Ding Dong 2020 is almost gone...

Reflection of 2020

As I see 2020 coming to an end, I think the main thing I’m feeling is tired. Covid fatigue is a real thing. It’s really drained a lot of my motivation and drive as of late. With the virus seemingly getting harsher and the vaccine seems too good to be true, I find myself having less hope.

You see, it’s advent time, and we talk a lot about joy, peace, hope, and love. During this time of year, it seems we are to reflect on these ideas. I believe the point was to let us reflect on Christ, we find these qualities. When we know Jesus, we have hope. When we know Jesus, we find peace. When we know Jesus we experience peace. When we know Jesus, we experience and are able to return love.

It’s been hard this year to really understand those ideals. It’s been really hard for me to really experience Christ. It’s been hard to really feel much of anything but tired.

I hate saying it too. I hate feeling negative. I hate feeling disconnected from Jesus and others. Covid in a way has killed me. I know this to be true not of only myself but others.

So what do we do? Truth be told, I really don’t know what can be done. My first thought is the importance of just grinding through it. Yet I know, this isn’t necessarily the healthiest thing to do. My second answer is talk to someone. Then of course my next answer is to write it (which is why I’m doing this post now).

It’s easy to feel burnt out. I think Covid has taught us this idea more so because even in the midst of not doing too much, it still wears us out. I really miss seeing my brothers. This has been a huge struggle for me during this time. I hate the fact that I hadn’t seen my brothers since March. We still stay connected but it sucks.

So here I am. I’m tired. I’m tired of waiting for cure all for Covid. I’m tired of feeling distant from others. I’m tired of my job feeling a lot harder than normal. I’m tired of waking up and not feeling motivated.

Yet I am reminded that I need to sit in hope. Spiritually I do feel a bit dry. Yet, I’m holding onto the fact that Jesus is the hope for my life. Even in the midst of a trying time, I still am seeing good. I’ve seen my son Owen accomplish potty training. I have a little girl who is turned one and she is showing me that she’s going to be smart. I have connected better with my co-workers. God has also provided for many needs during this time and continues to help with financials.

You see, God is still in the midst of trouble. He doesn't leave. He doesn’t take a break. He is with us. Honestly I have to say I believe that to be true. If it wasn’t, I think I’d be lost. I have been keeping my cool, even in the midst of some frustrations. I believe even when I’m not being the most faithful, God is still faithful to me.

I always look to what I would consider the verse that is life changing for me. Lamentation 3:22-24 which states “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassion never fails. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness (3:22-24 NIV). This verse I’ve carried a lot because in all situations it applies whether good or bad. God is faithful and still compassionate. This continues day after day. I need that because right now, it feels like nothing good is coming.

In the midst of being tired, I find myself still holding onto the idea that there is hope. I need to because if I don’t, well, I’m literally not going to make it out. So that’s it with moving onto 2021. I am holding onto hope which I have in Jesus. He is still in control even when it feels like He’s not. Today, I do feel like God isn’t in control but will fight that idea and just believe. Sometimes faith is a matter of remembering who God is in moments like this year.

I Quit Being a Christian for a minute...

 Quitting 

I think for a while I stopped being a Christian. Now for those who want to break this down theologically, let me explain and then you can have your fun. I never stopped believing in Jesus. I never stopped going to church. I never stopped trying my best to be Christ like. I just gave up some of the baggage that comes with being a Christian. 

You see, I’ve spent the majority of my life, believing in Jesus. I remember when I was 14 giving my heart to Him in I guess was a legitimate conversion experience. I tried my best to do what I thought Jesus wanted me to do. I remember it wasn’t till college, that I really started grasping and understanding the Bible (if you can grasp or understand). I remember Bible college. I remember when I left how different the world is outside of the Christian circles. 

This leads me to the year 2020. I’ve been on a journey of kind of discovering what faith means to me. This actually has started before 2020 but has brought me to a new place. It’s been a good thing for me because most of my life has been plagued with anxiety of doing the right thing. I think part of it is there are so many views of being Christian. There is also a way of being, that I’ve always kind of felt like an outsider too.

For instance, theological beliefs were constantly challenged when I went to Bible college. Things like women being pastors and if someone could lose their salvation seemed set in stone to many people. I’ll be honest, I never saw an issue with a woman as a pastor and at the time I believed you could lose your salvation. I remember people would literally show me in the Bible every passage. It was as if I was treated like I was a false teacher if I didn't yield to the other person.

I learned to keep my mouth shut. The truth is my college years, I avoided a lot of people due to my beliefs and thoughts. I’d pull my punches because I felt afraid that I would be labeled dumb or a heretic. I own that it’s on me for pushing people away but I still felt like it was hard in the crowd I was around.

Also in some ways, Christianity became like a drug. In our culture, it’s always getting to that next step closer to Jesus. That means, deeper prayer, more in-depth study of the Word, etc. I would try these things, but I felt like I couldn’t get to that next level. I always kind of felt stagnant. In trying to get to this next level, I believe I missed God in the moments where he spoke so clearly to me.

So getting back to the original premise of my writing, why did I feel like I gave up being a Christian. Truthfully, I just kind of stop being regimented. I stopped trying to be spiritual. I started taking Jesus' words as true. I just kind of studied what I wanted and not just read the Bible because I had to. 

I started listening to different Christians and seeing their thoughts. I listen to music that was predominately not Christian (but members could be Christians). I took prayer as a thing that I do throughout the day and wouldn’t sit in it for however long I should (apparently an hour prayer is better than 5 mins). 

I also allowed myself to question things in the Bible. I didn’t like that I was supposed to accept things. For instance, why do I need to accept that Adam and Eve were the first and only people on the earth. Why couldn’t they be like Israel, the chosen first people of God. I just wanted to allow myself to really take time and think through beliefs. I didn’t just want to accept things because that’s what a bunch of old men told me too (it’s not to be harsh but it’s kind of true).

I’ll be honest, I really like the local church I’ve been going to. I mean people genuinely seem to be trying to not do church but live it. I think it'll help keep me on track a bit. I believe the church doesn’t need to always be full of programs but simply about connecting and loving our neighbors. This translates into making it a part of your daily life of loving and helping neighbors. I like that and I think this local church gets it. 

Letting go...

So why am I writing about this part of my faith journey. Frankly, I think I’m tired of not being honest with myself. This has more to do with myself finally embracing the fact that it’s okay to be different. It’s okay to connect with God differently. 

There are people out there, who struggle in church because it’s just so hard to fit in. This is due to us being afraid to be real in our faith. We are afraid that we aren’t connecting with God correctly. Yet God has made us different. We may worship differently, we may pray differently, and we may believe differently. The fact of the matter is we are all in Christ and for Christ. 

Jesus isn’t a political party. Jesus isn’t a self help guru. Jesus isn’t a get out of jail free card. Jesus is our Savior and King. He calls us to live according to his example. To love God and to love others. He challenges our beliefs and our understandings to hopefully bring us closer to Him. He knows we will fail. That’s why He died and rose again. He knew we needed someone to save us from our own hearts.

For the longest time, I felt alone because I didn’t feel like I did the whole Christian thing right. I don’t say the right things. I make a lot of mistakes. Yet I know that I am called by Christ. I know I need to do more. I know that I need to love better. I know I need to be continually washed clean.

Yet I know the truth is, Jesus wants a relationship with me. I know there are also others out in the world, who are just tired of playing the game of being a Christian. I know that it doesn’t need to look pretty and it sure doesn’t need to be orderly. It’s good to have order for sure but we don’t need to have all this guilt weighing on us. 

Like I said, I may have had a season where I just kind of stopped being a Christian. I think I came out a better Christian due to it. Hopefully a better person in my walk and understanding of Jesus. If not, well, Jesus will let me know. Until then, I’m embracing that I may just be okay.

Parties with Ewoks

ROTJ V. Empire

I remember always liking the movie “Return of the Jedi”. I would say it’s mostly based on nostalgia to me. I mean, we get the opening rescue of Han Solo, the final battle between Luke and Vader, and the end of the empire. Plus, who doesn’t love those amazing Ewoks. They literally took down an empire!

One of the reasons I love this movie is how it wraps up. This shouldn’t be a spoiler, seeing that this movie is almost 40 years old, but I will mention I’m spoiling the ending. The end of ROTJ (Return of the Jedi) is when the rebels defeat the Empire by blowing up the Death Star (for the second time). Also we see the redemption of Darth Vader, who being Luke’s father, becomes one with the force. Then there is a celebration with the Ewoks which ends with Obi-Wan, Yoda, and Vader (or Anakin) looking on our heroes. Redemption at it's finest.

I love this movie because it ends on a good note. It ends with our heroes winning and defeating the evil empire. It feels good when the hero you've followed wins. It’s probably why I like comic books as a whole. The heroes typically win.

I like stories that end with the happy ever after vibe. I think most people like that feeling too. We like when things go well. Yet, life has proven that sometimes things don’t work out the way it does in movies.

A Dark Knight

Sometimes we witness heroes losing in the end (see Dark Knight). Sometimes things in life are left unresolved. It’s not to say that good things don’t happen but rather we experience life where it doesn’t end with us celebrating with Ewoks (also they aren't real).

Currently, I feel that a lot of people are experiencing this feeling of anxiety. There are a lot of questions that need to still be answered. I mean we are dealing with COVID, race issues, riots, and elections that seem like they are lose-lose. Plus we have to deal with varying opinions of these topics and Lord knows media consumption hasn’t helped.

I’ll be the first person to admit that I feel there is no good ending. I mean the election in November scares the hell out of me because either outcome can lead to more issues. There are days I’d like to curl up into a ball and just sleep. I hate that feeling because I know that I’m not in this world to just give up and hide.

There is the part on a spiritual level, wondering what on earth God is doing. It’s not that I don’t believe he can’t do something at this time but rather, wanting to know the purpose of what’s going on. I want to understand.

I know God’s purposes are above my own but does it have to be so tiring. I want justice to be given to oppressed communities. I want COVID to be cured. I want our country to unite and not be one team against the other. I want things to work out in order for all parties to be heard and learn to work in harmony.

I realize that is a big order to fill. I realize that we are human. I realize that harmony may be impossible. This is what I grieve.

I grieve because I know Jesus can restore. I know Jesus can hear the cries of the afflicted. I know Jesus can heal it. I also know that it might not be the correct time for it. If I’m being truthful, that pisses me off.

Finding footing in the midst of COVID

I’ve experienced some frustration towards Jesus because I want peace. I want peace in my soul and for others as well. Yet, here we are six months later and things don’t seem to be going in a positive direction. It has made me feel Jesus isn’t enough. I feel dirty writing that statement, but it’s something that I’ve felt.

There are days in the last six months I wanted to give up on the christian thing. I wanted to lose some of the anxiety it caused me. Then I find myself looking back to a part of the Bible that reminds me that Jesus is with me. That he is with me through my darkest. Even though moments I don’t see the end.

If you get a chance, read the whole book of Lamentations and especially chapter 3. This is a portion of it but I wanted to share it. Without further to do: Lamentations 3:19-27


Remember my affliction and my wanderings,

the wormwood and the gall!

My soul continually remembers it

and is bowed down within me.

But this I call to mind,

and therefore I have hope:

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;[b]

his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,

“therefore I will hope in him.”

The Lord is good to those who wait for him,

to the soul who seeks him.

It is good that one should wait quietly

for the salvation of the Lord.

It is good for a man that he bear

the yoke in his youth.


I always go to this passage in hard times because it reminds me of a few things. The first is that it’s okay to feel beat up. You don’t have to hide the feelings of anxiety and frustration. It’s kind of silly for me to hide my feelings towards Jesus, he already knows. I also think it’s good to share these with other Christians. I believe there are many who feel the same. Maybe it’s a matter of starting the conversation.

The second part that I get out of this passage, is that God hasn’t abandoned us. Now during this passage, it’s during a time of exile for the biblical writer. To be clear, because of the sin of the people of Israel, it led them to exile. Yet in this beautifully poetic piece of writing, we are reminded that God is with us. We are reminded his mercies are new everyday. He hasn’t changed his love for us because we are bitter, rather he is trying to remind us that he’s with us. He is Emmanuel (God with us).

Lastly, I think this is important to remember. We sometimes need to wait because that is what is good for us. I always thought this was a weird idea. I mean people have died, people have been hurt, I don’t want to wait. Sometimes, we must wait and in those times God can still restore our souls. This doesn’t mean you're always going to enjoy it because most likely you won’t but it’s a time of growing. In that waiting, sometimes you find ways to help with the problems or learn ways that you can help.

Now I will admit, this ending is quite optimistic. Maybe this is a “Return of The Jedi” kind of writing but I think it’s probably more “Empire Strikes Back”. I mean I’m in a better head space but there is still much unresolved. Also I’m still pissed about issues in our world. I guess today I’m embracing Jesus' mercies and hoping tomorrow it continues. One day I will get to that ROTJ moment whether here or in the next life. Until then, I embrace the fact that I must wrestle with God throughout life. God is good. Also Empire Strikes back is the better movie but I just love me some Return of the Jedi.

Kibbles

 It's not unusual for me to wrestle daily with questions that are most likely unanswerable. I've always been that way. I can think of these deep things and get lost in my head. Lord knows that I get lost in some crazy ideas too. The other day I was thinking how there is a gang war between dogs and monkeys here but that is for another post.

Yesterday we lost our friendly companion Kibbles the kitten (no she did not become bits). This friendly kitten we had found at a bus stop. Of course, my lovely wife asked to keep it. How could I say no? At first we were going to take her home and fed and nurse her back to health but Beka had other plans. These plans looked like keeping Kibbles.

After two days, I had my final moments with Kibbles before going to bed. I said goodnight and she was resting on the floor as I went to bed. The next morning, I went downstairs to use the bathroom (my hiding place) and Kibbles was not moving. I went over to pet the cat but realized she wasn't breathing. After waiting a few minutes, I went to break the news to Beka.

As soon as I let Beka know, there were tears. It's incredible the impact an animal can have on a person, even one that was so briefly in our life. Beka said her goodbyes and I took the kitten out back. I said my goodbyes, thanking the kitten for bringing a bit of extra joy in our lives. Then I tossed her into the jungle (its our backyard). 

Of course the rest of the day was a bit solemn but it brought Beka and I together more so than before. We were able to connect within the moments of sadness and find comfort in one another. The rest of the day, we still felt sad but were able to enjoy new adventures.

So why is this important, a story of a kitten that ended up dying. It shows the complexity of the world we live in.  We feel like we are in control of our world. That if we do things right or well, things just work out. Yet there is a moment, even a small moment with a kitten, that show us how we aren't in control. Life is fragile. Not just in life and death; but the heart as well. We are beings who even though we put up walls and have knowledge of things: can still have our hearts broken in a split second. 

Even though we know that cats are different from humans, it still broke our hearts to see our furry friend pass. Death is something that we weren't created to be use to. As a christian, we understand that because of sin there is death, but it still going to hurt us. Let's be honest, we can believe in our theology, genetics, and our knowledge but regardless, we will experience some sort of sadness. Even a random creature that comes into your life for a couple of days can bring sadness. 

The only peace we can find in our fragile world, is that God understands our pain. God became man and experienced the realities we experience each day. He then in turn decided we were worth saving and died, becoming our way to God. We understand that when we hurt, that Jesus hurts because He understands. We are fragile creatures physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Things can shatter our world in a matter of seconds. Yet it's when we cling to Jesus, the one who understands us, our hearts and minds, that we are truly at peace. 

I don't know much but I do know that there has been a lot of ups and downs this past month. It's hard some days more so than not. Yet I come before Jesus with my heart and He will give it rest. With every loss, is a chance to meet Jesus and find love, peace, and joy. 

Hard to Admit

Time to be honest

Sometimes I think it’s easier to not believe in God than to believe in God. I say this because there is an expectation that comes to your life once you start believing in a deity. I am a Christian and some days I find it frustrating and troubling. I can only speak for Christianity but I think others may have similar thoughts in other religions.

I struggle deeply with my faith because in my mind there begins a battle of belief systems. There is the strongly conservative side, that seemingly makes things much more black and white. That they follow the Bible to the very last letter. Then there is the liberal side that takes it to a place, where it’s love all things and the definition of sin is very different. I think I stand somewhere in the middle of these two points.

This makes you feel a bit like an outcast at times. I grew up with the understanding of my need for Jesus. I learned that Jesus loved me. I learned that Jesus saved me. I learned from my parents it wasn’t about church or doing these huge things but doing what Christ would do for others. That’s how I lived 18 years of my life.

Then I decided I wanted to go to school to get into ministry. I learned about the Bible. I learned about theology. I learned that a lot of my thoughts about things were wrong according to my professors.

My belief on women in ministry, my understanding of who God is, and my understanding of free will, weren’t correct. I learned that works were a part of faith and without them, they would show that my faith wasn’t truly there. This is a very discouraging thing. I questioned if I was really saved most of my college years. If I messed up, I kind of got worried that I wasn’t one of the “chosen” by God.

That messes up someone's mind. It drove a wedge between God and I for sure. I think I was able to recover when I did my internship at a church. I remember talking about a theological issue and I remember the pastor kind of saying, does it really matter as long as you love people well.

I believe that’s why I still hold that church close to my heart. It gave me hope that God still loved me and the people there were a good reminder of it. Of course eventually I would graduate and move onto other things. Over the course of the last 8 years, I’ve battled a lot with faith and who God is.

Now I’ve always tried to be authentic in talking about different ideas. I hold to honesty as important because I want people to be able to talk and not be fearful. When I mentioned earlier that some days it is easier to not believe in God than to believe in Him, I meant it.

I say this because there are a lot of days I wrestle with anxiety of not being a good follower of Christ. I get worried that I will be told by Christ, that he doesn’t know me. If I’m being honest, that’s a really terrible feeling.

Part of this is due to not feeling like I fit into Christian culture. I feel awkward at most churches. Now to put a disclaimer, I’m not saying all churches, but most make me feel awkward. I think part of it is due to people always acting like they got it together. It’s also because whenever I talk to a leader in the church, it’s like they are assessing me to see what value I can bring to the church. That’s probably why people go to big churches, you have a better chance to hide and get your bearings.

Like I said, this is me speaking from my experience and I don’t believe all churches are like this but I do think that there is truth in what I’m saying. I also struggle with people, especially church/ministry leaders. I’ve heard a lot of horror stories. Growing up in church, and knowing many people in churches, it’s scary. Leaders have inappropriate relationships, power struggles, you name it. Yet, as a church we try to sweep it under the rug rather than talk about it.

My main frustration is that leadership needs accountability but also the ability to apologize and accept consequences. I knew a pastor that literally had a relationship with a married woman and he eventually got another job within a Christian field. It’s frustrating.

I also get quite scared when people in a church or christian organization praise their leaders. I remember sitting through a chapel once, where this lady went on and on about their pastor. How amazing and strong in the word. It’s concerning because the pastor really shouldn’t be the focus but rather what Jesus is doing through that person. This person was more fixated on the leader than the person who gave the gifting.

There are many other frustrations I could express about the Christian faith. I mean to list a few, there are taking verses out of context to fit someone's narrative, modern worship songs, and the correlation of Republican and Christian. There are a lot of things I wrestle with in my head and heart.

You see, I get distracted by all the noise. I’ll be the first to admit this to be true. I watch things around me through interactions via social media or in daily life, and I question my own self. The reason I question myself is because I am a part of this problem as well.

For instance, the whole issue with some people saying black lives matter seemed funny to me. A lot of Christians were pushing back on this and fighting the reasoning because all lives matter. The fact is that most people know all lives matter but why black lives matter was being said was due to the issues of oppression they were fielding at this time.

It didn’t mean all people didn’t matter but rather that we are standing with oppressed individuals because as someone who follows Jesus, we should. We should stand with and listen to oppression. Then we should do something because we are light in this world. Maybe that seems simple but to me, it seems right. I don’t understand this situation but I can learn and walk alongside my brothers and sisters.

I may be off base in some of what I’m saying but I’m putting it out there. I’m tired of feeling trouble with these words in my soul. They weigh me down. I love Jesus and I want to continue my love towards Jesus. I want to fix my eyes on what is good and right. I want to let go of bitterness. This is a part of that journey. I want to be honest in where I am.

As a christian, I need to come before Jesus and just lay at his feet. I don’t need to come when I am in a good place, I need to come as I am. We as the church need to be better. We need to step up. We need to not put pressure on people to get it right. We need to walk alongside one another and try to understand. We need to build authentic relationships. Where we don’t have to feel scared as hell because we have some skeletons in our closet.

I’m not calling for zero accountability but rather an understanding that we need to be patient and understanding. We need to stop rushing to get our opinions out and just try to love even when we aren’t fully sure of how to. I am someone who can say that I got a lot of stuff that I can’t carry. I need to lay it before Jesus. I need help and others as well in this process.

I need to be better. I want to be better. I want to reflect Christ and hopefully love people well. I say this all because I just needed to let it out. If I’m wrong, well I guess I’m wrong but I feel a whole lot better.

I need to do better...

 I had a memory come back to me. I work at Water Street Mission in Lancaster City, and I hold groups every week (BC: aka Before Coronavirus). During these groups, I would try to come up with a topic to share with the guys. I think this week we were talking about family. I remember sharing a story with some guys about my family and I can’t remember the phrase but the idea had to do with punishment as a kid.

Now in my head, I understood this as not a severe punishment, but still enough to be annoying. There were two gentlemen in my group that took it the other way. They asked me about it and I explained what I meant. When they heard it, they laughed because how they understood it was “getting their ass beat by dad”.

Now why do I start with such a random story? It shows a flaw in our thinking. We don’t understand everyone's situation and our experience is different.

This is a hard truth to hear because I used to be apathetic in my thinking towards the Black Lives Matter Movement. I probably had the thinking that some have, about all lives matter. Part of that comes from this Christian worldview and part of it comes from my lack of keeping up with the news. What I didn’t understand is that I wasn’t focusing on the plea of a community who is experiencing injustice.

I don’t understand everything the Black community has experienced or experiencing now and the truth is; I’m a white male and will never be able to comprehend it. After speaking to friends, who are Black, it opens my eyes to a world I don’t know. They do fear for their families. They fear for their husbands, wives, and children. They worry about being killed because of the color of their skin.

This breaks my heart because people don’t feel safe. This breaks my heart because families are losing loved ones. This breaks my heart because they are losing these loved ones to those who are called to serve and protect.

I am privileged because I’m white and a male. I more than likely will not have to experience these feelings of fear. This truth about me should remind me that I am privileged but it doesn’t mean I get to sit quietly.

Two things that have really hit me hard this week. First, due to what is currently happening, I need to listen to those who are Black. Listening is going to help us hear the cries of oppression. It will allow us to learn and allows us to be wrong in order to get a better understanding. Most likely we won’t understand but we can at least stand with our brothers and sisters in the black community and say enough is enough.

Secondly, we can step up and push back when we see something is wrong. One of the reasons I became a Christian, was because Jesus stood up for those who were treated poorly. He would let people know the importance of a person's life. I believe if Jesus was in person now, he’d be doing the same for the black community. He’d let people know the truth and work towards restoration. We can also start calling things for what they are as well. What this cop recently did to George Floyd was murder and the cops around him were accomplices. These cops deserve to be charged. This is the truth. 

Like I said, I don’t have answers and I could be wrong even in what I write. I’m willing to admit it because like I’ve mentioned numerous times, I don’t understand. I need to be better and listen. I do stand with my Black brothers and sisters at this time. I want justice for the Black community. 

In the end, I’m sorry because I’ve been apathetic and uneducated. I admit, I played my part in the problem. I want to use my voice to hopefully instill some hope that people can learn and change. I want to teach my kids the importance of knowing when to stand up for others when they see something wrong. Thank you to those who have helped educate and help me see the truth: Black Lives Matter.

If I've said anything wrong, feel free to present those things to me. I do want to be educated and become a person of better understanding. Thank you!

I Wanted To Make A List and This Is What I Got

The Journey Begins

I’ve mentioned this before that I’ve been on a journey to rediscover God, church, and faith all together. I’ve listened, read, and written a lot about faith. Throughout this journey, I was able to open my mind a bit more to things I don’t necessarily think I would have thought about before.

It also helped me deal with some of my grief from being burned by Christians. Does it mean I’m fully healed? No, but I’m definitely in a better place. As I reflect on where I’m at right now, I have a few things that come to mind that I believe are important for myself and others who are Christians.

1. If you doubt, it doesn’t mean your faith is weak, it just means you are being refined.

Doubt is a topic that is becoming more and more acceptable in Christianity. I think people are starting to see that doubt is not a bad thing but rather a transforming part of life. Doubt makes people dig deeper and really see what they actually believe.

Through doubt people can be refined in their faith or lose it. Either way, someone is directed in a direction toward what they truly believe. By no means do I celebrate people walking away from Christ, but I do appreciate someone wrestling with their faith and standing on what they truly believe. Doubt is a part of the process to get us digging deeper into our own hearts and being refined.

2. Just because you believe in Jesus, doesn’t mean you are always right and have all the answers.

Don’t you always hate that person that thinks they are always right. It’s worse when even you have all these facts but they still don’t get it. This can happen to Christians too. The worst part is that as Christians we feel we need to have an answer and it has to be right.

This honestly isn’t the case. Sometimes we have to accept that we don’t have the answer and we aren’t right. The main area of contention is definitely in politics. People will use scripture to base their idea of what’s right. Sometimes we can be right but if I’m being honest, most of the time I’m not.

We also need to realize we don’t need answers all the time for people. For instance, when someone loses someone, we don’t need to give them an answer as to why it happened. The best thing to do is sit with the person and just be there. It’s okay, sometimes showing Jesus can be that simple.

3.Yes, even Christians can use Christ to benefit themselves.

This one was probably one of the hardest things to come to terms with in my journey. I believe we all have our ideas of what a Christian should look like and we kind of thrust that expectation unto others and ourselves. This isn’t always the best thing, but I believe we are programmed that way.

So why was this idea hard for me. I mean this is a human nature thing, right? We are programmed to take advantage of things in order to make life better for ourselves. Well… that’s not necessarily the Christian life.

I, first hand, have seen people use Jesus to benefit themselves. I mean they put on this face of a good-hearted Christian and are doing things to benefit those who are in trouble. I’ve also seen some of these people go on paid sabbaticals and drive expensive trucks. I’ve seen them fire people who are praying and working long hours to benefit other people. Christians aren’t the exception to the rule, and they aren’t always doing things pure hearted. Some day you have to accept that people will take advantage of people. You have to make a decision on how you yourself will handle this.

4. Being authentic is important, yes that includes church leaders!

One of those ideas that always was important to me: The ability to be authentic with others. This means being open about life with people. That might mean sharing a bit of a struggle or the joy of things that are good. 

To be clear, on this point, it’s important to note that you shouldn’t be foolishly authentic to everyone. People are not all trustworthy. Yet it’s important to be able to be open with someone to keep you accountable.

Specifically with church leaders, or any leader at that, it’s important to be able to be open about decisions. It’s good to express struggles and mistakes if any are made. I think people are more likely to follow those who can at least admit short-comings. It also allows others to feel like they can say what they are going through. This is an important part of being a Christian, and we need to be authentic in order to allow others to see Jesus.

5. Community is needed and it doesn’t always need to be a church.

Now before someone throws stones my way, let me explain what I mean by this statement. Church to me is an important part of the Christian journey. The thing is, it’s how you view the church. I see the church as people rather than the building and worship service I attend on Sunday’s.

Like I said, the church is important to me and I’d be lying if I said the building and service wasn’t important to me. Yet, I like to point out the fact that we can experience church with other Christians. It could be as simple as playing music together, having a spiritual conversation, or many other ideas. In my experience, I found a lot of growth in my community in an online group. I was able to ask questions and discuss my faith with really great support.

Some people will want you to go to a building and that’s great but we also need to know that worship can also be done in a house or other places of gathering. If the concern is more about numbers at a Sunday service, we may need to check ourselves. Community can happen anywhere and we need to embrace it. This isn’t anything against the normal Sunday service, it’s just accepting that you can find community with the church in other ways.

6. You also do need the one-on-one relationship with God.

I believe in the importance of the one-on-one time with God. I think we need to have our time where we are without distraction (other than our own minds). Sometimes we need to go back to the source of all things. It’s important to sit with God. Maybe you won’t feel anything but, through the practice, it allows you to experience God.

I think the personal relationship needs to be a part of any belief in God. Being able to sit and ponder on God or even to hear God speak is important for our growth. In my case, being able to sit and ponder and hear from Jesus gives me the ability to grow in my trust of Him.

I know we need community but it’s important to sit and have a relationship with God. It’s the same that can be said about kids, friends, and spouses. We need personal time alone in order to get to know this being better.

This is the end

In conclusion, none of this may be groundbreaking but still thoughts that I’ve had through my process of getting my thoughts straight. I’m on a journey to hopefully discover and understand God more each day. I don’t claim to be right or even really know all the answers but this journey is definitely teaching me to let go of things and embrace the journey. I suggest if you are in the process of deconstruction to take time and work through it because you will come out better for it.

Valley of the COVID-19

“Fear is only as deep as the mind allows.”

— Japanese Proverb

Truth is...

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have some fears of the Covid-19. In this current time, our world seems out of control. This is ironic because the government is trying to control the situation by telling people to stay home, closing down businesses, etc. Within this time, fear breeds below the surface of people.

Think about it, the government fears what it will cost to keep people safe. On a smaller scale, people are hoarding toilet paper and not leaving their homes due to the virus. These are times where it makes you think, where is God?

On a personal level, there is fear in myself for my family and others. For those who don’t know, I work at a local Rescue Mission, and we work with a lot of people. The reality is as an organization, we are doing everything possible to help with the spread of the virus. Yet, we have to accept that there are factors we can’t control. I worry about how I could pass it on to others I come in contact with daily. Which includes my kids and wife.

In a weird way, I feel a weight on my shoulders, and it leads me to be a bit fearful. I’ve read about this virus and about the dangers of it. I realize that it’s not a joke. I’ve literally washed my hands/sanitized so much my hands are red.

This leads me back to the question I posed earlier: where is God in the midst of this virus? It’s a question that I’m wrestling with as we continue in this journey of Covid-19. Some people argue that this is God’s judgement on the world for turning their backs on Jesus. Some people on the other end would ask the question: why would God allow this to happen? I’m sure there are other thoughts people are having but I would say these are the extremes.

The Valley...

 I think about the doctors and the sacrifices they make. I think of the people who lost loved ones. I think of my kids and how much I love them and wouldn’t want anything to happen to them. I think about how can I show Jesus in the midst of a trying time. 

I looked into this idea of fear and Psalm 23 came up as I was looking for some answers. It’s a Psalm that David wrote describing the Lord's relationship with us as a shepherd caring for his sheep. Here is the whole Psalm:

1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.

3 He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me; in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me;all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.


Now this is very different from most of David’s psalms. For one, he’s not making a plea to the Lord. When you read most of his Psalms, he usually talks about people surrounding him, or being attacked from all sides, you know what most emo bands write about in their songs (sorry I had to). This one he is focused on who God is to us.

David describes God as a shepherd. David was once a shepherd himself, so this picture is easy for him to express his understanding of who God is to the readers. David is writing God as the shepherd and him and God's people as the sheep.

Now, if I’m being honest, being called a sheep is kind of messed up. Sheep aren’t the brightest bunch of animals. They often wander off and get themselves hurt and even killed. Sheep are nothing like Shaun the Sheep portrays them to be. The funny thing is when I think about being a sheep, I can relate to the idea of walking away and getting lost. I may not get killed but I do get myself hurt. It’s when God pulls me back and has my eyes open, that I can see where I need to be going.

So how does this relate to COVID-19. In a time like this, why does David’s words give me comfort? I think this stems mostly in the idea of verse 4 where David writes; “ Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me”. In the midst of even the shadow of death, David says that Lord’s staff and rod are there to comfort him.

Now this is interesting because I wanted to understand the importance of the rod and staff. I gained some insight from the website Neverthirsty.org. The author gave the original language for both of these words which is Sebet (rod) and mishnea (staff). Sebet is typically talking about a stick that is used to count as well as protect sheep from various animal attacks (neverthirsty.org). Mishnea is the idea of support or to trust (neverthirsty.org).

This gives us a picture of a God who is not only supporting us but protecting us as well. This knowledge can also be gained from earlier verses by seeing that he leads us to green pastures and still water (Ps. 23:2). He’s giving us a place to rest that is peaceful while he is watching over us. This is the same God that told the disciples when he gave them the great commission that he’d be with them always (Matthew 28:20)

Where we going to go from here?

Like I said, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit worried. I’d be lying to say that I don’t fear for my family and community. Yet, I lean into the fact that Jesus is with us at this time. He hasn’t left us alone. God is still hearing our prayers, he’s still sitting in the grief people feel, and He is still working in the midst of our grief.

I don’t expect this to make anyone feel better. It’s hard for us to understand God when we see the death toll and economic toll. I just know for myself, it helps me hold onto hope in a time that I feel out of control. It reminds me that I am only a man. Due to this, I hold onto the hope that Jesus is who he says he is, and cling to it.

There is more peace in my heart knowing that he is watching over us. That he didn’t abandon us to this virus. Some might argue that he should intervene. I’d say He has probably in ways we can understand.

In beautiful ways, I’ve seen humanity show some beauty in the midst of these times. I’ve seen people helping others out get groceries and such. I’ve seen people give gifts to help with kids being home. Maybe there is some beauty in the simplicity that we miss a lot of the grief and fear.

Life doesn’t always make sense but I find comfort in this season that God is with us. Maybe that’s the hope we need in this time, to remember we were never alone.

Leaning on the Everlasting Lord (what it really looks like)

If I'm being honest...

When I was a kid, I used to get very anxious. For instance, before I gave a speech in class, I’d literally spend all my days dreading it. I’d literally do all this stuff beforehand to distract myself from thinking about the speech, but in the end I knew I’d have to do it. This would lead to me not being able to see past that day. It was as if the world would end that day because I couldn't see beyond that day.

I used to have a lot of fear towards the unknowns. I was afraid to make mistakes. I was afraid to take risks. Then my anxiety would manifest itself physically. I literally would have stomach issues ranging from pain to using the bathroom a lot. I’ll be honest, still to this day it shows up. I can get myself worked up about a situation that hasn’t even happened.

Honestly, that’s no way to live life. I can say, it’s gotten better, but I’m still not where I want to be. It’s hard having days where I feel completely overwhelmed. I notice it normally happens when I’m pulled out of my comfort zone. I get that feeling in my stomach and all I can do is pray and hope that peace fills my heart.

Sometimes I Feel...

I’ll be honest, I don’t like living in that head-space. It can lead me to look for ways to avoid dealing with my anxiety. I usually get into self-pity talk while I avoid what's truly bothering me. My attitude will be one that seems solemn rather than finding joy in other parts of life. Having a family, that can be hard on them and it's not necessarily fair to them.

I’ve never been diagnosed with anything. I may have something or I may not. Like I said, it was worse when I was a kid. As I’ve gotten older, I think there is a confidence in understanding myself and a belief that God is with me that helps most days. It doesn’t mean that I don’t experience these feelings and emotions anymore but I experience them less than when I was a kid.

Sometimes I feel like I’m overpowered by this feeling. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed like I can't handle life. Sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me.  Sometimes I feel alone. I look at others and I see them handling situations with great courage and poise and I think am I the only one who feels and thinks like this?

I believe a lot of feelings come from my self-esteem and my ability to want to do things right (or perfect). Even in my faith, I get anxious because I’m not like Paul, David, or even some people at my church. I think there is something messed up with me because I don’t connect with worship songs or I don’t believe something my friends believe and they seem to be right. There are still days, I think I’m going to Hell, because I don’t pray enough or evangelize. As if salvation was earned by something I do.

Knowing Jesus helps but it doesn’t take away those feelings. That can make me feel guilty. Like I don't have enough faith in Jesus. Yet I hold on dearly to my faith in Jesus. I do believe he’s with me. I pray and sit in the midst of my anxieties with Jesus. Jesus does give peace. Not instantly but he does give me peace over time. Trusting in Jesus to bring peace is a choice I must make daily. I have to believe He is all I need and sit in that truth.

Jesus in the midst

I know some people who believe in Jesus think you shouldn’t feel this way. That if you truly believe in Jesus, you don't doubt or feel as anxious. I disagree. I think Jesus has allowed me to experience this to lean more into Him. It’s a struggle I must deal with while I’m on this earth. I hope one day I won’t experience it but it may not happen. I just trust the fact that Jesus is with me in the midst of my anxieties. That's the part of faith I understand, it’s a trust even in the midst of not seeing clearly.

I’m not perfect. I still get myself worked up. I still don’t always see things the way I should. I still choose things to settle my anxieties that aren't healthy. Yet I know this truth. I know that Jesus is with me and I must lean on my everlasting Lord. For when I am tired, He is my strength! It's not easy and not a quick fix but it's progress for me.

Insert Gritty Title Here

Beauty in the struggle 

In 2011, a movie called Warrior, came out starring Tom Hardy (who played Bane in TDKR) and Tom Egerton (The Great Gatsby). The story is about two brothers and their father. The family is estranged with the brothers both having their own personal issues. The story leads them both to get back into MMA fighting.

Now this is a spoiler, if you want to watch the movie, don’t read the rest of what I will write. You've been warned! Although you've had 9 years to watch it...


Now the brothers face one another at the end, to fight for the prize and title. The fight is intense because it’s not all about winning at this point in the film. There is more going on between these brothers. They trade punches, but it’s the years of struggle building up to this moment.

While the brothers are fighting, the oldest named Brendan (Egerton) dislocates his brother Tommy’s arm (Hardy). You’d think he’d submit, but that’s not the case. Tommy continues to fight. Brendan tries to tell him to stop but Tommy’s anger, disappointment, and rage keeps him going. Eventually Brendan starts wailing on him and it leads to this beautiful scene (Posted above).


The final round starts with beautiful music played by none other than The National. Brendan looks out in the crowd and sees his father, he nods, and Brendan knows what he needs to do. Tommy who is currently in an emotional and physical crisis, keeps on a strong face. Brendan then literally kicks him in the head and puts Tommy on the ground. Now this is where the real beauty happens. While putting Tommy in a choke-hold, Brendan apologizes to his brother. He apologizes and eventually tells Tommy, he loves him. He also tells him to tap.


Tommy taps and then the stadium erupts with cheers but Brendan's focus is on Tommy. He shoos away cameras and people and holds his brother. He then walks out of the stadium with his arm on his brother. Then the movie ends.


Now I didn’t do justice for the movie or this scene. That's why I posted it above. Most people probably think it’s weird that I found beauty in a MMA fight scene but that’s what good movies do. They can make you feel something even in weird moments.

GRIT

Now why do I describe this scene at all? I was thinking about a sermon series that we started in our church. The sermon series is called “Grit”. The series is about having perseverance and passion to move forward even when you feel defeated. The question I asked myself while listening to the first part of that series, is where does grit begin?


As I was thinking about it, my mind thought about this movie “Warrior” because it reveals something that I believe to be the beginning of grit. Grit, in my mind begins, when there is submission. That might seem like a weird statement. I agree, submission isn’t typically paired with Grit. Actually it’s almost the opposite if we are talking about perseverance.

Remember the description (or watching) that was given above about this scene from a movie. During the fight, Brendan has Tommy in a headlock and he’s apologizing and expressing his love towards his brother. It’s in this struggle, where when Tommy finally gives in that he is lifted up by his brother and able to find freedom.


Due to who I am, my mind then goes to the Bible, to a book called Genesis. There is an account about a man named Jacob. Now Jacob, to give context, was the son of Issac and he had a brother named Esau. Jacob and Esau don’t have the best relationship. Since the beginning, Jacob was always a fighter. During the birth he was grasping the heel of his brother Esau upon being born. Later on Esau gives up his birthright for some stew and then loses his father’s blessing because Jacob tricked Isaac. It's clear why these brothers' might not be on the best of terms.


As the narrative progresses, we see that Jacob eventually flees because he fears his brother and goes on to marry two wives, has twelve kids, and he is blessed by God even if he doesn't see it. During this time of building a family, he's dealing a family member named Laban. Jacob believes he's doing him dirty, so he tries to leave without Laban knowing. Of course, it doesn't work and they work through some things and make covenant, which then leads us to the main part of the narrative that I believe shows submission.

This is the part they fight...

This is an odd narrative because Jacob sends stuff to his brother Esau hoping to curve his anger. He also sends his family away and possessions. Now Jacob is alone. Jacob being alone is interesting, because if he fears his brother, you’d think he’d want protection.


The next thing we read is that while Jacob's alone and a “man” shows up and they wrestle till daybreak. During this fight, Jacob has the “man” pinned. The man then just touches his hip and dislocates that hip joint. All this is interesting. I mean I don’t know about you but I have so many questions. Why were they wrestling? Is this more figurative than real? Why was Jacob still able to pin this guy after having his hip messed with?

All this culminated to the peak of this narrative when the “man” sees that he cannot escape the grasp of Jacob. Jacob, while probably in pain, is fighting this battle because he realizes something special about this person. Jacob then says that he won’t let him go until this “man” blesses him. This man then asks his name; to which Jacob gives his name. This mysterious guest then renames him Israel because he struggled with God and man and had overcome.

Then Jacob asked this person what his name was to which the person said “why” and blessed him. Then Jacob names the place where he wrestled, Peniel, which means seeing God face to face (https://www.biblestudytools.com/dictionary/peniel/). Jacob says that he saw God face to face and his life was spared.


This is a very fascinating account in the Bible. There is lots to unpack, but my main point is submission. In this story, submission is interesting. It’s not what most people think when they hear the word. I mean, wasn’t it Jacob, that had this “man” or God pinned. Yes that is true but it was Jacob that noticed that this match was more for his soul.

When Jacob asked for the blessing, he realized this was no ordinary stranger. Jacob knew that he needed what this person had for him. He knew that this man could give him what he needs. I think due to what he says later in the narrative, he realized he was literally fighting with God. In my mind, Jacob was probably tired of fighting.

Think of it this way. Jacob was working in his own strength. Jacob had used his own strength to get the birthright and blessing from his brother. Jacob then had to work 14 years for the woman he loved. He had all the riches and was blessed abundantly with children. 

These things, although from God, Jacob never understood fully.
It wasn’t until he had been in this wrestling match, that he realized that his own strength wasn’t enough. I mean the “man” he wrestled touched his leg and it was messed up. 

Jacob could keep fighting in his own strength or give into something better. Jacob ends the battle by asking for the blessing. He knows he needs it. I think it’s amazing because his name change says it all about Jacob. He’s always fought whether with God or man. He then prevailed.

That last part always stands out to me. He prevailed. That was the moment when Jacob understood, He needed God. He needed to give in. He needed to not depend on his own strength but that which God gives. Although, it would still be cool if he did pin God or an angel of God (whichever you believe).

In the end, Jacob (now Israel) meets with Esau, and Esau was excited to see him. It ends in a way where the brothers both honor one another. God gave Jacob the push to trust that all would be well.

So what's the point?

So what does this have to do with Grit? Well, everything. We as Christians do need to struggle with God. We have to wrestle with questions, scripture, and prayer (convos w/God). In this struggle, we are able to build the spirit to keep pushing. Letting go and trusting that Jesus is all we need, in order to take the punches of the world.

We can kick, scream, and fight to the bitter end. We will find ourselves on a sinking ship. It’s in the moment, we give up and allow Jesus to take charge, and we can embrace the unknown in peace. He can change us. It doesn’t need to be our name but it can be how we carry ourselves. It can be in the way we serve others. It could be being honest about our struggles and addictions.

Letting go, is the beginning of grit. When Jesus comes into our lives, we are able to walk knowing that we have someone who is with us (Matthew 28:20). This doesn’t mean we will always be peachy and not doubt, but it gives us a context to refocus our hearts.

Submission isn’t a bad thing. It can be scary. Yet, in a place of humble submission, we can finally open our eyes to the One who doesn’t focus on our faults, but has prepared a place at the table for us. He is the restorer of our souls. How can we become strong, unless we become weak? Jesus gives us strength but we must let go first. We sometimes need to tap and allow God to build us up in his image.