I want to be. I want to be able to understand that God will provide in order to bring glory to his name. I want to be able to be a testimony to others to endure to see the promises of God fulfilled.

The finish line...

At the end of the Apostle Paul's life, he wrote this letter to Timothy, stating "

For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time for my departure is near. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day—and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing (2 Tim. 4:6-8)

Paul is essentially stating that his life is done. His work is done. He states that he will receive his prize for the work. Yet he doesn't focus on himself but the fact that all those who long for the Lord's appearance. Paul endured the trails of life, and now is remembered for his work.

As I leave Long Island, I hope that my life reflected Christ. I hope that at the end of the day, I will be remembered as someone who strived to show the love of Christ. I may have struggled, but I pray my endurance paid off.

I not only hope this for my short time on the Island but my life. I hope that all my interactions leave the legacy of hope, love, and mercy. Life is so short. I want to make sure that I leave this world with the legacy that I loved God. I hope I live my life well.

How A forgettable Zac Efron Movie Changed My Life

Zac Efron's Life Changing Movie

I watched this movie called “We Are Your Friends”. It was a movie that starred Zac Efron. To be honest, the movie was quite forgettable. I expected more from a movie involving a DJ trying to make it big.

There was one question asked by the main characters friend asked. He said, “Are we ever going to be better than this”?

Being a Christian, this seems like an irrational question. I’ll be the first to admit, I don’t like the idea of Christians not asking questions. I mean there is clearly a difference between asking God questions and questioning God. Also I believe, God is graceful, and allows us to go through a time of questioning to grow stronger.

Are We Better Than This?

Will Conforto be better or bust???

Are we ever going to be better than this? This was a question that I honestly asked myself for a month. As some know, I lost my job. I was embarrassed, disappointed, and lacking confidence. It doesn’t help when you tell people, and you see in their eyes pity. Then people feel the need to encourage. Not that it’s a bad thing but it’s hard to hear in the hurt. Eventually you do but it took time. As a person, I pride myself on my work. To be let go was like losing my identity. 

Losing your identity is not as cool as the Bourne movies make it seem. To be honest, it wasn’t awesome in those movies either. During this month, I felt inadequate. I was waiting on jobs and not much really showed up. I knew I was having a baby in the summer, and I felt like I let my child down. I was supposed to provide. I felt my world crumbling.

It’s funny how God uses these situations. I looked to so many things to rescue me from my despair. I tried to distract myself with people, TV shows, books, but nothing made it better. It was in the moment I asked my questions to God that things started moving.

Whispers

To be honest, it wasn’t instantaneous but it was quicker than I thought. The more I poured my heart out; God gave understanding. God spoke in a whisper that I choose to ignore. Let’s just say that whisper got a lot louder.

I’m not normally one for clichés but God does provide. It’s like Job. He gives us time to sit in our questions, and then He makes His thoughts known. It doesn’t matter how many people tell you that God will provide, God will speak for Himself. In my weakest moments, it was only His speaking into my life that pulled me out.

I remember, while I was walking and praying, that moment God spoke the truth I needed. It was simple. God said, “Ask for forgiveness. You need to let go of these feelings”. To explain this more, I was in a bad place. Not only was I tanking in my own self worth, but I was also angry with others. I hated the people who, in my mind, let me down. I wanted justice. I wanted to see others suffer.

It wasn’t until God said, “You need to forgive” that I finally saw restoration. You see God doesn’t identify you by your job. He identifies you by your heart. When you say you love Jesus but your heart is not in the right place, that’s where grace needs to open our eyes. I am a product of Christ. His death and resurrection are within me. They are what make me free. At the end of the day, I can be a CEO or cashier, as long as I strive to love and follow Christ, I am already better than I was before.

Epilogue 

Labels do not define us. We are not made the same. We are unique and beautiful. God is working in us and will use our gifts and us. In times of trouble, He just wants us to come to Him. He doesn’t want us to focus on how others view us but how He views us. We are made complete because of Him. We must cling to that idea. I am made alive in Christ. I am valued because of Christ. I am greatly loved!

It's All Crazy

Throwing it down

Lately society has been in a crazy binge of “let’s take action”. We got liberals, conservatives, vegans, Patriot fanatics, and Marvel fans feeling the need to speak their peace. Social media via Twitter and Facebook erupt with ideological debates between the many groups.

It’s not hard to find yourself drawn in by the debates. It’s not wrong to find yourself getting a little fired up. It’s not unusual to find yourself doubting your beliefs. I actually enjoy the fact it makes us think. It forces us as human beings to study things on multiple levels. It engages our ethics, our theology, our human nature. It allows us to question the world.

Balancing Act

I am, myself, going through this gauntlet. Many questions run through my mind. These questions range from, “What will happen to my kids future?" to "Do we abuse our rights?"

The latter of the two questions has really been on my mind lately. I keep hearing from people that they have the right to do what they want (whether in videos or conversation). This doesn’t mean doing illegal activities. It’s more like they have the right to marry who they want or the right to voice their opinion.

This is really a tricky subject because I feel like these statements have a hint of hypocrisy. My reason for stating this is because, in America, if we truly believe in freedoms of speech, then isn't everyone entitled to their opinion.  

For instance, years ago, Chick-Fil-A had a thing where people were upset with one mans belief in marriage. Yes, I know this is a touchy subject for many people, but the person was stating his belief; as were the protesters stating their opposite belief. Sure it’s not necessarily the most tolerant statement in the US culture, but the man has the right to speak his opinion.

Categories

Growing up in a culture that is built on so much freedom, I am thankful. Yet with everything, there are consequences that come with our freedoms. As a Christian, many people peg me with a lot of preconceived notions, whether true or not. I am labeled and put into a category.

The truth is, I am a believer in Jesus Christ, and I believe what the Bible says. It is a part of me. I cannot change that part of me and will not. This doesn’t mean that I don’t differ from others who have the name “Christian”, but at the end of the day, I still love those with whom I don’t agree.

There is not a day that goes by where I do not strive to love my neighbor, even if I don't agree with a lifestyle or political ideas. I believe this to be the hardest thing to do. It’s hard to love and to respect someone who feels different about something.

I don't believe I have any rights to be honest. I gave those away once I chose to follow Christ. Following Jesus won't be easy for me. People will hate me, disagree, and sometimes think less of me. That’s part of the cross Christians must bear.

Ultimately, I think it’s great seeing people fight for the rights of others. I love to see a day where we have no more poverty and wars. Due to my beliefs, that time is coming and won’t be seen until then. This isn’t an excuse to not try but I know that perfection will only come when Christ returns.

HOPE

Christians, I pray we are able to be examples as well. Let’s not be in division but of one mind. We all know that God appoints leaders. We know that God will provide in our times of need. We also know a time is coming where we will no longer suffer. Let’s spread the hope!

In the end, let’s just be respectful. Let’s try to fight battles in a different way. Let’s stop calling names. Let’s use the rights we were blessed with to bring peace.

Alright... time to beat up on the Introvert

What I Think

I fit a stereotype of a middle child. I am very much a quiet, peacekeeping, introvert. I never thought I'd say these words, but nonetheless it's true. I tend to pacify conflict, listen more than speak, and enjoy the simple pleasures of reading a comic book on a Sunday afternoon.

Even though this is true of me, I do have a voice. It may be the quietest but it still exist. I believe it will become louder as I grow to trust myself, but that will take time.

Today in church (Real Life Church in Wading River, check it out) the pastor wanted to discuss just being a Christian in the current world. I found it to be something that I've myself pondered over. All in all, it was very interesting to see that not only as Christians should we be asking questions, but as human beings.

Lately, I'm tired...

You see, lately I've had a lot of thoughts on life, and the current direction it is going. Social media is literally the worst (or the Britta of the world), yet I still use it because it helps us feel close when we are far. To be honest, I'm really tired of all the political banter. I'm tired of hearing about Donald Trump and how he's a horrible human being. I'm tired of seeing Christians being called out for being hypocritical. 

I'm tired of feeling like my opinions don't matter because some of them aren't popular. I'm tired of Christians, conservatives, liberals, and hippies (hehe) being so self-righteous. I'm just kind of tired feeling like I'm less then another person. I'm tired of being a white, Christian, male because it makes people only see me as being privileged. I'm tired of emulating mere men or women in politics to be our savior. 

I'm tired of not being more sympathetic to the needs of the world. I'm tired of not being their for my brothers and sisters in need. I'm tired of complaining about how I could be doing things in order to make the world better. I'm tired of watching people argue. I'm tired of watching peace being disrupted by disagreements. I'm tired of watching our world become divided. 

Nothing Left To Lose...

Let's be honest, I'm just tired. I know in some way after writing this, someone will disagree with me. I know I'm making myself a target. It's fine. I understand. 

Maybe it's the middle child in me, but I believe the only way we will grow, is if we just listen and not argue. We need to unite in peace. The only way we can grow is being peaceful and loving.

We need to allow ourselves to talk about the issues and understand everyone's point of view. You don't have to agree with someone. Yet we can't discredit someone because they share a different idea or point of view. We must seek to understand. I also feel it's a good idea to talk in person or at least in a secure way. 

I know, I know, we live in a society where people will always be pissed off, or looking to piss off someone because of some issue. I realize nothing will be perfect. But can't we strive to be better? Can't we just agree to be people who seek to reconcile and live among others who don't agree. I am a Christian and I don't agree with everything in Christianity (I agree with all critical things of the faith, just to clarify). Yet, I can still love my brothers and sisters in spite of it.

I get it America, Trump can be dumb, but he's our President. If anything, let's fight policies in a peaceful way. Let's allow ourselves to do what we can and leave the rest up to God or whatever someone else believes. I myself would like to make sure refugees have a place in America. Yet, I also see a need to be tighter on our immigration policies. I can understand both sides of the issue, but I don't have to agree with both.

I guess what I want to see is a people come together in peace. To allow ourselves not to get so uptight about things that probably won't happen (aka a wall). We need to remember, that in the end, justice will prevail. I believe in a God who will bring about peace to the world. I believe that one day, we will see this peace. 

Even if you don't believe in God. Believe in the fact that change will happen. Justice will be served. Let's just love our brothers and stop trying to win arguments. Let's discuss and try to understand one another. Most of all, let's be loving and kind.

So bring it on everybody, beat up on the introvert... I'm going to be trying to improve on myself while watching Ron Swanson talk about government.